About a year ago, or even 3 months ago if you asked me “Who are you?” I would have CONFIDENTLY spit out a brief blurb that probably sounds very similar to my Myspace profile’s “about me” section…
“My name is Alyshia-Mae, I’m 26, birthday is May 27th. Single no children. I have 3 brothers on my Mom’s side and 7 siblings on my Dad’s(have yet to meet 6 of them), Favorite color is blue, I have an Associates and Bachelors Degree, VERY Independent and SECURE in who I am…”
That is usually more than enough to progress the conversation to the next level. Take a wild guess at what that is… Exactly! “What do you like to do?” I’ve always hated this question because I never really knew how to answer it. My hands would start sweating while my mind ran a 50 miles a minute trying to connect the dots. I imagine my mind working very similar to the Spongebob Squarepants episode when “they” (the little people in his head) throughout his name, take a look. (Click hyperlink–ITS OKAY TO LAUGH)
After my brain stops throbbing, from agonizing amounts of confusion, I usually come up with several activities I know I’m half decent at and string them together, “Well, I like to sing, write poetry, read, go on trips, and take long walks through the park.” Sounds good even slightly romantic right!?
WRONG!!! All the while I’m explaining what I “enjoy doing,” the truth is I haven’t done most of those things in YEARS. When I really sit down and think about it, I have no idea what I enjoy. See, I’ve always been the type of person to go with the flow, for the most part. I mean, growing up the only girl of four, my ideas were a definite no go! By about six, my mom gave up on asking what I wanted to do because she became tired of the boys teasing me about being too “girly,” whatever that means.
What my Mom, brothers and even myself couldn’t see is that every time my thoughts and opinions were skipped over, internally they registered as not good enough. Since they weren’t good enough, I started keeping them to myself. Naturally, as I mature and became older I continued “going with the flow.”
Yeah, you’re right! I hear exactly what you’re saying, “There’s nothing wrong with going with the flow.” I agree with you, AS LONG AS THAT FLOW IS YOUR OWN FLOW. With me, I never created my own flow. I did what everyone around me wanted to do. Even with my friends, whom I love dearly, I rarely give my opinion on what we should do or where we should go, out of fear that someone will override my idea.
No, my friend’s aren’t jerks, in all honesty, they’re finding out how I feel at the same time you are. When they ask what I want to do or where I want to eat and I always reply, ” You know how indecisive I am… How about you pick,” and even if I don’t want to do what they choose, I do it.
So, a week ago I woke up and deep in my soul, there was a question burning to be answered… WHO AM I? My initial response was “too old to be being asked this question,” but then I really thought about it. In high school, I remember writing a poem, for a creative writing class, “I am the sorrow, the sadness, the darkness, the pain that cannot be replaced…” (I know, I know, I’ve always been deep.) The title of that poem is “I AM,” so that has to be who I am, right? I mean I did write it.
But, I smile way too much that bound by as much sorrow, sadness, darkness, and pain the poem describes. So, who am I? Hmmm, honestly I still can’t quite put my finger on it. What I can share are some of the small revelations I’ve had thus far!
- I am a writer! (Hence this blog)
- I sing Soprano! (Yes, I’m on the praise and worship team)
- My favorite color is ORANGE! (Thought it was blue for 26 years and 4 months)
Thank you, for taking a minute to relax and embark this journey with me! See you next Saturday!
(All new post will be uploaded Saturdays by 12:30 EST)
I am BEAUTIFUL. I am PASSIONATE. I will LOVE.