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Taking a Chance

Staring out of the window at work I think to myself…

Do you really want to do this? Are you going to invite anyone who wants to read this into what may be one of the most personal journeys of your life? Will you be transparent enough for them? Will anyone read it? If they do read it will they care? If they care will they understand? What will you even write…

The longer I looked out the window the more I felt an urge to just close my computer and buy a journal. “I mean you love to write anyway so just write it out,” I thought to myself.  What’s the point in making your thoughts feelings and life available to the world? No one wants to read about your problems.

I mean these thoughts of mine are making a ton of sense! What will I gain from sharing snippets of my story?  A voice, a platform to help others, some sanity from all these thoughts roaming so freely? There are enough people ranting and raving about their problems on the internet, mine definitely don’t need to be there.

But who said anything about complaining? This isn’t a place to voice my problems! It’s a place to celebrate my wins! To openly express to everyone willing to read that I’m nowhere near perfect AND THAT’S OKAY. I will definitely struggle and have moments where I want to give up! The best part is you all have a front row seat to watching me push through!

I invite you to kick back with me weekly as I step out of my comfort zone into my discovery zone. Welcome to Beautiful Passionate Love (The Journey to Discovering Me).

See you soon!

(All new post will be uploaded Saturdays by 12:30 EST)

 

I am BEAUTIFUL. I am PASSIONATE. I will LOVE.

But, What About Me?

~Hey Hey! How has this week treated you all? I pray it was full of opportunities to grow! As for me, this week was a challenge! God revealed some emotionally draining, toxic relationships, I have to begin to evaluate. All and all though, this week has been so beautiful!

I mean, I’ve experienced an enormous wave of positivity that stayed with me from Wednesday afternoon, until this very present moment! It’s an amazing feeling. I’ve never been high before (by drugs of any sort), but this has to be what it feels like! I feel confident… proud… tranquil and joyful. The best I’ve felt in a long time!

Well, this has been a longer introduction than usual! We aren’t even exploring this on our journey. Let’s not waste any more time! Indulge & Enjoy!~

Hey,

When I sat down to write this letter I was concerned I would become exactly who you say I am. Afraid, I would take the bait, and explore a hateful journey, going against everything Beautiful. Passionate. Love. stands for. Terrified, my platform wasn’t being perceived for its intended purpose. But, I’ve overcome my fears… I’ve addressed my concerns! And, I’m ready to address you.

I know you don’t want to accept it, however, you’ve played a role in my brokenness… You have referred to me as ungrateful, a traitor, even a fat b*tch. You have criticized my decision making whether I was right or wrong. You have belittled me and forced me into a box of uncertainty and confusion.

And, everytime I think we’ve made progress, you rip the scab off of an old wound and force us further apart. As I try to pull you closer, you deepen the wound by smiling in my face as if nothing ever happened…

What I need you to know is I LOVE YOU!! And, there’s NOTHING nor ANYONE that can change the love I have for you!

With that being said, I also need you to understand, this situation is no longer about you… The decisions I’ve made and will continue to make are solely based on me, and what I need to continue to blossom. Though you don’t agree with them, I pray, one day, you’ll support me and see/understand why they had to be made.

You’ve always been very vocal about your feelings to the people around us. For that, I’d like to extend an apology. I apologize, you didn’t feel comfortable enough coming to me before going to them. I apologize you got the impression I would not listen had you come to me. And, I apologize for the hurt/pain, causing you to react in this way.

I’m choosing to write these words to you because communication has never been one of our strengths. Confrontation nor hostility are feelings I choose to explore at this point in my life, therefore, a face to face conversation just isn’t right for the present moment. What I will extend is an offer to go out to dinner whenever and wherever you choose! It’s up to you.

Regardless of what you choose to do with these words, I need you to know I CHOOSE ME! My entire life, I have walked around on eggshells, fearful of hurting the feelings of people around me. I don’t know how this was instilled in me (or why for that matter), however, I can no longer accept this way of living. I can no longer fall asleep at night asking, “When do I get to start living my life…?” This year, I’ve FINALLY started living, and though it has severely strained our relationship, I LOVE IT!

I ADORE you beyond measure, and pray, peace understanding and forgiveness shower over you!

-Signed: Alyshia-Mae

Wait, y’all are still here!! Thank you so much for exploring with me this week! I had to share how I feel, and sometimes I feel like these weekly journeys are the only way to do so.

If you’ve read this letter and the only thought on your mind is, “Who did she write this to?” Go back and read it again because you’ve missed so many valuable points.

And, if you read this and you are unclear, or feel you don’t know you’ve received what I intended to put out, check this out!

This platform’s purpose is solely to work on me, while sharing with those who are invested in this journey (by reading weekly). This space will NEVER be used to bash, misrepresented or teardown ANYONE. All material in this space is written in a tasteful manner to ensure three main facts:

First: The identities of those referred to remain anonymous (unless permission is granted by said persons).

Second: Blame is never shifted onto persons/parties other than myself.

Third: My TRUTH is shared.

As the creator and ONLY author of Beautiful. Passionate. Love. it is my responsibility and privilege to ensure this space always promotes positivity and remains a safe space for all to express themselves. As you explore with me, always feel free to share what you’ve gathered alongside our journey. So long as whatever you “takeaway” is positive, I’ve achieved my purpose. This space is just as much mine as yours!

As always, feel free to ask questions and/or leave feedback in the comments section.

(All new journeys will be uploaded Saturdays by 12:30 EST)

I am BEAUTIFUL. I am PASSIONATE. I will LOVE.

Regaining Focus

~Hey Family!! Welcome to August! We are over halfway through 2019!! Can you believe it? Me either. I pray this year, thus far, has challenged you to alter your thought process. With 5 months left, I want to encourage you to stay focused. Ready to explorer? Let’s dive in. Indulge & Enjoy!~

I feel like this time of the year is when most people begin to give up on themselves. I mean, for 7 months, you’ve been working on you, and you may not feel you’ve made enough progress. You’re not seeing the fruit of your labor, and you may not even remember what you’re working so hard for.

If this is you, I need you to remember, it isn’t over! You still have 5 AMAZING months ahead of you! Please, don’t cheat yourself!

KEEP PUSHING!!!

I’m here at this very moment. I don’t see enough progress to be satisfied with my actions. Apart of me wants to give up and start a new path, however, I know I need to continue fighting through this!

In the last month, I haven’t had much spiritual reflection, nor have I taken time for the important aspects of my life. Between work and dealing with my moving situation, I haven’t had much of any time to really decompress.

With all this being said, none of this gives me the right to give up on my promise with God, myself, nor my future husband! And, it doesn’t give you the right to give up on your promises either.

My word for the next 5 months is CONSISTENCY. I have to put forth the same effort I did in the first 7 months! Notice, I didn’t say I have to try harder. Most of the time, progress can’t be seen when you’re in the middle. You just have to keep the faith in knowing you’re doing what your Heavenly Father has asked of you.

Also, please remember we aren’t perfect! We’re going to fall. Don’t let that derail you. It’s a part of success. Failure is the main component of growth. What I want you to do is, remember how you felt at that moment of failure. After you’ve prayed on it and asked for forgiveness, use it to push you! Use it as fuel! And never forget the pain you felt of letting yourself down. That pain will refocus you when you’re tempted in the future.

This is probably the shortest journey we’ve had so far and I apologize! I’m literally in the middle of packing, the movers will be here in a few hours! I just wanted to share a little bit of what I’ve been dealing with, this week. If you’re where I am, I challenge you to seek solitude and regrouped!

There will be no post next week, August 10, as I have a multitude of tasks to take care of. I love you all and I pray August begins to rebuild your faith in yourself.

As always, feel free to ask questions and/or leave feedback in the comments section.

(All new journeys will be uploaded Saturdays by 12:30 EST)

I am BEAUTIFUL. I am PASSIONATE. I will LOVE.

Find Your Peace

~What’s up family!! I pray this week has guided you one step closer to you finding your peace… As for me, this week has been pretty calm. I mean, my procrastination is at an all-time high, but that’s another story! Anywho, let’s explore! Indulge & Enjoy!~

P – E – A – C – E… Peace. Freedom from disturbance… Tranquility. (Google) Sounds good, right? It does to me! I mean, to be in a space of complete serenity… To be able to see and process all the chaos around you, yet, your soul remains at complete peace. Sounds amazing!

This is my dream… I want my soul to always remain at peace. I desire to help and guide everyone I come in contact with, in some aspect of their lives. I strive to constantly make a difference. However, I no longer allow this to come at the cost of my own peace!

For people, such as myself, who are constantly submerging ourselves in others’ turmoil, it’s difficult to claim and protect our peace. Because we are constantly communicating with people of all walks of life and faith, we often feel a heaviness weighing on our spirit.

Constantly pouring into others, we don’t realize we’re not feeding our souls the necessary content to promote peace and tranquility. Chaotic environments can only breed chaos! We tend to find ourselves becoming the very messes we’re attempting to clean up.

So, what can we do to not only regain our peace but protect it also? Great question!! If you’re anything like me, it may take you a while to find what brings you peace. Let me be clear, it’s IMPERATIVE that you take the needed time! This is also an opportunity to get to know yourself a little better! For me, I’ve realized, I find my peace in solitude.

Now, if you have the amazing, wonderful opportunity of knowing me personally, then, you’re aware I’m a social butterfly! I find pleasure in communicating with others, and I admire different walks of life. At one point in my life, I hated being alone. In fact, it terrified me!

S- O- L- I- T- U- D- E… Solitude. The state or situation of being alone. (Google, again) See, I use to equate solitude and alone as the same. Because I didn’t know the difference, I allowed my spirit, my soul, to be abused. Most of the time I was the abuser…

Check this out. Alone means, having no one else present, (Yes, I used google again!) and, I’ve already shared what google defines solitude as. So, to me, alone is on the physical sense- you know to physically have no one present. While solitude is a state of being.

You see, I could be in an arena full of thousands of people yet still be in a state of solitude. I could also be in a park, under a huge oak tree, reading a book, while children run past me giggling in complete bliss, and still be in a state of solitude. For me, solitude is a position of the mind!

So, back to our question of how we regain our peace and protect it? You take the time to learn what feeds your soul! You find what brings you tranquility. Is it reading? Is it out on the town with your friends? Is it dinner and a movie with your mom/dad or both? Is it all of the above? Awesome! But, if you’re not sure what feeds your soul, do what I had to do.

Step out of your comfort zone!

Just remember to have fun and feed your soul while doing so!

As always, feel free to ask questions and/or leave feedback in the comments section.

(All new post will be uploaded Saturdays by 12:30 EST)

I am BEAUTIFUL. I am PASSIONATE. I will LOVE.

Take Control of Your Destiny

~Hello Beautiful People! I pray this week has allowed you to step out of your comfort zone, and explore new opportunities! As for me, this week has shown me a few areas of opportunity to grow and of course, I’d love to share them with you. Ready to explore? Awesome! Indulge & Enjoy!~

This week I took time to focus on me, while still making time to enjoy my family that was in town. I must say I’ve learned a lot about myself, good and bad. I’m sure by now, if you’ve been on this journey with me from the beginning, you’re thinking… “ This woman is always self-evaluating.” Truth? You’re absolutely right! Evaluations, in my opinion, allow me to dig deep into my progress and make the needed changes to continue my growth. Because I NEVER want to stop growing, I will never stop evaluating myself. Take a look at the 4 major facts I learned over the past week!

You have come a long way, however, you have so far to go!

It’s very important to have this lesson at the top of my list! To take a moment, reflect on where I’ve been, and where I am now. I mean, I’ve worked daily to get to where I am, and it would be unfair not to praise myself (just a tad) for the accomplishments I’ve made thus far, no matter how small.

We as people, work off of appreciation. Think about it… How many times have you held the door open for someone, and waited for them to ‘thank you’? As they walk through the door, not even looking at you, you want to shout, “YOU’RE WELCOME!!” No? You’ve never feel this way? Hmm… Either I’m super petty or y’all are lying!

Now yes, I am petty (I’m working on it), however, I know for a fact I’m not the only one who feels this way! This feeling is the desire to feel appreciated. Just as we crave appreciation from others, we crave it from our selves as well.

Rejection will always be apart of your life, learn how to push through (instead of spiraling).

If you’ve been with me since the beginning of this journey, or you’ve gone back and read from the beginning, then you know rejection is something I’ve struggled with for the majority of my life. Well, after going months with feeling loved and wanted by everyone, mainly myself, I found myself back in this dark hole, feeling empty, invisible, and outcast.

Now, being fully transparent, feeling like this definitely caused me to backslide and do some things I thought were extremely far behind me. It’s what made me realize I have A LONG way to go and I’m ready to push to the next level.

What I also realized is rejection is a game of the mind. The rejection I felt, came from my family… People I know would not only take a life for me but, give their very own to ensure I never feel hurt again. I know for a fact they were in no way attempting to outcast me, however, I felt rejected. I’m learning how to recognize my triggers of rejection and how to start pushing through the emotions attached.

Keeping busy doesn’t reflect your growth!

Often times, when trying to overcome an obstacle, we believe it’s best to fill all open space. We enroll ourselves in activities, or pick up 100 hours of overtime at work. But, what happens when we run out of space fillers? What happens when we’re forced to face the very “issue” we’ve been avoiding? WE FAIL!!!

This was also me! I had created such a busy life, unknowingly, avoiding the issues I desperately need to work on. When I finally had a moment to breathe, well, I was forced to face my demons so to speak. And, yep, you guessed it, I failed. I,now, know busyness does not equal growth. I have to restructure my progress plan to include temptation, that I may be tested and pass!

This week I was able to fall in love with my imperfections… To see my flaws as opportunities… To make a conscious effort to understand the Alyshia-Mae you all can’t, don’t, or won’t see. I think the most valuable lesson I’ve learned this week is….

You do not get to choose what you deserve or are worthy of!

Before anyone falls off their chair, no I’m not saying you can’t choose what makes you happy. I’m also not saying you are not in control of what transpires in your life. What I AM saying, is when it’s all said and done and all of your flaws and failures are on the table, God still sees your worth and still know what you deserve. Now it’s time for you to see it too.!

As always, feel free to ask questions and/or leave feedback in the comments section.

(All new post will be uploaded Saturdays by 12:30 EST)

I am BEAUTIFUL. I am PASSIONATE. I will LOVE.

Be Your Own Project

~Oh Hey Family!! I pray you all had a blessed 4th of July! This week, I’d like to remind you all to remember to take time for YOU! It’s just a quick public service announcement, and then I’m going to follow my own advice. Ready to explore? Me too! Indulge & Enjoy!~

Too often, we pour an abundance of our energy, into the people around us, forgetting to refuel ourselves. I mean, we are so concerned with making sure everyone around us is good. We pour into, we give away, we pray for, we even weep with sadness (most of the time not knowing why)… but who’s doing all this for us?

Before someone to tries to tell me about mantels we carry, or how callings from God create responsibilities we don’t ask for… CALM DOWN! I’m not telling anyone to stop pouring into others lives… I’m simply saying we have to start pouring into ourselves AT LEAST HALF the amount we pour into others.

The issue I have with people who constantly pour into others, such as myself, is the low moments, people around them pretend they can’t see. We literally pour our everything into those around us (sometimes even for people that aren’t around us), and no one seems to realize our energy draining.

The most frightening realization is, not realizing individually how low we are. Once we realize something is wrong we tend to not associate it with helping those in need. We just say we need more sleep or need to change our diet… NO! We need to rest… We need to put US first for just a moment… We need to spend some time being our own project!

Never be afraid to step back and refuel yourself. How can you, effectively, assist others if you aren’t at your best? YOU CAN’T! So, if you aren’t taking care of yourself, you can’t continue to build up and pour into those who need it.

With that being said, as I mentioned in the beginning on this journey… I’m taking my own advice and taking a break to rejuvenate myself… There will be no journey Saturday, July 13th. I will see y’all July 20th! Continue to work on you, and find something new to love about yourself. I love you all!

As always, feel free to ask questions and/or leave feedback in the comments section.

(All new post will be uploaded Saturdays by 12:30 EST)

I am BEAUTIFUL. I am PASSIONATE. I will LOVE.

A Love Letter (First)

~ Hey Hey Family! Before we do anything, I need to say HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO MY BEAUTIFUL MOTHER!! This post isn’t about her, however, I definitely have to give a shutout to my biggest supporter. Mommy, I love you and pray this birthday is magical! Thank you, for always supporting me in all I do.

Alright, back to our journey, I pray this week left you at perfect peace with the events of your past! For me, this week has been… well, futuristically romantic is the only way I can think to explain it… Anywho, I’m so excited to share with you!! Are you ready to explore together? Let’s dive in! Indulge and Enjoy!! ~

Dear Husband,

As I sit and think of you, I am forced to think about the “boyfriends” I’ve tried to force in your place. Sorrowed fills my heart, at the thought of giving up on you for the instant gratification of what this generation calls love. I’m embarrassed at how impatient I’ve been. I’m terrified by how careless and vein I’ve become. And, I owe you an apology…

First, allow me to apologize for pushing us further apart. I’ve allowed us to remain strangers, by operating in fear. Out of selfishness, I refused to properly prepare for you. Loneliness became my excuse for not working on me. Fatherlessness, became the crutch explaining the men I choose to give myself to, knowing they would never compare to you.

Next, I need to apologize for not loving myself the way you love me. Randomly throughout my life, when at my lowest moments, I feel a wave of love shower over me. I know it’s you praying for me. I know it’s you begging got to show me how much you love me. And, I know you’re asking God to reveal me to you. I also know, God is explaining to you, “She’s not ready yet, my son.”

I want to apologize for my lack of prayer for you. In the chaotic world we are forced to live in, we need as many believers praying for us as possible. As your future best friend and wife, I should be lifting you up before God daily. I should be praying for your strength in God to live out your destiny. And praying, somewhere soon in your destiny, you’ll be led to me.

I want you to know, I have been working on me for some time now. I’ve been learning how to love me, all of me. By learning to love me, I can now begin loving you. I cherish the process I’m in because I know we’re being pulled closer together. And, if this letter finds you in sadness, heartbreak, or disarray, I’m asking you to smile. Smile knowing this is simply a valley in the journey that will, one day soon, unite you and me.

Until we meet, know I sincerely love you,

Signed: Your partner in Christ

Your future best friend,

Your biggest supporter,

Your Wife…

Marriage is a commitment I’ve wanted since I was a child. Call me old school, however, I don’t plan on having children until after I’m married. What I don’t believe is, my husband will make me whole. God is the only being that can complete me. My husband, however, he will make me stronger in Christ. He will enhance my strengths, and except my flaws while helping me to become an even better woman of God. And, I will do the same for him.

Start praying for your future spouse, the same emotions you deal with are the same ones he/she is going through. The longer we sit in our mess, the further we become from our spouse. Stop cheating yourself and your future spouse…

As always, feel free to ask questions and/or leave feedback in the comments section.

(All new post will be uploaded Saturdays by 12:30 EST)

I am BEAUTIFUL. I am PASSIONATE. I will LOVE.

I Like It-You Don’t Have To

~Hey There! I pray this week has revealed just a piece of your destiny to you. Not much, just enough to encourage you to keep pushing through all obstacles in front of you. As for me, this week has been beautiful overall! I reconnected with an old friend and I’m back in the gym! Let’s not waste any time. Clear your mind, get ready for this journey and… Indulge & Enjoy!~

So, I’ve been struggling with how I wanted to explore this topic, still slightly am… We’re all about transparency here though, so I’m just going to do what I do best and keep it real with y’all! I mean, I know you guys won’t judge me.

If you’ve been exploring with me since the beginning, then you know I’ve struggled with multiple insecurities. From feeling invisible, to looking in the mirror and literally hating the person looking back at me, self-hate confound me.

A few months prior to the birth of Beautiful. Passionate. Love., I decided I was tired of hating myself and started my journey of self-discovery. While a huge part of this journey is sharing with you all, there is a plethora of hard work and dedication you don’t see.

Humbly, I am oh so very proud to say I’m not that insecure little girl I use to be! Yes, I’ve come a long way, however, some days I feel I’m right back to square one. Now, before someone tries to say, “If you can go back there, then you haven’t grown much at all,” check this out…

I can’t remember if I told y’all or not, however, shorty is becoming a makeup expert! I began experimenting with it back in April, when one of my friends convinced me to buy my first liquid lipstick (I ended up leaving the store with 5- plus my first makeup bag!)

About a week after my first purchase, I needed a new makeup bag, the original one could no longer zip up. Of course, my work bestie Barbarella and I headed back to Target for a new bag… and more lippies (liquid lipsticks). I was killing the lips and mascara look on a daily. Then, I was introduced to Ulta!!! Words can’t express how much I love this store!

I purchased two eye-shadow palettes and a highlighter palette. COMPLETELY FELL IN LOVE! So, Saturday I make one of my random trips to Ulta (these trips happen about 3 times a week) and decide I want to try foundation. Now, allow me to be honest. I am blessed with very clear, even-toned, beautiful skin, so foundation really isn’t needed. I just wanted to see how it looked! To say, I LOVE IT would be an understatement!! Check it out…

Family!!! Clearly, you all can see, I’m feeling myself! Now, listen to the mess that happens next…

From the day I started wearing Lippies, criticism regarding me wearing makeup surfaced from everywhere. “That color is too bright,” or “Dark colors don’t fit your complexion…” One person even went as far as saying, “You don’t look right with makeup on.”

Even though I receive so much positive feedback, I was starting to feel discouraged. I love how I look with and without makeup. Am I supposed to stop wearing it simply because the people around me don’t like my new look? Do I have to listen to them? Are they right? Am I using makeup to hide insecurities I thought were gone?

What I’m realizing is, insecurities don’t ever fully go away. What happens is, as you learn to love yourself and build up your self-esteem, you build security within yourself. So, what starts to happen is, when those insecurities start trying to shine through, a loud voice begins to overpower those thoughts.

Affirmations such as, “I am beautiful even when I don’t feel as such,” no longer have to be verbally said because we don’t have “ugly days” anymore. We begin to see our own beauty in every facial expression we make. We here those negative comments and they begin to go in one ear and out of the other.

The biggest lesson I’ve learned is, there’s always going to be someone who doesn’t like what you choose to do, wear, or say. Their opinions, especially unsolicited, shouldn’t ever contribute to how you feel about yourself. Once you learn to love all of you, finding joy in life becomes so much easier.

As always, feel free to ask questions and/or leave feedback in the comments section.

(All new post will be uploaded Saturdays by 12:30 EST)

I am BEAUTIFUL. I am PASSIONATE. I will LOVE.

Tearing Down or Building Up

~Happy Father’s Day weekend! What are you all doing to show appreciation for your Fathers? I pray, whatever you decide to do, it’s received with love and appreciation. As for me, this Father’s Day is different. I’m so used to spending Father’s Day in a bitter slumped depression. This year, I’m overjoyed! I did do something special for my Dad. I pray he enjoys it!

Anywho, I’m not ready to open up and share my relationship with my Father with everyone just yet. I mean, I love everything about it, however, it’s still so new to me. I’m choosing to be very selfish when it comes to letting people into our blossoming relationship, and that’s perfectly fine! So, this week, I found a piece I wrote back in 2011 about body image. ( Specifically, how I felt about my body.) I wanted to share it with you all. Ready to journey? Awesome! Indulge & Enjoy.~

Look at me. Do you see me, or do you see me? Can you even tell the difference? Honestly, at this point, I can’t. I walk with pride, my head held high, pressed to the sky so that no one can see my lie. Yeah, I’m beautiful, smart, and talented, but in reality, I’m also dumb. Why? Because I’ve been living the same lie my whole life. How the hell did I forget who I really am…? It all started about 13 years ago. I was six. I thought I had the whole world ahead of me, I thought this was the start of my “real world,” the only problem was I didn’t know how real it would be.

I was in kindergarten, shorter than I am now of course but still chunky, and we as a class were doing the “What I want to be when I grow up” game. As we thought and told the lunch-lady what we wanted to be I noticed it was getting closer and closer to my turn. “Alyshia, what do you want to be when you grow up,” she asked with a friendly joyful smile on her face.

After giving it some thought I said, “I want to be a beautiful ballerina!” The lunch-lady responded with, “Well, you’re going to have to lose a lot of weight to make that dream come true.” This was my much too soon reality check. I never thought of myself as “fat” before. I mean, yeah I was chubby but chubby at my age was cute right?

That was the question on my mind that day that I went home. In the car, I asked my mother several questions trying to beat around the bush but my mom didn’t want to play my games.

“Yes Alyshia-Mae you are fat, but so is every woman in our family. It’s in our genes there is nothing you can do to change that.” But, every woman in my family also seemed angry. They are single with at least two children and I didn’t want to be like them. I couldn’t be like them I wanted to be happy. I wanted a family one day.

But maybe fat people aren’t allowed to have a happy family like skinny people. Maybe God made us be alone and,to be the angry people in the world. I knew no matter what I wanted I couldn’t go against what God already had planned for me.

Throughout the next day, I was pretty self-conscious about my size. I was confused because everywhere I went people would tell me how pretty I was, I wondered if they could see my fat like the lunch lady did. If they saw it they would know I couldn’t be pretty because fat people can’t be pretty and pretty people can’t be fat. For weeks I battled with myself on if I was really fat and then I went to the doctors and it was time to face the overweight truth.

“Boy, are you growing,” said my doctor. “Now only if we could get you to grow up instead of out.” I knew exactly what he was talking about. But it wasn’t like I wasn’t active; I played and ran around all the time, but my body never changed. That day, I walked out of my doctor’s office with a smile and a hand full of stickers but behind my smile was a million pounds of tears because I now had confirmation.

My fears were now my reality. And to this day those fears still remain… Will I ever get married? Will I ever have a child without the fear of getting larger? Are fat people supposed to be happy beautiful and talented?

I may never know the answer to any of my questions, but, I don’t want to carry this mask any longer. I’m tired of pretending to be happy. I’m tired of imagining myself as skinny. I want to be happy as I am. IN MY OWN SKIN. I want to love who I am, ALL OF ME. I want to enjoy life however I choose, without the pressure of conforming to the world image of what I should be. I want to be ME.

I mean wow…it’s fearful for me to realize how long I stayed in this awful place. I mean, I was still there up until last year. I hated what I saw when I looked in the mirror and it reflected in everything I did, in every aspect of life. I wasn’t living because I was too busy trying to hide my body from the world…

I know I’ve shared the Ballerina Story with you all before, and it probably won’t be the last time. I want the world to understand how impactful words are to children. One criticism of my body carried me from 5, or 6, all the way to 26 years old! No, that wasn’t the only criticism and maybe all the criticism I received was true, however, it’s all about how that criticism is delivered!! Is it constructive or destructive? Only someone insecure with themselves would provide destructive criticism to a child. With that being said…

STOP DESTROYING THESE CHILDREN IN AN ATTEMPT TO BUILD YOURSELF UP!!!

As always, feel free to ask questions and/or leave feedback in the comments section.

(All new post will be uploaded Saturdays by 12:30 EST)

I am BEAUTIFUL. I am PASSIONATE. I will LOVE.

You All Won’t Make the Cut

~What’s new Family!? I pray this week has provoked you to think about your future. I hope your attitude towards your current situation is shifting as your destiny manifests itself. As for me, well, this week forced me to think about the people currently in my life.

Do they deserve to be in my next chapter? Or should they be spectators, on the sideline, as I continue to blossom and bloom? Let’s talk about it! Indulge & Enjoy! ~

As mentioned, this week forced me to think about the people close to me; family, friends, associates, even coworkers, and sincerely evaluate who deserves to be in my next season of life. Now, before we journey any further, allow me to clear up some misconceptions. Evaluating yourself, your life, and the people around you does not make you selfish, stuck up, nor bougie.

It’s YOUR right AND responsibility to ensure your constant growth! Therefore, you are obligated to do random self checkups and evaluations. Ask yourself this… If a doctor notices a small mass while examining a patient, does he leave it and allow it to potentially grow into cancer? Of course not, he cuts it out!

Just as the doctor cuts off the unhealthy parts of the body. You have to cut off the unhealthy people in life. If you don’t, they will grow and eventually consume you and your growth.

As the week progressed, it became easier for me to notice some of the people I had to cut off. What became overwhelming was the notion of having to be enemies because we weren’t friends. What hurts my heart the most, was the rumors beginning to surface painting one party to be worst than the other. But, then I thought…

Does parting ways mean we have to be on bad terms?

What I’m finding out, is most people say yes to the above question. When I have yet to find out is why… why do I have to dislike you, almost hate you, because we are no longer friends? Why am I expected to fabricate a narrative to the world, indicating you as the “bad guy”?

I REFUSE! I refuse to make someone else look bad in an effort to make myself look good. I refuse to let this stupid, ignorant, unnecessary expectation to be a part of my story.

It’s okay for me to not allow everyone around me full access to my life. What is not okay is fabricating a narrative to make myself look better. Stop allowing society to dictate your actions.

Everyone will not like your decision, especially the persons you’re parting ways with, however, you have to put yourself first. You have to take control of how you elevate in this next chapter of life. Like it or not, everyone can’t go with you. Listen to Ciara’s Level Up and step into this next season with confidence and grace!

As always, feel free to ask questions and/or leave feedback in the comments section.

(All new post will be uploaded Saturdays by 12:30 EST)

I am BEAUTIFUL. I am PASSIONATE. I will LOVE.

Goodbye 26

~Oh Hey Family!! I pray you’re all making peace with the decisions of your past. How have y’all been? I’ve missed you all! What’s new? How have you grown in the last two weeks? No, seriously, tell me in the comments section! As for me? Well, let’s talk about it! Are you ready to explore? Let’s do it!! Indulge and Enjoy!!~

As most of you know, I turned 27 on May 27th. To close out my 26th year, I’ve done an overview of the most impactful moments during this past year of life. I wanted to answer the questions most people intentionally avoid. Questions that tend to be too difficult, emotionally, to want to explore. I wanted to force myself to explore the good bad and ugly of this past year AND except every challenge I’ve faced.

Take a look at some of the difficult questions I’ve forced myself to reflect on…

What was the most drastic change of age 26?

One of the most drastic differences that occurred halfway through this year would have to be, making the decision to remove myself from my Church community. I can’t really say they did anything wrong. It’s just difficult to be yourself when you have no idea who you are.

This community tried so hard to push me to see my potential! They saw me when I didn’t see myself. They helped me start to pick up the broken pieces of my life, and made me aware of what God’s love can do IF you trust Him.

There, was the first time I genuinely felt God’s presence and actually heard His voice. This place started my growth process and forced me to admit the depth of my brokenness. Being honest, I miss them so much! I just don’t know how to return. I also don’t know if I’m really ready to go back.

What did you learn about yourself?

I’ve learned SO much about myself this year! I mean, I found my true beauty for starters! I’m able to look in the mirror at any time of day and see a level of beauty and happiness beaming from my soul. Some days, I find myself wondering how I was never able to see all of this prior.

I’ve also learned, it’s okay to trust people. Going so many years not trusting ANYONE around me was torture! I was constantly in defense mode. I even had moments where I was alone and couldn’t trust myself… How crazy is that? It feels amazing to not worry about when the next time someone will lie or hurt me will be.

I’ve been reminded, my power is in my words! For years, my words were silenced. I couldn’t write anything, keeping everything bottled up. I feel my silence was a major contribution to me being so lost… I firmly believe God gave me Beautiful. Passionate. Love. to not only find myself, but, to also find my way back to Him.

What are your age 27 goals?

Now I can’t give y’all ALL the tea, however, my greatest goal for age 27 is to continue to blossom into the beautiful young woman I am! I’m so eager to learn myself on an even greater scale.

I’m not really a fan of the whole “dating myself” term, especially at the level I’m exploring myself on. This feels more like a marriage, a lifetime commitment to never lose myself again. Have any of you heard of the show ‘Married at First Sight’? That’s how I feel. I married myself not knowing ANYTHING about the real me, and I’m enjoying every day of learning my likes and dislikes.

One goal from age 26 that will definitely follow me throughout age 27, and beyond, is Beautiful. Passionate. Love.! I love you guys, and I love sharing with you each week!

I am so grateful for everything I have experienced in my 26th year on this earth. You all had a glimpse of the last 7 months or so! WOW! Beautiful. Passionate. Love. is 7 months old already?

It’s been a while since I’ve taken a moment to thank you all for journeying with me each week. I am so eternally grateful for you!

Is there anything, from a previous post, I’ve mentioned that you’ve been wishing I’d discuss more in-depth? If so leave it in the comment section, I’ll see how I can work it into a future post.

As always, feel free to ask questions and/or leave feedback in the comments section.

(All new post will be uploaded Saturdays by 12:30 EST)

I am BEAUTIFUL. I am PASSIONATE. I will LOVE.