~Hey Family! Notice anything different? This week has been a beautiful mess! While writing this post, I questioned how ready I was to share this stage of my journey. The final decision was to share because anyone embarking on this journey with me deserves transparency and truth. I honestly pray you CAN’T relate and learn from my mistakes.
Before we dive in, I promised you all a therapy update! Even though there’s not much to share, I want to keep my promise. It was a really comforting first session. Definitely informative, we talked about a little of everything. I’m not going to say I left feeling awesome because I didn’t. When I left, I was in deep reflection of my past. I guess that’s where this blog stems from… Indulge and enjoy!~
The hardest part of this journey is admitting how much destruction I’ve caused people around me. I’m being forced to reflect on circumstances that I’ve become numb to. Acknowledging that I was a horrible friend. Take ownership of my actions and how it changed the position I held in their lives. Allowing them to tell THEIR TRUTHS without taking offense. Asking for forgiveness with no expectation of receiving it. And, allowing them the time they need to reflect and decide they are willing to allow me access to their lives again.
I’m being forced to humble myself and put my ego aside. I can’t approach the conversations in defense mode. I have to be silent and really hear how I hurt some of my closest friends, my best friends even. Realizing that even if they choose to forgive me, they may never allow me to be as close as I once was.
Keeping it real, I was blessed with some amazing friends! Like my best female friend, I mean at this point she’s my sister, but she has been to hell and back with me. Granted throughout the time we’ve been in each other’s lives (10+ years) we’ve had some amazing times! We were each other’s support systems. Because of the points we were in our personal lives, we supported each other in different ways. I was her physical support (like helping with my niece), but she supported me emotionally.
Emotional support sounds easy, right? WRONG! She had to deal with my raw emotion, which isn’t pretty at all, trust me. She was the call that was made 2 seconds after my heart was broken, or in the midst of making a dumb decision. My voice of reason. But, what happens when you’re too broken to accept words of wisdom. You run…
Her life became my personal revolving door, popping in and out when convenient. No matter how many times I disappeared she was always there with open arms to deal with my next crisis. Sometimes, I ran because I didn’t know how to sit and listen when she needed me, other times I ran because I knew she was telling me the right thing to do.
The last time I walked away was in early 2017. When I came back, late December 2017, I found out I have a nephew! I was shocked, confused, heartbroken even. I couldn’t believe it had been that long, but I had missed 9+ months. She welcomed me back but it took us a long time to “get close” again. We had a lot of generic conversations in the beginning. And, I know she would deny it however, I believe my inconsistency is a part of the reason why I didn’t meet my nephew (in person) until just a few days ago. I honestly can’t blame her though.
Though I’m so thankful she accepted me back into her life, everyone isn’t that easy to forgive. If they do forgive, they aren’t that quick to move forward. I met my female best friend through her brother, my male best friend. We connected my freshman year of high school. He knew everything there was to know about me. Literally the ONLY guy my mom would let me hang out with.
Our friendship took a lot of twist and turns, we always bounced back though. Well, when I move to Georgia, we’ll talk about this soon, I was so damaged that I allowed what I knew to be altered. Our entire friendship became blurry. I allowed my male best friend to be portrayed as my enemy. Instead of standing firmly in the facts, I built up anger, hate, and rage for someone I once loved. That caused me 4 years and counting of friendship with him. I finally reached out to him and we talked for about 2 hours.
The end result being he forgives me but doesn’t know if he wants me in his life. He’s unsure if mending the past is worth it at this point. For me, I understand why he’s so hesitant, I just want him to be able to enjoy my healthiness the way he had to deal with my pain. Did I tell him that? Of course, however, he is a strong-minded person and there is nothing I can say or do to sway his thoughts. I have accepted that there is nothing further I can do and, I can’t make the decision for him. I will respect whatever decision he chooses.
To think about all the lives impacted by my insecurities is overwhelming at times. I wish I could sit down and genuinely apologize to each and every one of them. I understand and accept that I could only offer them who I was in that moment. It just saddens me to know that all I could offer was brokenness…
You know what to do from here! Feel free to ask questions and/or leave feedback in the comments section. Don’t forget to like us on Facebook!
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I am BEAUTIFUL. I am PASSIONATE. I will LOVE.
9 thoughts on “Mending the Past”
Thank you. I am happy to see your writing. It gives me a thoughtful thinking and am happy for that. That is always my intention to see a post that gives me happiness.
Am happy to share at least a part of that happiness and love here as am writing now.
What you said in your post is true, sometimes just a drop of that magical post in your blog is enough to get a person to be happy.
Well, If I wish to be happy is inevitable to keep the vibes flowing.
Peace ✌and Love ❤
I’m so sorry I’m just now seeing your comment! Thank you so much for reading. I’m glad to hear my journey is invoking you to think and happiness. I appreciate you journeying with me! See you soon!
You are welcome dear friend. My pleasure to meet you Miss/Mrs Alyshia Mae
Peace ✌and Love ❤
Thanks also for reading and commenting here.
Some questions put to you here where not answered.
I will like you to share your opinion on it.
My question for my fellow bloggers/viewers/readers:
1. What’s your opinion and contributions on this post/poem?
2. What are the things your mother have done that are worthy of appreciation?
3.What are your advice to young women/mothers in the outside world?
Please let me know all your reactions, views and insights in the comment box below!
You are welcome Mrs/Miss Alyshia-Mae
Peace ✌and Love ❤
Thanks for accepting and following my blog.
I’m available to read your post at my convenient time.
You have such an interesting topic I will love to read in
I still remain the simple twitter friend
Peace ✌and Love ❤
At this point it would be ludicrous of me to welcome you to my journey seeing as you’ve been journeying with me for months now!! Thank you so much for all of your support!
Thanks for the good compliment.
That is just my simple way.
Great post! 😍
I have nominated you for the Sunshine Blogger Award☀💛 can’t wait to read your answers! Do check it out: https://asfaaftabwrites.wordpress.com/sunshine-blogger-award/ 🌸
Thanks Beautiful!! Look out for the answers tomorrow!