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Taking a Chance

Staring out of the window at work I think to myself…

Do you really want to do this? Are you going to invite anyone who wants to read this into what may be one of the most personal journeys of your life? Will you be transparent enough for them? Will anyone read it? If they do read it will they care? If they care will they understand? What will you even write…

The longer I looked out the window the more I felt an urge to just close my computer and buy a journal. “I mean you love to write anyway so just write it out,” I thought to myself.  What’s the point in making your thoughts feelings and life available to the world? No one wants to read about your problems.

I mean these thoughts of mine are making a ton of sense! What will I gain from sharing snippets of my story?  A voice, a platform to help others, some sanity from all these thoughts roaming so freely? There are enough people ranting and raving about their problems on the internet, mine definitely don’t need to be there.

But who said anything about complaining? This isn’t a place to voice my problems! It’s a place to celebrate my wins! To openly express to everyone willing to read that I’m nowhere near perfect AND THAT’S OKAY. I will definitely struggle and have moments where I want to give up! The best part is you all have a front row seat to watching me push through!

I invite you to kick back with me weekly as I step out of my comfort zone into my discovery zone. Welcome to Beautiful Passionate Love (The Journey to Discovering Me).

See you soon!

(All new post will be uploaded Saturdays by 12:30 EST)

 

I am BEAUTIFUL. I am PASSIONATE. I will LOVE.

A Love Letter (Fourth)

Hey Handsome,

It seems like forever since I’ve sat down and conversed with you. Honestly, at this time, you seem like an unachievable figment of my imagination. I’ve even asked myself, multiple times, if I want to get married. I mean, be completely honest, you know I’m a handful.

Most times, I speak before I think… And, my eyes roll more than tires on an 18 wheeler going 80 miles an hour, late to its next stop. At times, I can be stubborn, thinking the world revolves around me and becoming very petty when I’m told ”no.” And this is all on a good day. So why would you choose to deal with the mess that is me? But then, I think about the man God is molding you into.

A man who will be fully graced specifically for me. A man, the Father has fully equipped to pray for me, as well as with me. A man, Abba will lead daily to ease the tension we may go through from time to time. And, a man, that will petition our Father in times of joy, sadness, and especially anger.

This week, I’ve come to realize, you are heaviest on my mind when I’m farthest from God… That’s always when I dream about you the most, as if you’re reminding me, my walking away from the Father, is also me walking away from you. And I always find my way back to Him, not for you, but because my safe place begins in His arms (I appreciate you keeping me on track already though).

So, I’m back in the Word, and something about it is so different. I find myself staying focused during virtual services, though I am eager to get back to the actual Church building. I’m taking notes and being more cognizant of applying what I learn in life. I mean, I’ve always applied the Bible to my everyday life (parts of it anyway), but now I’m being intentional.

I want to start talking to God more, but honestly it scares me. I know I have to break through this fear. A Pastor from back home said something years ago that always replays in my head: “Your voice is your spiritual address, how will God know where to send your blessings if He never hears your voice?” (Interesting thought, right?)

I don’t want to talk to God to get more blessings though, I want to become comfortable speaking with Him, to learn the purest form of love. A love so constant, it forgives one hundred times, times infinity. A love so strong, it holds on tight no matter how far away I stray. A love so genuine, it reveals my flaws and loves me through correcting them. A love so steadfast, it strengthens with every mistake I make.

A love so giving, It will one day, allow me to share just a drop with you. That drop, however, will never evaporate. It will never run dry. You will never feel second best and you will always know my love for you was molded and shaped by the one and only Jehovah Jireh, who will provide for us, endlessly, throughout our union.

Hmm, thinking about it, learning to love with the Father, actually sounds like one of the greatest blessings of all. I’m excited to share what I’ll learn with you. Until I write again, please know I’m always striving to be the best me I can.

With a never ending drop of love,

Your Future Wife

(All new journeys will be uploaded the 1st and 3rd Saturday of each month by 12:30 EST)

I am BEAUTIFUL. I am PASSIONATE. I will LOVE.

Closing the Gap

It’s been so long, since I’ve sat down and wrote what was genuinely on my heart. You know, letting you all in, without limitation, fear, or regret. Showing you, the depths of my heart, without caring if you’ll accept me or not. Honestly, a part of me wonders if I can go back to being that free. The other part wonders what happened to me…

How did I go from sharing my life lessons, to hiding in silence? From just wanting to leave a positive imprint on this world, to running from my calling… From knowing my value, to questioning the currency… From standing up for the voiceless, to becoming one of the voiceless… What happened to me…?

Beautiful. Passionate. Love. turned two on October 9th, 2020. I know, I should have at least celebrated this milestone with you all, however, why celebrate what’s dead. That’s right…I said it. She was dead to me. Full transparency, I thought about shutting the site down the same day she turned two.

You see, when I stopped exploring with you all, it wasn’t planned nor was it by choice. Hell, I don’t even think it really hit me that I had stopped until about 3 weeks after not posting. I can’t even tell you how many journeys I started but couldn’t finish. How many nights I thought about chapters of my life I should share but couldn’t find the words. So I just stopped…

If you’ve ever been passionate about anything, you know not having access to that [thing] can be traumatic. Well, to be a writer with no words is literally heart breaking. Writing is not only how I communicate, it’s how I de-stress. It’s how I come to grips with whatever the world throws at me. When I lost my words I lost my voice, so I saw no point in continuing Beautiful. Passionate. Love..

So, for months now, I’ve been silent… I’ve been fearful… I’ve been disengaged… And, I’ve been embarrassed… I’ve severed potential business opportunities because I couldn’t see past my self doubt. I’ve caused damage to friendships and family bonds because I couldn’t see my value. I stopped hanging out, and started staying in, all because I didn’t know how to write (or even scream) one word… “HELP.”

H.E.L.P. Why does this word choke me up and shut down every path of effective communication? What am I so afraid to reach out? And, what do I need help with? Pshh… I wish I had the answer to all three questions. I don’t. I wish I could just wake up tomorrow and this miserable feeling would magically be washed away. Because we all know this isn’t possible, I have to choose to push through. But, how?

Emotionally, I am hurting. Mentally, I am confused. Physically, I am living my best life. What I seek is balance. I want to say I’m doing well and genuinely mean it. I want to be able to say the issues I’ve had with my mother and father are behind me. I want to be a cycle breaker for my family…

I’ve been thinking about what I can do, to position myself to regain my stability in life. Honestly, I still don’t have the answer. I mean I’m looking into the obvious suggestions (i.e. therapy, prayer, journaling), however, I know those alone won’t work for me. A part of my healing has been this platform. Therefore, I have to find my words and continue to share openly and honestly with you all.

With that being said, I am so glad to announce we will be exploring together twice a month. At this time, I do feel Saturday’s are best. I’m thinking, the 1st and 3rd Saturday of each month! Thank you all for continuing to explore with me.

I love y’all!

(All new journeys will be uploaded the 1st and 3rd Saturday of each month by 12:30 EST)

I am BEAUTIFUL. I am PASSIONATE. I will LOVE.

A Year Already?

Hey BPL family! It’s the last week in September, which means, as of today I’ve been in Kentucky for a year!! Can you believe it? Some days I still forget I live here. Well, this journey isn’t long or extraordinary, however, it’s necessary. Sometimes, on our life journeys, we forget to point out the awesome milestones we’ve accomplished. I refuse to continue down that road. Are we ready to explore? Me too! Indulge & Enjoy.

Dear Beautiful,

Today marks a year since you’ve moved to Kentucky, and I just want to say, I’m so proud of you! I mean, a year ago today, you drove away from everything familiar to you, to embark on a journey of the unknown. What a rewarding journey it has been thus far!

You’ve learned so much more about yourself, and you continue to take risks, daily. I mean, you went from learning how to do makeup, to learning how to do your own nails, and now relearning how to do hair, all at the same time. Not only are you saving money, but you’re also exuding a self-sufficient, determined attitude that’s genuinely inspiring.

On top of keeping your peace and self-reflection at the forefront of your goals. You’ve learned to embrace your flaws and flaunt them with pride! You’ve expanded your tolerance levels, to allow others to unapologetically be themselves around you, at all times. And, you’ve allowed your light to shine brighter than ever before.

You’ve learned to stop worrying about the opinion of the masses and do what makes you happy. One quality you’ve gained, which makes me so proud, is the ability to disagree without destroying. See, you used to be so quick to destroy friendships/relationships over simple disagreements. (I believe you refer to it as your “cut off game” being strong.)

You may not see it, but you’re an encouragement to others. Okay, so your faith may not be where you feel it should be. Your self-esteem may dwindle every now and then. And, your finances may be a little thin, at times. But guess what, YOU’RE HUMAN! All of these negative attributes make you more relatable to the world.

Sometimes you forget how powerful your presence is and you distance yourself from loved ones. Stop doing that. They need your light just as much as you need theirs. When you’re not feeling social I need you to push through and love on your family and friends. Do not allow the enemy to steal your voice, again.

I could go on and on about the beautiful young woman you’re still blossoming into, however, I’ll cut it short for now. Just remember to always let your light shine. The world needs it, now more than ever. Stay authentically YOU, my love.

I love you more than words can ever express!

I am BEAUTIFUL. I am PASSIONATE. I will LOVE.

One Last Goodbye…

B.P.L. Family!! My goodness how I’ve missed you! Yes I know it’s been a little over two months. And yes, I know most of you thought our journeys were over. But, WE ARE BACK!

We’re definitely going to start off slow with more of a free form flow until I get back into the swing of things. Thank you so much for being so patient with me and know, I love and appreciate you all!

Ready to explore? Indulge and Enjoy!

I allowed you to penetrate the depths of my heart, expecting you’d know how to handle it this time. But, you didn’t. I held on to every word you said, imagining them all coming true. But, they never will. I was open… More open than I’ve ever been with anyone before because I knew you knew where I came from…

You knew the little girl that hated herself. You knew the childish teen that used her body to feel a love she could never find. You knew the young woman that would give anything in that world to be beautiful. An, yet, you loved her. You loved her through her pain and you pushed her to genuinely love herself. So, I just wanted to show you the love you once showed me.

Allow me to caress that pain, lying beneath the smile you wear daily, pretending everything’s just fine. Let me wash away the feeling of doubt, written in the wrinkles of your forehead, you think no one sees. Allow me to serenade you with stories and fantasies of a life together, as you drift into a deep slumber. Relax baby boy, I’ve got you.

You want me to wait? I’ll wait for you. I’ve been waiting for yo-… Hold on… Wait, why the hell didn’t you wait for me? You could have waited. Love… True love… Would have waited for us to actually finish before moving on. Before getting married. But now, four months before your two year wedding anniversary you want to tell me you’re still in love with me.

Yeah yeah yeah. You waited to tell me because the timing wasn’t right. But what’s so right about this timing? NOT A DAMN THING! But, it’s you and I’m the new me so let me allow you a moment to explain yourself. Go ahead, I’m listening… Right, now you don’t know what to say. Well, I’ll help you get started.

Start with the fact that you’re still the young man I fell in love with all those years ago. Having virtual relationships and promising women stuff you know you don’t plan to give them. You see, what family and friends didn’t know was, when we were together you did that dumb shit to me. I remember the messages in your phone. I remember crying because you just didn’t “know what to say.” So we stayed together…

Here’s something you can say… Tell me about your brokenness. Tell me that you’re so broken you don’t know where to start unpacking. Talk about how you pour all of your time and energy into fixing someone else because you’re afraid to heal yourself. That’s the key as to why you’re not “happy” in your marriage.

I’m so happy, conversation was all I was able to provide you in your time of unhappiness. I’m so happy, I’ve grown from being the Side Chick, I was once so very comfortable being. I’m so happy, for the reality check I so desperately needed to break me from the fantasy land I resided in, with you.

I’m so happy…

I’m so happy…

I’m so so happy…

I bet you’re wondering why I’m so happy, huh? Well, I’m happy to finally close the door on the last piece of my past that was haunting me. I’m happy, my heart is still pure and as genuine as before we met. I’m happy, I learned to love myself like no other will ever be able to. And, finally I’m so happy to know you never genuinely loved me. Now, I can stop comparing every man that has interest in me to a young love that simply never used to be.

And no, this time around, we cannot be friends.

God Bless & Goodbye…

I am BEAUTIFUL. I am PASSIONATE. I will LOVE.

What if I was Whi…

Hey family. I pray you are all in good spirits, despite the obstacles we are taking head-on, world wide. No real intro this week, I just want to let you know we will be changing our journey schedule. To ensure I am not choosing quantity over quality, we will be dropping down to 1-2 lengthier journeys a month. With that being said please don’t hesitate to reach out and let me know if there’s a topic you’d like to explore! (email:beautifulpassionatelove@gmail.com)

Oh, we also will be moving away from Saturdays for a more free-flowing exploration experience. Well, that’s all for me and my announcements! Let’s explore! Indulge & Enjoy!

Sitting here, during the pandemic that has the world in an uproar, watching protesters beg for justice for Breonna Taylor— a woman shot and killed in a “no-knock” botched search warrant. As the live stream broadcast, to anyone on Facebook that wishes to view it, the comments start pouring in.

“Way to make it about race, ALL LIVES MATTER,” a woman of the un-melanited ethnicity chose to write. All of me wanted to reply to her comment, begging her to get a grip of reality and realize what’s going on around her, but I don’t. Instead, my mind wanders…

I begin to think of a world where “they” were “us” and “we” were “them.” I begin to wonder what life would be like to not secrete the melanin that drips from my pours, reminding the white world I live in that I’m just another useless black “girl.” “Damn,” I think to myself, ”At 28 years of age, they don’t even see us as men and women, they still see us as “boy” and “girl…”

My thoughts are interrupted by another commenter, also not black, sharing his unsolicited opinion. “This is a violent protest,” he states, “The police need to do their job and ‘end this’.” My blood boils as my mind wanders to all the peaceful protests my brothers, sisters, and ancestors partook in. YOU SAID THE SAME EXACT THING THEN TOO.

My mind reverts back to the scenario… What if I was white? What would it feel like to ALWAYS be bothered by “you people?” To be walking down the street, on a hot summer day, and see a young black girl selling water to pedestrians, and call the police because she doesn’t have a permit. To be so bothered, by a young black man jogging, in my neighborhood, I get in the car with a relative and hunt him down and kill him, in broad daylight, because he ”fits the description.” Or, to feel so overwhelmingly bothered by the loud playing of urban music, at a gas station, that I approach and fire into the car, killing a young black man, because they wouldn’t turn it down.

Not aware of these scenarios? Jordan Austin, was 8 years old when the police were called on her for selling water… Ahmaud Arbery, was 25 when he was hunted down and murdered for jogging in the “wrong” neighborhood… Jordan Davis, he was 17, when he was murdered for listening to music… Trayvon Martin, 17-years-old… Sandra Bland, 28-years-old… Eric Gardner, 43-years-of-age… Breonna Taylor, 26-years-old… George Floyd, 46-years-old… What’s sad, is this list doesn’t even scratch the surface of injustice constantly repeated against the black community….

So, I ask myself again, “What if I was white?” I ponder a world where I have pale skin, bone straight hair, maybe even a couple freckles… I focus on how safe I’d feel when I leave the house, with no fear of not making it back home. I focus on the security I’d have, knowing it’s highly unlikely I’ll be seen as the aggressor in a confrontation. I wonder how it would feel to not fully understand injustice, therefore wipe it under the rug.

I wonder… I wonder… I wonder… And, after my wondering turns into frustration due to the inequality being ignored daily, I, PROUDLY, remind myself that I am BLACK! I rub my fingers through my 4c kinky hair and smile as they get stuck in the coils. I look at my thick lips, wide nose, caramel-colored skin, and I tell myself, “Your black is beautiful!” (And, so is yours!)

My black is UNIQUE! My black is MAGICAL! My black is STRONG! My black is COURAGEOUS! My black is UNAPOLOGETIC! My black is PERFECT! My black is also hated, feared, misunderstood, and unwanted. Yet, people wonder why we turn our cameras on as soon as we see lights flashing behind us. Because we never know if our skin complexion will be just enough to provoke probable cause.

Pull us out the car, and cuff us while yelling stop resisting, though we haven’t resisted at all. Call in our information and search our car only to find out we’re clean. Everything’s in order! Yet, a simple traffic stop still turns into an arrest (don’t forget the beating and possible death). Why? Because we’re still viewed as thugs… criminals… niggers… Now, they’re reading us our rights…

But when they read, “You have the right to remain silent…” we never thought they meant literally…

BLACK LIVES MATTER!

I am BEAUTIFUL. I am PASSIONATE. I will LOVE.

Twenty-Eight

Hey family!!! I’m sure you’ve noticed today isn’t Saturday. I wanted to journey with you all today, however, because I’m closing out another chapter on my life. That’s right! IT’S MY BIRTHDAY!!! Today I turn 28… I know I can’t believe it either… While reflecting on the last year, I think about my greatest accomplishments and my greatest failures. Hope you’re ready! Indulge & Enjoy!

Man, God had truly blessed me over the last year. Whether it be moving from one state to another, or simply waking me up to see another day, He has never lifted His hand from my life, and I am eternally grateful. I mean, name anyone in this world who would continue to love and support you, regardless of the times you’ve turned your back on them. You can’t! And, that’s why, though my relationship with God isn’t as strong as I desire, He will always be the author of my story and the navigation on all journeys of my life.

Now, during this 27th year of life, I can’t say I’ve accomplished everything I set out to, however, I’ve taken rather large leaps of faith, and the Father has been there to catch me every time I’ve fallen. What more could I ask for?

For me, the age of 28 signifies two different attributes of my personality that usually lay dormant in the background, FEARLESSNESS & BOLDNESS. For the last few days, I’ve felt the word fearlessness heavy in my spirit. And, I feel, this year it’s important for me to address it head-on!

Now, some of you, who know me personally are probably thinking… “ She picked up and moved to a whole new state last year. How is she not fearless?” And, your right, I did and that showed a level of fearlessness I want throughout my life!

This also leads me to the second part of my personality, boldness. I’ve always lacked the boldness that I’ve desired. Even in school, when answering a question, I would know my answer was correct, but still, say it in the form of a question because I was unsure. Not anymore!!!

I will be bold in my actions, words, thoughts, and feelings. And, if mistakes are made, I will be bold in accepting ownership and correcting my mistakes. No longer will I be the meek person waiting to be approached for an opportunity. I will show my interest in whatever is presented! And, if I’m not chosen I WILL CREATE MY OWN OPPORTUNITIES!

With all this being said, I really want to welcome you all into Chapter 28 of my life! I’m blessed to see this day and so grateful to share it with you all! I pray you join me on my journey of fearlessness and boldness as we encourage one another to be their true authentic self!

This will take the place of our journey for Saturday May 30th. I will see you all on June 6th!

Love yall!

And, Happy Birthday to Me!!!

(All new journeys will be uploaded Saturdays by 12:30 EST)

I am BEAUTIFUL. I am PASSIONATE. I will LOVE.

May’s Look of the Month

Hey, y’all!!! May is winding down super fast! What are you all doing for Memorial Day? We missed our Look of the Month, because of our Mother’s Day journey. So, I wanted to double back and have a beauty journey! Well, here it is! Indulge & Enjoy!

This is a very simple natural look. I actually wore this look to the interview for my current position. After my interview, it quickly became my go-to natural look!

I pray you enjoy this look as much as I do! Can’t wait to explore with you all soon!

(All new journeys will be uploaded Saturdays by 12:30 EST)

I am BEAUTIFUL. I am PASSIONATE. I will LOVE.

It Takes Two…

Welcome to this month’s faith journey. Yes, I am a Christian, however, despite the walk of faith you’re on, I pray you to explore with me today and receive a little clarity about some of the spiritual roadblocks you may be facing, in the present moment. Ready? Me too! Indulge and Enjoy!

Communication:

— The imparting or exchanging of information or news.

— A letter or message containing information or news.

— The successful conveying or sharing of ideas and feelings.

(Definitions brought to you by our good friend Google!)

Communication can be difficult, at times. Especially when one party doesn’t exactly know how to communicate effectively. I mean, it should be simple right? One party (Party A) shares their feelings, concerns, thoughts, and opinions, all while the other party (Party B) listens. Then, only after effectively listening, Party B responds, sharing their feelings, concerns, thoughts, and opinions, while party A listens effectively.

Notice any keywords there? Right, EFFECTIVELY. Do we all know what “effectively” means? Well, let’s check back in with our good friend, Google, just to make sure!

Effectively:

— In such a manner as to achieve a desired result.

So basically, if I (Party A), enter a dialogue of communication, with Party B, with no desire to understand or actually hear what they have to say, my intentions in which I will be effective are now partial, and really of no value to this transaction. Makes sense? I hope so. Keep this foundation, we’ve created, in the front of your mind as we continue on this journey.

Here we go again… Me sitting here, telling You how much I’m trying to get it right… Telling You, it’s not my fault, I missed a Church service (even though it‘s live-streamed and I don’t have to leave my bed). Defending my poor choices by telling You, “internet church” doesn’t work for me.

Hello!? Are You listening? So, You’re just not going to say anything? Okay cool. Look, I know I’m not the perfect daughter but I try. Thank You for never giving up on me. Your continued Grace and Mercy are very much appreciated.

So, I know I haven’t 100% followed through on everything you told me to do, but I need your help. See, I’m struggling mentally and emotionally, with problems that aren’t even my own, but I need You to help me carry this weight load.

Oh, by the way, I miss intimacy. I miss talking to someone on an intellectual level and sharing my inner thoughts with them. So, I was thinking about reaching out to one of my exes. Now, I know this isn’t going to help with the emotional baggage I still haven’t worked through but honestly, I’m bored…

Anyways Father, it’s been great talking with You tonight. We’ll definitely have to chat again soon. I love you! Amen!

Okay, so how did reading that feel? Pretty one-sided right? Now, by the Grace of God, this isn’t a sample of my direct communication between me and the Father, however, I cannot begin to tell you how many conversations I’ve had with Him, without ever giving Him a chance to speak.

Sometimes, when I try to communicate with the Father, I forget to let my guard down. This lays a huge role in being effective with my words. I have various communication channels with Him (singing, journaling, verbally praying, meditating, reading my word, worshiping, and so many others), but my channels don’t matter if I’m not open to being receptive!

Listen, communication is a two-way street. It doesn’t matter who you’re trying to communicate with, you have to be ready and able to communicate effectively. With the Father, effective communication is crucial! He wants to speak to us just as much as He listens to us. It takes time and patience to hear what He is asking of you. Moving too fast may cause you to miss the very step leading to your next blessing or deliverance.

That’s all. Continue to be blessed!

(All new journeys will be uploaded Saturdays by 12:30 EST)

I am BEAUTIFUL. I am PASSIONATE. I will LOVE.

Momma

What’s up y’all! I know it’s supposed to be beauty week, you know, when I show y’all the look of the month, but I figured we’d switch it up a little. I mean it is Mother’s Day weekend, of course, and what’s more beautiful than a bond between a mother and daughter? So, this week is dedicated to my beautiful mother! Well, let’s explore. Indulge and Enjoy!

Dear Momma,

Every year, I try to think of creative ways to show my love and appreciation for you, on this day. This year, I figured why not share it with the world! As you journey with me today, I want you to know I am me because of you. My best attributes are a reflection of you and though we’ve seen some of the toughest times, the one thing I would never change is you!

Our relationship has literally been a roller-coaster ride. We’ve yelled, we’ve cried, we’ve even given each other the silent treatment. Now, we call each other at midnight, nothing’s wrong, we just want to watch TV together. As a child, I would beg you to leave me alone. Now, I blow your phone up if you don’t answer within, what I consider, a reasonable time. It’s crazy how time will mend a relationship. As our coaster balances out, I’m so glad we chose to ride together.

Your light shines brightly within me. It’s amazing to hear people tell me I light up a room because I’ve watched you do it my entire life. From your charming personality to your glowing smile, you’ve always been a magnet in this crazy world. The moments I found embarrassing growing up, are now the same ones I compare to my own actions and joke with you about (remember whippin’ and naenaein’ all through Sam’s Club, lol).

I know you’re a pretty private person, so I won’t put too much of your business on here. I just want you to know you’re all I could ever ask for in a mother. I thank you for all you’ve done and continue to do for me. You’re human and of course, you make mistakes. I just want you to know I appreciate those as well. You are one of the most caring, compassionate, loving individuals I’ve ever met. And, I pray I inherited those characteristics also. Though things aren’t perfect at this very moment, I want you to know I love and appreciate you beyond belief, and with us at each other’s side, we’re gonna be alright.

I can guarantee I’ll be talking to you within the next hour, however, always remember, “Loud cars need gas too!”

Happy Mother’s Day!

(All new journeys will be uploaded Saturdays by 12:30 EST)

I am BEAUTIFUL. I am PASSIONATE. I will LOVE.

Christians Struggle Too (Continued)

Hey Family! How are we feeling? Not exploring with you all for two weeks felt like forever!! It’s May! And we’re back on schedule! This week is creative writing, of course, so let’s dive back into Christians Struggle Too. Indulge and Enjoy!

The final paragraph of our first journey into Christians Struggle Too

Lifting my head, to now make eye contact with her, as if I wanted her to see the sadness in my heart I erase every assumption she’s making of me. “I guess you could say that but, the truth is I’ve never felt further away from him then I do now…”

We stare at each other as silence fills the room. I can see her racking her brain, trying to think of the next invasive question she’ll ask. As she strategically maps out her questionnaire, I began to get lost in my own thoughts. “How did I get here,” I ask myself, reminiscing about the events that led up to today’s visit…

“Girl, just make a profile,” my best friend yells, overly excited for me to get back on the dating scene. “I made one, and met my boo within a week,” she bragged, “Plus, you’ve been single for too long, it’s time for you to meet someone.”

~

I don’t know why I was so nervous about making this profile. Maybe it’s because it brought back old memories of the chat lines back in the day. You know, call a number and talk to a person for hours, then exchange information and meet up whenever y’all felt the time was right…

Yeah, it felt exactly like that only this time online. Trust me, despite my age, I’m entirely too familiar with chat line hook-ups. I mean, my friends and I couldn’t wait for our parents to go to sleep, work, or sneak off with their boyfriends (they thought we didn’t know about).

We would grab our house phone, dial in, and create sexy aliases, using soft seductive voices, to intrigue men sometimes 10 years older than us… That’s a story for another day though. Back to this crap fest…

~

She’s right, I had been single for almost a year and a half. It didn’t bother me too much, but maybe that’s because I kept sneaking around with my ex. Maybe I really should move on. And, my generation is known for getting over one, by hopping on the other!! So, online dating, here I come!

We sift through the thousands of pictures I have saved to my phone and pick 3-4 of them, we felt accentuates my best assets. We write a quick blurb, that really says nothing about who I am, and then we start swiping (left for no and right for yes)! Within 10 minutes messages began pouring in…

Between men sending me very explicit pictures, to others telling me they felt I was the “one” for them, I definitely began to feel overwhelmed. Needless to say, when one guy simply wrote, “Hey beautiful, hows your day going,” he 100% had my attention.

After talking for maybe, 3 hours or so. He had my address and was on his way to my house to “chill” (dangerous, I know). Of course “chilling,” no Netflix, turned into sex, very quickly, and not long after that he was gone…

Did we use protection? Well, I’m sitting in a clinic sharing this story with you, so go ahead and answer that question for yourself. Expecting not to hear from him again, I went back to the app just to casually converse with anyone willing.

After a few days, he messaged me asking if I wanted to “get up,” of course I agreed. Before I knew it, he and I were meeting up almost every night, having sex and going our separate ways in the darkness of the early morning. Honestly, I was completely okay with this. It’s not like I actually found him attractive… let’s just say he had a “big ego,” as Beyoncé so gracefully sang it!

~

“So, let’s say you are pregnant… Do you know who the child’s father is,” her question snaps me back to reality… “Yes,” I spewed at her, offended she’d even think to ask such a question. I mean, who does she think I am? I’m definitely not the type to sleep around. Wait… I mean, I know who he is… I just… don’t know his name.

My heart sinks to my stomach realizing how dangerous and carefree I’ve been. How could I’ve slept with a man whose name I don’t even know? What do I know about him? Damn, I really only know his age, (34) and I don’t even know if that’s true. Okay, kids… I know he mentioned his kids before. Two, I think he said he has two, a boy and a girl. Or maybe he said three…

Oh God, I definitely don‘t want to be a baby mama. So many thoughts run through my head as the nurse continues rambling about the “joys” of starting a family. As nothing she says registers in my brain, my thoughts begin to quiet down.

“God, I don’t know if You can hear me, but please help me. I know I’m the worst when it comes to communication, and I promise You I’m working on being better, but I don’t want to be pregnant by this man. I know this isn’t what you have in store for my life… Please, don’t let me be pregnant…”

(All new journeys will be uploaded Saturdays by 12:30 EST)

I am BEAUTIFUL. I am PASSIONATE. I will LOVE.