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Taking a Chance

Staring out of the window at work I think to myself…

Do you really want to do this? Are you going to invite anyone who wants to read this into what may be one of the most personal journeys of your life? Will you be transparent enough for them? Will anyone read it? If they do read it will they care? If they care will they understand? What will you even write…

The longer I looked out the window the more I felt an urge to just close my computer and buy a journal. “I mean you love to write anyway so just write it out,” I thought to myself.  What’s the point in making your thoughts feelings and life available to the world? No one wants to read about your problems.

I mean these thoughts of mine are making a ton of sense! What will I gain from sharing snippets of my story?  A voice, a platform to help others, some sanity from all these thoughts roaming so freely? There are enough people ranting and raving about their problems on the internet, mine definitely don’t need to be there.

But who said anything about complaining? This isn’t a place to voice my problems! It’s a place to celebrate my wins! To openly express to everyone willing to read that I’m nowhere near perfect AND THAT’S OKAY. I will definitely struggle and have moments where I want to give up! The best part is you all have a front row seat to watching me push through!

I invite you to kick back with me weekly as I step out of my comfort zone into my discovery zone. Welcome to Beautiful Passionate Love (The Journey to Discovering Me).

See you soon!

(All new post will be uploaded Saturdays by 12:30 EST)

 

I am BEAUTIFUL. I am PASSIONATE. I will LOVE.

A Piece of Pieces

Today, I accept reality. A reality, at least 27 years in the making. A reality, easy to mask around others. A reality, meant to force the stigmas of the world on me, in hopes to keep me shackled in defeat. But, today I accept reality, breaking the chains of the generational curses attempting to drag my soul into the darkest pits of hell. So let’s talk about it…

I’ve used everything in my reach to hold my heart together, for all these years. I started with glue, tracing the cracks of abandonment, formed by the selfish acts of an unavailable father. Next, I used tape to realign the shattered pieces of neglect, caused by a mother simply stretched too thin. Afterwards, I found rubber bands to hold the falling pieces of rejection caused by, well way too many events to name. Truth? My heart is broken…

So how do you love with a broken heart?

You don’t…

You can’t…

It’s impossible!

Honestly, as I look at 2021, my only goal is to mend my brokenness. To, not only, forgive myself of my transgressions and my transgressors, but to genuinely let go of the pain. I have so many emotions bottled up from my past, I thought I had let go of, yet they constantly show up in my thoughts and actions.

I no longer want to be responsible for my own self-destruction. And, I no longer want to wait for anyone to correct their actions with me. A lot of the individuals that have hurt me no longer have access to me and that’s perfectly acceptable. However, I still have to do the work to fix the crack the interaction caused in my life.

The most nerve wracking part for me is creating my own closure. It makes me realize I haven’t had closure from several obstacles in my past. Instead, I built walls that allowed me to become numb to everything. Shutting out not only people who have hurt me, but the ones who haven’t also. Now, I’m ready to live… vividly. Breaking down these walls will be so difficult, but I’m ready. After spending the majority of my life only operating on surface level emotions, I’m over it. I want to feel! I want to enjoy and experience life in wholeness.

Mending my heart is the only obligation I have, this year.

So, y’all ready to explore this crazy journey with me!

Stay tuned & look out for more pieces!

(All new journeys will be uploaded the 1st and 3rd Saturday of each month by 12:30 EST)

I am BEAUTIFUL. I am PASSIONATE. I will LOVE.

Lessons

Attraction…

Connections…

Vibes…

The feeling that goes through my whole body when you look into my eyes…

Temptation passes through my mind while you’re caressing my thighs…

I’ll give anything in the world to hear your lies…

Our love, tainted…

The smiles on our faces, painted….

When you told me you truly loved me, I nearly fainted…

A look of sorrow in your eyes as if your poisonous heart was now sainted…

But I looked up and knew I was too good…

You walked away in disgust as I knew you would…

Not soon after I got a text saying “Please call me ’cause my love, you misunderstood…”

Now I’m wondering if I should…

I denied the urge to call…

Afraid that again I might fall…

Somehow you read my actions as me asking you to beg and crawl…

Now your promising me you’ll give it your all…

I tried to explain that the game was done…

You looked at me and said “Well I guess you won…”

All I could do was smile and say “Take good care of your son…”

I wanted to cry but couldn’t because of the brightness of the sun…

As I walked away my inner beauty came to me…

And right then at that moment I grew closer to who I wanted to be…

Alyshia- Mae even the name shows my true beauty….

I bet you wish you saw then what I couldn’t even see…

Strong…

Unique…

Beautiful..

Simply me…

(All new journeys will be uploaded the 1st and 3rd Saturday of each month by 12:30 EST)

I am BEAUTIFUL. I am PASSIONATE. I will LOVE.

Self-Love

This week was a low one for me, confidence-wise. I wanted to do something to alter my emotions and show appreciation for myself. I mean, there isn’t a whole lot to go out and do, with COVID still in full effect. So, I decided to raid my closet and have a mini photoshoot. Here’s a peek…

So, as you can see, this photoshoot absolutely brought back my confidence! It was just me, a tripod, and a glass of wine, but man was it fun! I got to be the model, stylist, and photographer. What surprised me the most was how an activity so small, trivial to most, could make me feel so good about myself. It cost me absolutely nothing, and made me feel AMAZING.

Honestly, all I want to share this week is to make sure to take time to focus on you! Self-love is so important and it doesn’t have to cost you anything. Find a little time to do what makes you happy weekly, if not daily. And always remember, it’s okay to feel down, just don’t allow yourself to stay down!

I love y’all!

(All new journeys will be uploaded the 1st and 3rd Saturday of each month by 12:30 EST)

I am BEAUTIFUL. I am PASSIONATE. I will LOVE.

Twenty Twenty-One

So here we are! The beginning of a new year. How are you guys feeling? I’m sure you’re ready to see what 2021 has in store. Honestly, while optimistic, I don’t really have any requirements or expectations for this year. I mean, last year exposed so many insecurities for me, I honestly just want to focus on digging deeper within myself.

This year, I want to actually set goals, and see them through. Things like: spending more time with family, staying positive when things don’t look good, and setting an obtainable sleep schedule. Of course, fitness and eating healthier are also on the list, however, I’ve learned fitness is more than just working out and eating right. It has to do with your mental state as well.

With that being said, before I dive into a workout/eating schedule I won’t stay committed to, I want to tap into why I think the way I do. Why I shut down randomly and isolate myself from my family and friends. What about certain seasons cause me to be much more sensitive than others. And, what I can do to genuinely change my perspective.

One goal I have for this year is to be more creative. Between writing, makeup, nails, and hair, I should have more than enough to keep my creative juices flowing. These avenues are not only creative, but with so many different looks and styles available, I can challenge myself, endlessly. Plus, my family is more than willing to let me practice on them!

Another goal I have for this year, is to hold myself accountable for letting others know how they’ve impacted me. I’ve noticed, I tend to be “on the fence” when it comes to telling others how their actions have affected me. I become quiet or pretend nothings wrong while over analyzing my actions and value to the relationship, whatever it may be. Honestly, my overall goal is to continue to be the best me I can be!

Alright you cool kids, I don’t want to elongate this journey, unnecessarily. With 2020 wrapping up, and the new year just starting, I genuinely just want to say HAPPY NEW YEAR! I pray this year brings you endless blessings. May you remain healthy and continue to work on you!

I love y’all!

(Photo Courtesy of Google)

(All new journeys will be uploaded the 1st and 3rd Saturday of each month by 12:30 EST)

I am BEAUTIFUL. I am PASSIONATE. I will LOVE.

Over and Out

Dear 2020,

I mean, where do I start? You genuinely rocked the entire world, pulling us out of our comfort zones, and forcing us into a new way of life. You normalized working from home, and you prioritize hand washing (which is still mind boggling to me).

You forced life to take place behind the screen…Stripping away many of the activities we view as “a right of passage,” such as proms, moving up ceremonies, and graduations. Church, and even school, became isolating chores, dreadful to most.

Community and fellowship now take place over conference calls. Traveling comes with even more risk. And, simply leaving the house requires a face mask. Yet, with all the drama and trauma you’ve caused, I simply want to say thank you.

Thank you, for reminding me to appreciate the little things in life. Yeah, I miss being able to get together with family and friends, hug and fellowship in close proximity, without taking each other’s temperature or wearing a mask. However, this forced time alone has made me realize the importance of using solitude as a self care practice.

In the past, I’ve required myself to stay busy by submerging myself in Church, work, or a multitude of issues around me (one time I even wished for jury duty just to avoid dealing with my own feelings). When life suddenly changed, in March of this year, I was wrecked! I had so many mentally overwhelming days because I was stuck with my own thoughts and feelings.

You forced me to admit that I wasn’t “okay,” and that I couldn’t heal on my own. And more importantly, you showed me, no amount of busyness can remove the pain I’m dealing with internally…

At the start of this year, I remember everyone saying this would be the year of clear vision, I didn’t believe them. All I wanted to do, this year, was make a friend or two and explore. I had zero expectation for you. But, now I understand what they meant by clear vision.

After this year, I trust myself more. I appreciate my flaws more. I acknowledge my mistakes, and challenge myself to fix them. I respect and stand by my ‘no.’ And, I hold on to my ‘yes’ tighter than ever before. I’ve finally realized, the only person I’m living to impress is myself and God.

So, 2020, as your time runs out, and everyone celebrates moving into the unknown of 2021, I want you to know I am so grateful for the lessons taught throughout this year. I will cherish them forever. Thank you.

Over and out,

Alyshia-Mae

(All new journeys will be uploaded the 1st and 3rd Saturday of each month by 12:30 EST)

I am BEAUTIFUL. I am PASSIONATE. I will LOVE.

Letting Go

…Closure is just an excuse to hold on to what’s no longer for you…

-Someone’s Twitter account

Man, those words hit so hard when I read them. I mean, I felt as though the author pried into my deepest thoughts, reviewed the intimate details of my most recent lov- no, lust connection, and saw how my heart was begging for answers it will never receive.

What happened? Why is he so upset? How do I fix it? What did I even do? How can he just ignore me like this? Is it really over? No, it can’t be… I’ll do anything to fix this… PLEASE JUST TALK TO ME!!!

Once done invading my mind, the writer of this tweet, must have felt overwhelmed, emotionally drained, and utterly confused. Instead of smacking the hell out of me and telling me to get a grip, she formed a tweet gracefully telling me to let it go! I’m so grateful I stumbled across those words.

Honestly, the details of what happened don’t matter. What’s important is I was so intrigued by the attention I was getting from this young man, I didn’t realize I had literally allowed my life to be consumed, in a very unhealthy way. I mean, we would literally talk all day, only giving each other maybe 3 hours of “me” time.

When we weren’t talking to each other, on the phone, we were enjoying one another’s company in person. We even fell asleep on FaceTime together. Honestly, I don’t blame either one of us. This whole COVID life makes it easy to become codependent on someone else’s presence, especially when the chemistry’s there.

One thing’s for sure, there were some red flags that were ignored on both parts. Now, I don’t like to view red flags as bad or negative. For me, they simply allude to incompatibilities between two individuals. In this situation, yes I genuinely cared about him, however, there were several characteristics, I knew weren’t compatible with my personality, but, I chose to overlook them just to have someone around.

Needless to say, we didn’t last long at all. Long story short, after several months of constant communication, he ghosted me. I was completely distraught! I cried off and on the entire weekend. And, when Monday came along, I called in to work just to stay in bed and cry some more.

By the time I woke up, halfway through the day, I was feeling better but still displaced. You see, he filled all of my free time. So with us not talking anymore I was lost. What was I supposed to do to fill that time? That’s when it hit me! While he was a good guy, our connection was toxic. We had no time to live our separate lives.

I wasn’t reading anymore, nor was I writing. I wasn’t even creating new makeup looks. I definitely wasn’t reading my Bible or praying as I should. I simply didn’t have time to. So now that the situationship is over I’m finally getting back to me.

When everything first happened, all I wanted was answers. I wanted to know why I wasn’t good enough. I wanted to know why it was so easy to throw me away. I wanted to “fix” myself to make ”me” better for him. Then, I didn’t care about us fixing things, I just wanted to know why.

But now, I’m so content! I’ve accepted, we simply weren’t compatible and that’s that. I’m overall, grateful for the time we spend together, and wish him nothing but the best. And, I’m so thankful to know, closure is not finding out “why.”

For me, closure is about accepting your uncontrollables, making a conscientious decision to work on your mistakes, and learning when to know the difference. Hmm, that sounds like the Serenity Prayer. Never heard it? Well here, indulge & enjoy!

“God grant me the serenity

To accept the things I cannot change;

Courage to change the things I can;

And wisdom to know the difference.”

(Source: Google)

I love y’all!

(All new journeys will be uploaded the 1st and 3rd Saturday of each month by 12:30 EST)

I am BEAUTIFUL. I am PASSIONATE. I will LOVE.

A Love Letter (Fourth)

Hey Handsome,

It seems like forever since I’ve sat down and conversed with you. Honestly, at this time, you seem like an unachievable figment of my imagination. I’ve even asked myself, multiple times, if I want to get married. I mean, be completely honest, you know I’m a handful.

Most times, I speak before I think… And, my eyes roll more than tires on an 18 wheeler going 80 miles an hour, late to its next stop. At times, I can be stubborn, thinking the world revolves around me and becoming very petty when I’m told ”no.” And this is all on a good day. So why would you choose to deal with the mess that is me? But then, I think about the man God is molding you into.

A man who will be fully graced specifically for me. A man, the Father has fully equipped to pray for me, as well as with me. A man, Abba will lead daily to ease the tension we may go through from time to time. And, a man, that will petition our Father in times of joy, sadness, and especially anger.

This week, I’ve come to realize, you are heaviest on my mind when I’m farthest from God… That’s always when I dream about you the most, as if you’re reminding me, my walking away from the Father, is also me walking away from you. And I always find my way back to Him, not for you, but because my safe place begins in His arms (I appreciate you keeping me on track already though).

So, I’m back in the Word, and something about it is so different. I find myself staying focused during virtual services, though I am eager to get back to the actual Church building. I’m taking notes and being more cognizant of applying what I learn in life. I mean, I’ve always applied the Bible to my everyday life (parts of it anyway), but now I’m being intentional.

I want to start talking to God more, but honestly it scares me. I know I have to break through this fear. A Pastor from back home said something years ago that always replays in my head: “Your voice is your spiritual address, how will God know where to send your blessings if He never hears your voice?” (Interesting thought, right?)

I don’t want to talk to God to get more blessings though, I want to become comfortable speaking with Him, to learn the purest form of love. A love so constant, it forgives one hundred times, times infinity. A love so strong, it holds on tight no matter how far away I stray. A love so genuine, it reveals my flaws and loves me through correcting them. A love so steadfast, it strengthens with every mistake I make.

A love so giving, It will one day, allow me to share just a drop with you. That drop, however, will never evaporate. It will never run dry. You will never feel second best and you will always know my love for you was molded and shaped by the one and only Jehovah Jireh, who will provide for us, endlessly, throughout our union.

Hmm, thinking about it, learning to love with the Father, actually sounds like one of the greatest blessings of all. I’m excited to share what I’ll learn with you. Until I write again, please know I’m always striving to be the best me I can.

With a never ending drop of love,

Your Future Wife

(All new journeys will be uploaded the 1st and 3rd Saturday of each month by 12:30 EST)

I am BEAUTIFUL. I am PASSIONATE. I will LOVE.

Closing the Gap

It’s been so long, since I’ve sat down and wrote what was genuinely on my heart. You know, letting you all in, without limitation, fear, or regret. Showing you, the depths of my heart, without caring if you’ll accept me or not. Honestly, a part of me wonders if I can go back to being that free. The other part wonders what happened to me…

How did I go from sharing my life lessons, to hiding in silence? From just wanting to leave a positive imprint on this world, to running from my calling… From knowing my value, to questioning the currency… From standing up for the voiceless, to becoming one of the voiceless… What happened to me…?

Beautiful. Passionate. Love. turned two on October 9th, 2020. I know, I should have at least celebrated this milestone with you all, however, why celebrate what’s dead. That’s right…I said it. She was dead to me. Full transparency, I thought about shutting the site down the same day she turned two.

You see, when I stopped exploring with you all, it wasn’t planned nor was it by choice. Hell, I don’t even think it really hit me that I had stopped until about 3 weeks after not posting. I can’t even tell you how many journeys I started but couldn’t finish. How many nights I thought about chapters of my life I should share but couldn’t find the words. So I just stopped…

If you’ve ever been passionate about anything, you know not having access to that [thing] can be traumatic. Well, to be a writer with no words is literally heart breaking. Writing is not only how I communicate, it’s how I de-stress. It’s how I come to grips with whatever the world throws at me. When I lost my words I lost my voice, so I saw no point in continuing Beautiful. Passionate. Love..

So, for months now, I’ve been silent… I’ve been fearful… I’ve been disengaged… And, I’ve been embarrassed… I’ve severed potential business opportunities because I couldn’t see past my self doubt. I’ve caused damage to friendships and family bonds because I couldn’t see my value. I stopped hanging out, and started staying in, all because I didn’t know how to write (or even scream) one word… “HELP.”

H.E.L.P. Why does this word choke me up and shut down every path of effective communication? What am I so afraid to reach out? And, what do I need help with? Pshh… I wish I had the answer to all three questions. I don’t. I wish I could just wake up tomorrow and this miserable feeling would magically be washed away. Because we all know this isn’t possible, I have to choose to push through. But, how?

Emotionally, I am hurting. Mentally, I am confused. Physically, I am living my best life. What I seek is balance. I want to say I’m doing well and genuinely mean it. I want to be able to say the issues I’ve had with my mother and father are behind me. I want to be a cycle breaker for my family…

I’ve been thinking about what I can do, to position myself to regain my stability in life. Honestly, I still don’t have the answer. I mean I’m looking into the obvious suggestions (i.e. therapy, prayer, journaling), however, I know those alone won’t work for me. A part of my healing has been this platform. Therefore, I have to find my words and continue to share openly and honestly with you all.

With that being said, I am so glad to announce we will be exploring together twice a month. At this time, I do feel Saturday’s are best. I’m thinking, the 1st and 3rd Saturday of each month! Thank you all for continuing to explore with me.

I love y’all!

(All new journeys will be uploaded the 1st and 3rd Saturday of each month by 12:30 EST)

I am BEAUTIFUL. I am PASSIONATE. I will LOVE.

A Year Already?

Hey BPL family! It’s the last week in September, which means, as of today I’ve been in Kentucky for a year!! Can you believe it? Some days I still forget I live here. Well, this journey isn’t long or extraordinary, however, it’s necessary. Sometimes, on our life journeys, we forget to point out the awesome milestones we’ve accomplished. I refuse to continue down that road. Are we ready to explore? Me too! Indulge & Enjoy.

Dear Beautiful,

Today marks a year since you’ve moved to Kentucky, and I just want to say, I’m so proud of you! I mean, a year ago today, you drove away from everything familiar to you, to embark on a journey of the unknown. What a rewarding journey it has been thus far!

You’ve learned so much more about yourself, and you continue to take risks, daily. I mean, you went from learning how to do makeup, to learning how to do your own nails, and now relearning how to do hair, all at the same time. Not only are you saving money, but you’re also exuding a self-sufficient, determined attitude that’s genuinely inspiring.

On top of keeping your peace and self-reflection at the forefront of your goals. You’ve learned to embrace your flaws and flaunt them with pride! You’ve expanded your tolerance levels, to allow others to unapologetically be themselves around you, at all times. And, you’ve allowed your light to shine brighter than ever before.

You’ve learned to stop worrying about the opinion of the masses and do what makes you happy. One quality you’ve gained, which makes me so proud, is the ability to disagree without destroying. See, you used to be so quick to destroy friendships/relationships over simple disagreements. (I believe you refer to it as your “cut off game” being strong.)

You may not see it, but you’re an encouragement to others. Okay, so your faith may not be where you feel it should be. Your self-esteem may dwindle every now and then. And, your finances may be a little thin, at times. But guess what, YOU’RE HUMAN! All of these negative attributes make you more relatable to the world.

Sometimes you forget how powerful your presence is and you distance yourself from loved ones. Stop doing that. They need your light just as much as you need theirs. When you’re not feeling social I need you to push through and love on your family and friends. Do not allow the enemy to steal your voice, again.

I could go on and on about the beautiful young woman you’re still blossoming into, however, I’ll cut it short for now. Just remember to always let your light shine. The world needs it, now more than ever. Stay authentically YOU, my love.

I love you more than words can ever express!

I am BEAUTIFUL. I am PASSIONATE. I will LOVE.

One Last Goodbye…

B.P.L. Family!! My goodness how I’ve missed you! Yes I know it’s been a little over two months. And yes, I know most of you thought our journeys were over. But, WE ARE BACK!

We’re definitely going to start off slow with more of a free form flow until I get back into the swing of things. Thank you so much for being so patient with me and know, I love and appreciate you all!

Ready to explore? Indulge and Enjoy!

I allowed you to penetrate the depths of my heart, expecting you’d know how to handle it this time. But, you didn’t. I held on to every word you said, imagining them all coming true. But, they never will. I was open… More open than I’ve ever been with anyone before because I knew you knew where I came from…

You knew the little girl that hated herself. You knew the childish teen that used her body to feel a love she could never find. You knew the young woman that would give anything in that world to be beautiful. An, yet, you loved her. You loved her through her pain and you pushed her to genuinely love herself. So, I just wanted to show you the love you once showed me.

Allow me to caress that pain, lying beneath the smile you wear daily, pretending everything’s just fine. Let me wash away the feeling of doubt, written in the wrinkles of your forehead, you think no one sees. Allow me to serenade you with stories and fantasies of a life together, as you drift into a deep slumber. Relax baby boy, I’ve got you.

You want me to wait? I’ll wait for you. I’ve been waiting for yo-… Hold on… Wait, why the hell didn’t you wait for me? You could have waited. Love… True love… Would have waited for us to actually finish before moving on. Before getting married. But now, four months before your two year wedding anniversary you want to tell me you’re still in love with me.

Yeah yeah yeah. You waited to tell me because the timing wasn’t right. But what’s so right about this timing? NOT A DAMN THING! But, it’s you and I’m the new me so let me allow you a moment to explain yourself. Go ahead, I’m listening… Right, now you don’t know what to say. Well, I’ll help you get started.

Start with the fact that you’re still the young man I fell in love with all those years ago. Having virtual relationships and promising women stuff you know you don’t plan to give them. You see, what family and friends didn’t know was, when we were together you did that dumb shit to me. I remember the messages in your phone. I remember crying because you just didn’t “know what to say.” So we stayed together…

Here’s something you can say… Tell me about your brokenness. Tell me that you’re so broken you don’t know where to start unpacking. Talk about how you pour all of your time and energy into fixing someone else because you’re afraid to heal yourself. That’s the key as to why you’re not “happy” in your marriage.

I’m so happy, conversation was all I was able to provide you in your time of unhappiness. I’m so happy, I’ve grown from being the Side Chick, I was once so very comfortable being. I’m so happy, for the reality check I so desperately needed to break me from the fantasy land I resided in, with you.

I’m so happy…

I’m so happy…

I’m so so happy…

I bet you’re wondering why I’m so happy, huh? Well, I’m happy to finally close the door on the last piece of my past that was haunting me. I’m happy, my heart is still pure and as genuine as before we met. I’m happy, I learned to love myself like no other will ever be able to. And, finally I’m so happy to know you never genuinely loved me. Now, I can stop comparing every man that has interest in me to a young love that simply never used to be.

And no, this time around, we cannot be friends.

God Bless & Goodbye…

I am BEAUTIFUL. I am PASSIONATE. I will LOVE.