Breaking Free- Part 1

~What’s up Beautiful Family!! I pray this week was a struggle… I pray you felt pressure. No, this isn’t me being mean, pressure is how diamonds are made! The next couple of weeks are going to be slightly different from previous posts, however, it’s much needed and I’m sure you’ll still be able to enjoy them! Are you ready to explore together? Me too! Let’s dive in. Indulge & Enjoy!!~

They told me you would protect me… you didn’t. They told me you would support me… you never have. They told me you would always love me… I’m confident, you hate me. The world painted you to be my hero, but a monster is all I see.

Sometimes I lie awake at night, wondering if you realize all you took from me… Did you actually know what you were doing? Were you aware that your actions would cause me to fear the unseen? You’ll never understand how it feels to fear love, REAL LOVE… Not the “what can you do for me” type of love you forced on me…

The darkness in you follows me daily… I struggle with my unknown destiny because I don’t feel worthy. I’ve never felt worthy… You are the mastermind that still controls my vulnerabilities. I hate that I’ve yet to experience fully loving myself. I hate that when I’m too low, it’s difficult to look in the mirror and face the little girl crying out to be rescued…

Sometimes, I get so frustrated when people tell me how mature I am for my age. They don’t know why I matured so quickly. I hate that my maturity is based on my life experiences and I hate that you’re one of my earliest life experiences…

What caused you to think of me as a sexual conquest instead of the little girl I was? You weren’t that much older than me, so what happen to you that caused you to use me? Use me… Wow… today’s the first day I actually accepted your actions as what they are…

YOU USED ME… I was your experiment… I was your project… I was your way of learning the female body… But I was only 5… FIVE!!! I never had a chance to show my innocence… I never had the opportunity to experience love without my body being the main attraction. But how can a 5-year-old be stripped of their innocence?

Who hurt you? What did they do? How many times did it happen? Were you forced to keep quiet too? Did they force themselves inside of you just to see “what it was like?” Did you beg for them to stop? Do you still think about it?

Does your soul plead with your heart to forgive them? Do you look in the mirror,at times, and see them standing behind you? In the shower, do you feel their hands all over you as you attempt, for the trillionth time, to scrub yourself clean? Are you afraid to sleep alone? I am.

Some nights, I can feel you lying right next to me. Watching me, making sure I keep “our little secrets…” Other nights, you’re not there when I fall asleep, but then, in the middle of the night, I feel you creating yet another secret for me to keep… As I squirm and whence to break free of your grip, I look around and there’s no one in the room but me…

You created a cycle in my life. You forced sex on me. You forced me into a world I knew nothing about… and then when you became tired or bored, you moved on with your life. I was so thankful you didn’t want me anymore…

I didn’t know someone had been watching you though. Studying every action. Being groomed into the monster they admired day and night. When you were done with me they had learned just enough to take your place…

Monsters number TWO, THREE, and FOUR were even worse to face…

I want you to know, I forgive you. Though it’s crazy, I have nothing but love in my heart for you. Despite all that you’ve done to me I want nothing but the best for you. I pray blessings over you and I pray you’re at peace with the choices you’ve made in life. Honestly, most of the time, I pray for your future children and wife…

Today you’ve lost control of me, I will no longer live in fear. I will no longer wonder why… And I will no longer shed these tears. I know I have a destiny, and the space in my mind you’re residing in, RENT FREE, is needed for me to grow. My past does not define me and neither do your actions…

I forgive you… I FORGIVE YOU! My FREEDOM depends on it. You’ve kept me bound for entirely too long.

STAY BLESSED…

Some of you won’t understand the importance of what transpired today, and for that, I feel sorry for you. Most of you will question me loving someone I “claim” hurt me so bad, and for you, I pray grace and forgiveness enter your life like never before. The rest of you will try to pinpoint who I’m talking about, and to you I ask why does it matter? I know you’ve all heard this before, but it’s definitely worth hearing again…

FORGIVENESS ISN’T ABOUT THE WRONG DOER… IT’S ABOUT YOU

As always, feel free to ask questions and/or leave feedback in the comments section.

(All new post will be uploaded Saturdays by 12:30 EST)

I am BEAUTIFUL. I am PASSIONATE. I will LOVE.

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