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Taking a Chance

Staring out of the window at work I think to myself…

Do you really want to do this? Are you going to invite anyone who wants to read this into what may be one of the most personal journeys of your life? Will you be transparent enough for them? Will anyone read it? If they do read it will they care? If they care will they understand? What will you even write…

The longer I looked out the window the more I felt an urge to just close my computer and buy a journal. “I mean you love to write anyway so just write it out,” I thought to myself.  What’s the point in making your thoughts feelings and life available to the world? No one wants to read about your problems.

I mean these thoughts of mine are making a ton of sense! What will I gain from sharing snippets of my story?  A voice, a platform to help others, some sanity from all these thoughts roaming so freely? There are enough people ranting and raving about their problems on the internet, mine definitely don’t need to be there.

But who said anything about complaining? This isn’t a place to voice my problems! It’s a place to celebrate my wins! To openly express to everyone willing to read that I’m nowhere near perfect AND THAT’S OKAY. I will definitely struggle and have moments where I want to give up! The best part is you all have a front row seat to watching me push through!

I invite you to kick back with me weekly as I step out of my comfort zone into my discovery zone. Welcome to Beautiful Passionate Love (The Journey to Discovering Me).

See you soon!

(All new post will be uploaded Saturdays by 12:30 EST)

 

I am BEAUTIFUL. I am PASSIONATE. I will LOVE.

Christians Struggle To…

Hey Family! I must admit I’m still a little downer emotionally… I honestly believe it’s due to the lack of social interaction due to being quarantined. How are you guys holding up? This week is dedicated to creative writing. So, let’s explore. Indulge & Enjoy!

As I wait patiently, in the dimly lit room, I wonder if the reviews I’ve read are true. Am I going to be bombarded with pamphlets about God and what he wants from me? How do they know what He wants from or for me when I don’t even know myself? How do they know, just from looking at me, what my destiny is?

The wait wasn’t long though. Walking back to the first room on the left, at the nurse’s request, I noticed how bare the walls are. No color. No pictures. No anything. Just white. Nothing like average doctors’ offices. At least not the ones I’ve been in.

After what felt like 10 minutes the nurse breaks the silence with the most confusing, uncomfortable question a doctor has ever asked me. “Are you pro-choice or pro-Life?” from her expression, I can tell my answer made her as uncomfortable as I was.“I’m whatever works for my life at the moment.”

Her discomfort didn’t last for long as the room seems to darken. She slowly lifts her head to look me in the eyes. As she stares at me, I make sure to keep eye contact, while mentally reminding myself to be firm in my decision. Breaking our intense stare, she looks down to close her folder of papers and bull another awkward question out of thin air. “Do you know God?”

My eyes started to roll, to the back of my head, as I realize I’m not even 5 minutes into my appointment and my lecture has begun. Attempting to answer her question as truthfully as I can, without lying or making this discussion last any longer than it has to be, I decide to think before speaking this time.

“I believe there is always room for improvement when it comes to knowing God. I come from a family full of religion. From my Grandfathers to my Fathers all being or have been Pastors. I also attended catholic school my whole life.”

As she listens to my history, her frown begins to fade and a beaming smile replaces it. Her smile seems to brighten the whole room as she says,“So you do know Him!”

Yes! I’m in the clear. This discussion is over! You definitely did your thing girl, I think to myself, but I wasn’t in the clear at all. It’s at this very moment I came to one of the most truthful yet frightening realizations of my life.

Lifting my head to now make eye contact with her, as if I wanted her to see the sadness in my heart I erase every assumption she’s making of me. “I guess you could say that but, the truth is I’ve never felt further away from him then I do now…”

All new journeys will be uploaded Saturdays by 12:30 EST)

I am BEAUTIFUL. I am PASSIONATE. I will LOVE

March Madness

Hey family! It’s the last Saturday in this crazy month, and can I just say… THANK GOODNESS! So much has transpired for me this month, (some good, some bad, and some not yet categorized), I feel it’s necessary to this self-reflection journey, and fully close the door on a few chapters in life. Are y’all ready to explore with me? Indulge & Enjoy!

My Past…

You seem to creep up on me when I least expect it,

Reminding me, I’m not far from where I started.

You encourage me to give up,

And, revert back to the sins I used to love.

You wrap your arms around me,

As a reminder, I’ll never be free.

Yet, daily I push on…

And on, I will continue to push.

Today, I officially say goodbye to you. No more trying to fix relationships that just won’t work (romantically or platonic). No more holding on to moments, unworthy of my attention.

Today, I change the locks on my heart, to make sure your key no longer works. I accept you, I love you, and I appreciate you. Please don’t “drop by,” or “check-in,” I promise I’ll always be okay… Be blessed.

My Present…

I constantly ignore you,

As I check-in, to see who’s come back around.

I pretend it’s not that serious,

As I slowly drift back to my old ways.

I always repeat this cycle,

Walking away from you to reminisce.

Yet, daily, you push me to push on…

And on, I will continue to push.

I’m here! I’m presently present! I want to pour into you and admire our time together. We both know this isn’t going to be easy, but I’m here. I promise to be committed to you and appreciate what you have to offer.

I know I’m a lot to deal with, and at times I’m all over the place, so thank you for never giving up on me. Please, continue to force me to keep my head up… I love you!

My Future…

Damn, you are always in the back of my mind,

Knowing every choice I make alters a different time.

I wish I could see more of you,

Just to show me what it is I need to do.

To give up my past is such a risk,

What if I don’t enjoy the unknown that doesn’t yet exist?

Yet, daily, we push on…

And on, we will continue to push.

I do not own you, therefore I promise to let you be and to stop trying to control you. I also promise, to enjoy the precious moments that are passing me by. I know it’s not easy for you to sit and watch me make the same mistakes over and over again, so I’ll try to make better choices in life.

You are so bright and beautiful. You have so much potential! Don’t let me or anyone else dim your light! As the days, months, and years pass the one thing I always want you to remember is, I love the strong, vibrant, beautiful, woman you grow into daily. The best is yet to come…

March showed me some really dark days. At times, I felt as though my voice had been taken from me, again. I struggled to see my beauty. I struggled to feel loved. I even struggled to love myself. In the midst of all of my struggling, I knew if I just continued to go through the motions I would feel again.

If this month was a struggle for you, I want you to journey through why. When you have your why(s), I want you to sit down and truly reflect on them. Are they true? Are they changeable? Can you change them? Can you remove them from your life? From here, make the necessary changes to protect your peace. No one on this earth can overcome your struggles but you. I love y’all.

(All new journeys will be uploaded Saturdays by 12:30 EST)

I am BEAUTIFUL. I am PASSIONATE. I will LOVE.

The Unknown

Hey Family! With everything going on in the world at the present moment, I really just wanted to let this journey be an encouraging one. I want you all to explore with me and leave seeing at least a little light at the end of what feels like a long dark tunnel. Ready to explore? Indulge & Enjoy!

So, lately, all we’re hearing about is sickness and death and, honestly, it’s exhausting. Life as we knew it has been halted and most of us are staying in the house (with the exception of a quick store run). Some of us are terrified while others are trusting in the Lord to see us through this difficult time. I’m pray we all come together on one accord, and continue to walk this faith journey together. Listen, I don’t know what tomorrow holds. What I do know is, if we keep our faith and continue to worship the Father, we will be alright.

I’m not an expert on this faith thing, but I know, times like this are when God is looking for us to stay faithful. No, I’m not saying this is a test from Him. What I am saying is regardless of why this virus has shifted our lives, we need to allow it to build our faith. God has not forgotten us, and he has not left us here to suffer. Pray, worship the Father, stay in your Word, keep your communication to the Heavens open. He wants to hear from you. He wants to know we are still trusting Him.

Let’s try something… Do you remember your first heartbreak? How did you feel? I’m certain words such as discouraged, confused, betrayed, and alone come to mind. But, for how long did it last? Did you allow it to dictate your entire life? Just as that heartbreak, this too is not permanent. No, neither one of us knows what’s going to happen tomorrow. Nor do we know what next week, or next month, will look like. But, I know by the grace of God we will adapt and we will thrive! What I know for a fact is this…

“And after you have suffered a little while, the God of all grace, who has called you to his eternal glory in Christ, will himself restore, confirm, strengthen, and establish you.”

‭‭1 Peter‬ ‭5:10‬ ‭ESV‬‬

(All new journeys will be uploaded Saturdays by 12:30 EST)

I am BEAUTIFUL. I am PASSIONATE. I will LOVE.

Look of the Month

What’s up y’all!!! Are we ready for the look of the month? I’m excited to share this look with you! I started doing makeup with really natural looks, and I tend to stay there. But, this week I decided to step out of the box a little… Take a look and let me know what you think!

Yes, you’re right, this is where I should list all of the products I’ve used to achieve this look, but I neglected to write them down (my sincerest apologies). So instead, what I would like to leave you with is this.

In the middle of executing this look, I glanced in the mirror and hated it! I felt as I’d I had ruined the look I was attempting. I decided to wipe everything off and start all over.

As I began reaching for the wipes, there was a small feeling of encouragement, persuading me to keep going. So I did. I kept applying as though I knew exactly what I wanted the outcome to be.

Long story short… I LOVE THIS LOOK! I said all of this to say. Don’t be so quick to give up. You may fall in love with the outcome!

(All new journeys will be uploaded Saturdays by 12:30 EST)

I am BEAUTIFUL. I am PASSIONATE. I will LOVE.

Come Home…

Happy March! I always feel refreshed in the month of March. You know like it’s a new year with new possibilities. It seems strange, my year doesn’t really feel new until 3 months in… Just goes to show, were all on different journeys, and you never know where, exactly, your neighbor is on theirs.

This week, I want to discuss a conversation I had Sunday, March 1st, that almost took me back to a seriously dark space. I thank God for keeping his hand on me while I chose to venture off into this world alone. Ready to explore? Indulge and Enjoy!

About a month ago, I prayed and I told God I loved Him. I told Him I love Him, but this life was too hard for me. I told Him I wasn’t leaving Him, but I needed to do a few things my way. He begged me to reconsider by shielding me from the very things my flesh desired. But, I refused. So he wrapped his arms around me, told me He loves me and will always be here when I needed Him. As I walked out the door, He asked me if I had my key, just in case, I changed my mind. I smiled and said “I do,” knowing I left it in the middle of my neatly made bed…

So foreign, yet so familiar… I sit at my desk daydreaming of the trouble I can get myself into tonight. I’ve been released, released from the conviction of my fleshly desires. I can live in this world and be free of the weight of being the perfectly imperfect Christian. My struggles can become my struggles in private again. I don’t want to be seen as a “Church Girl,” or a “PK– Preacher’s Kid.” I wanted to be the version of me that was innocent in the light and full of sin in the dark. The version of me that men lust after, regardless of their relationship status, and I’d play eeny-meeny-miny-moe to select the one I’d spend some time with…

So familiar, yet so foreign… I sit and wonder why the excitement of spending the night with a man I’ve known for, ehh maybe 3 days doesn’t shoot through my body like it used to. As the Spirit whispers to my heart, “Come home, this isn’t you, Never was you…” I try to shake the feeling… My brain keeps repeating, “I can do this, this is me…” The feeling just won’t go away. So, torn between the two, I call and cancel my plans, explaining something came up. But, I extend an invitation to reschedule…

Everything is so innocent… My emotions are completely out of whack. I’m acting before thinking and somewhere in my irrational mind, it all makes sense. I’m forcing myself to believe, all is well, because… well… I mean, it’s the easiest thing to do. Who wants to admit their soul is at war with their flesh, for their salvation, and at the present moment their flesh is winning? Who wants to tell the world they intentionally walked away from a life of growth, and prosperity for failure and stagnation. But, my Father said I can come home whenever I want, right? I wonder if he meant it… Yeah, I think I’m ready to go home… Shoot, I can’t even do that, because I left my key in the middle of my neatly made bed…

Innocent is everything… He’s so adorable… I’ve brushed him off for months, yet, he still reaches out almost daily. Persistence! I like that. Plus, it’s just conversation, what harm can it do? But, his conversation activates something in me that I’ve desired for so long. Intimacy! My mind has been craving an intellectual conversation with an attractive man who knows God. Or does God just know him? WHO CARES! We’re definitely entertaining this… I won’t let it go too far, I promise… But, then that voice in my brain begins to remind me, “I can do this, this is me…”

“You can tell your Dad has always given you everything you ask for,” the assumption pierced my ears like nails on a chalkboard. Immediately, the insecurities of not having my dad growing up flooded my spirit. Defense rises, as I prepare to let this man know exactly what my Dad has done for me. As I open my mouth, my soul calms my mind. My hardened heart softens. My words retreat from the tip of my tongue. “He meant your Father… Your heavenly Father,” a familiar voice whispers in my ear as tears begin to fill my eyes, “Come home…”

But, I don’t have my key… How will I get in? My Father is the busiest being I know. There’s no way He will be sitting in the house waiting for me. “Come home,” the voice repeats, no explanation nor hesitation. How? How can I get home? I walk into my room, look at my neatly made bed, and right in the middle of the pillows, it was there. My Bible. How did I not notice I had my key all along? I climb in my bed and flip to my favorite scripture, 1 John 3:1.

See what great love the Father has lavished on us, that we should be called children of God! And that is what we are! The reason the world does not know us is that it did not know Him.

As I lay in bed wondering what my Father thinks about my return, I hear a confident, secure, stern, yet understanding voice whisper, “Welcome home, My child.” My heart reverts to a posture of worship and reverence. You’re here? You waited for me! You knew I had my key this entire time, yet You still waited here for me! I love you Abba…

“I love you too, my little headstrong bull, he says as he kisses my forehead. “When you choose to leave I worry. I worry at how long it will take you to find your way back. This month felt like 3 years for me. Please don’t leave again.” He pleads with me to stay safe in the home He’s built for us. “But, if you do choose to leave know this My child: You have left Me, I have not, nor will I ever leave you. I will always be here, waiting for you to use your key…”

(All new journeys will be uploaded Saturdays by 12:30 EST)

I am BEAUTIFUL. I am PASSIONATE. I will LOVE.

February’s Favorite Moment

Hey Family! Can y’all believe we are already wrapping up the 4th week of February? I mean, this year is flying by! This week is supposed to be a recap of the month, but honestly, I’m not in the mood for a recap.

Don’t get me wrong, February has been beautiful. I just don’t particularly feel like reciting all the blessings the month has showered on me. So, instead, I want to share what’s on my heart. Let’s explore. Indulge & Enjoy!!

This month I have met/reconnected with some interesting people. I’ve had some amazing activities transpire. And, I’ve had some wonderful conversations (at work and just out and about). One of my favorite conversations came from a series of text messages.

Here I am, at work passing the time asking questions to someone I’ve actually known for years, but just recently reconnected with. It became fun because they actually seemed genuine in what my answers were. See, most people enjoy talking about themselves, therefore, when you ask them a question they never give you a chance to answer that question. This conversation was entirely different.

After a series of questions, I decided to ask them what their idea of a perfect day would be. They gave me two scenarios, which were both really dope. But then, I was asked to answer the question… Check-out what came to mind…

My perfect day would be waking up, in my husband’s arms, to our children rummaging through the kitchen cabinets. As I try to get out of bed, without waking him, he pulls me closer and kisses me on the back of my neck. I giggle, telling him I have to check on our babies and he says something slick like “I’m trying to check on my baby, but she won’t be still…” we tease each other back and forth for a little, then I get up and take care of the little ones.

I cook breakfast and begin to make plates. But, instead of eating at the kitchen table, the kids decide Daddy should have breakfast in bed. So, we go wake him up, and sit in bed while eating blueberry pancakes, bacon, eggs, grits, and fruit. Of course, the kids made a mess but no one yells no one is upset we just enjoy our family time.

Finally, we’re up dressed and ready to start our day of exploring. We take the kids to a museum or the zoo and take what feels like a billion pictures to add to our photo albums. Once the kids are exhausted, we take them to their grandparents’ house so mommy and daddy can have some quality time together.

Hubby decides he wants to go out so we go home and get fancy on ‘em. I slip on a little black dress (skin glowing). Looking through the closet for the perfect shoes, I decide on some red pumps. As I’m standing in the mirror admiring my outfit and flawless makeup, my husband walks up behind me… Wrapping his arms around my waist, and kissing my neck, he whispers in my ear how beautiful I am. As I feel him raising my already short dress, I know our plans have changed… We never made it to our destination…

(All new journeys will be uploaded Saturdays by 12:30 EST)

I am BEAUTIFUL. I am PASSIONATE. I will LOVE.

Misconception

Hey Family!! I want to take the time to thank y’all for rocking with me! This is our second spiritual journey, and to be honest, these may be my favorite journey!

So often, as Christians, the notion of getting it right is forced on us. We are made to believe there is no room for error and if we do make a mistake, we’re doomed to hell. (Now, don’t get it twisted, neither my current or previous Church is teaching this…)

This week we are going to journey through the misconceptions of giving your life to Christ. Indulge and Enjoy!

Before we proceed, I have to give credit where credit is due. About 2 years ago, I started removing secular music from my playlists and began listening to more faith-based music. There was an artist, by the name of Lecrae, I had a little bit of knowledge on from a song, he released in 2006, titled Prayin’ for You.

I decided to binge listen to him and I came across a song titled Misconception Pt 2. This song blessed me tremendously! I immediately added it to my daily rotation to encourage me to keep pushing on my journey to Christ. Check it out! Really pay attention to the chorus…

Chorus:

We’re flawless, and we think we’re better,

Its official, got it all together,

We don’t want em getting the wrong impressions,

Cause that ain’t real that’s a misconception,

Been a struggle, only Jesus kept us,

And we still fall, so it’s hard to get up,

We don’t want em getting the wrong impressions,

Cause this is real ain’t no misconception…

Did you listen to it? What are your thoughts? For me, this song helped to remove the stigmas society forced on me as a Believer. I was reminded, even with Christ in my life I’m still flawed. There will never be a day, I wake up sin-free, yet I strive for it daily.

Some of the world expects us to have it all figured out the moment we accept the Lord as our Savior. Well, guess what… it doesn’t work like that! I gave my life to Christ at the age of 9 and recommitted my life to him in October of 2017. I still don’t have it all figured out. I’m trying though. I will never stop trying…

I guess what I’m saying is Believers struggle too. It’s not above us, and it doesn’t mean we’re hypocrites. It means we’re human. Stop trying to force yourself into the box of perfection. You will never fit!

(All new journeys will be uploaded Saturdays by 12:30 EST)

I am BEAUTIFUL. I am PASSIONATE. I will LOVE.

Look of the Month

Hey Hey! Are you all ready for the look of the month? As I mentioned, these weeks will be little to no words. Honestly, I’m not sold on these beauty posts, therefore we may be revamping this week. 

Anywho, are y’all ready to explore this week’s look? Indulge & Enjoy!! 

This look was achieved with:

  • Makeup Revolution London
    • Conceal & Define Full Coverage Foundation F13
    • Conceal & Define Concealer C12.5
    • Rose Gold Chocolate Eyeshadow Pallet
    • Reloaded Lustre Lights Cool Highlighter 
  • Wet-N-Wild
    • Life’s No Pink-nic #962A Lips 
  • Maybelline
    • Lash Stiletto Very Black

This was one of the first looks I achieved and was super proud of! I love the natural look, you know where you can still see my “flaws”. 

Questions about the look? Comment them and I’ll make sure to get back to you. Thanks for taking this quick journey with me. 

(All new journeys will be uploaded Saturdays by 12:30 EST)

I am BEAUTIFUL. I am PASSIONATE. I will LOVE.

A Love Letter (Third)

Happy Black History Month! Happy National Love Month! Happy whatever you may be celebrating month! Regardless of what this month means to you, enjoy it! Life is entirely too short to be unhappy!

This month, forget all the negative voices, replaying in your head, and do what makes you happy! Welcome to our first official Creative Writing journey! This week, I want to focus on the love this month represents, for most, and write a love letter. Let’s explore. Indulge & Enjoy!

Hey You,

There are so many things I want to say to you, I just don’t have the words. Usually, when I write to you, the words flow from my soul, like rain falling in Spring. But, this time it seems like Spring in California. A feeling of nervousness has washed over me. Uncertainty is attempting to cancel out the security, thoughts of you bring me.

I’ve made so many mistakes, in my past, and though I’ve forgiven myself (and I know the Father has forgiven me also), thoughts of you knowing the WHOLE truth have consumed me lately. Don’t get me wrong, I know you’re a very understanding loving man, yet, I also know I’m going to have quite a bit of explaining to do.

I fear some of the events in my past will cause us to have serious doubts about walking down the aisle. I think about our marriage counseling sessions, and see the pain in your eyes as I tell you about moments I’ve never said out loud. As you begin to cry, my heart breaks, fearing you will call the wedding off and walk away from me completely. But, there’s still more to tell you.

You see, as your wife, I never want to put you in a shameful situation. I never want someone to be able to tell you about me. So, while sharing the most intimate details of my sex life may be breaking your heart, at least you’re hearing them from me.

I said all of this to say, I can’t change the choices of my past, however, every day I’m doing the work in preparation of being the perfect wife for you (Please realize, I did not say I would be the perfect wife.). I will never stop working to better us in all aspects of our lives.

I guess I used all these words to say, I’m writing this letter feeling unqualified to be your wife. What I know is, unlike our love for one another, this feeling is temporary.

I love you.

(All new journeys will be uploaded Saturdays by 12:30 EST)

I am BEAUTIFUL. I am PASSIONATE. I will LOVE.

January’s Reflection

The 4th Saturday of the month already? Geesh, Where has the time gone? Well., Welcome to our First monthly reflection!! This is where we will journey through the highs and lows of the month. Also, this is where any questions regarding previous journeys throughout the month will be answered.

We don’t have any questions to answer thus far this month, so this week will focus more on my feelings throughout the month. Cool Beans? Well, let’s explore! Indulge & Enjoy!

New Beginnings…

What better way to start a new year than with a new exciting business venture? Well that’s exactly what I did when I introduced the beauty aspect of B.P.L.! I was Over the moon excited to share a talent I enjoy so much with the world (still am). The truth is, it didn’t take off the way I wanted it to.

At first, I was discouraged and frustrated. I wanted to post random rants on Facebook. You know like, “Support those who support you…” and blah, blah, blah. (Petty, I know.) I’m so glad I didn’t though. This expansion has taught me so much about myself! I realized how fearless I am and how resilient I’ve become.

Foundations…

With every journey you embark on you should always start with building a foundation. What are some words that come to mind for you, when you think about the foundation you want for this year? Here’s a few for me: strong, faith, growth, humble, courageous, focused, and consistent.

The relationships blooming in my life are amazing, and a solid part of my foundation! A few years back, in New York, my Pastor, at the time, would always advise on the importance of community. Honestly, at that moment in my life, I was content with being alone, therefore I didn’t take his teachings to heart. Now, here I am in 2020, telling myself, and anyone who will listen, the importance of having a Godly community! (If you’re reading Pastor Mel, thank you!)

Faith…

My goodness! I can’t even begin to explain how amazing my faith journey has been this first month of the year! I’ve become more honest with myself, which allows me to be more open with you all. Not that I wasn’t open before, but I will admit I feared being judged by readers who didn’t understand where I was coming from or where I am going. But now, I’m free! Judge me, love me, hate me, adore me, I couldn’t care less!

I’ve learned to trust God in all aspects of my life (another lesson, I could’ve learned from my previous Pastor had I actually listened). One of the greatest flaws on my walk of faith was, only giving God access to what I wanted His help with. So, I would give him access to my finances but not my relationships or give him my relationship with my parents but not my significant other. Well, towards the end of 2019 I gave him access to my entire life and it was the greatest decision I’ve ever made.

Future…

Would you believe me if I told you I don’t really have a plan for this year? I’m not going to say this is the year I’ll lose 100lbs, or this will be the year, I meet my future husband. I don’t know what this year will bring my way… What I do know is with God by my side, I know it will be a year full of blessings and amazing opportunities!

Well, I guess I do have a plan for the year… Move out of God’s way and let Him work!

(All new journeys will be uploaded Saturdays by 12:30 EST)

I am BEAUTIFUL. I am PASSIONATE. I will LOVE.