Breaking Free-Part 2

~Hey Hey!!! I pray this week made you think twice about the events of your past you constantly wish had never happened… EVERYTHING in your past is what makes you the beautiful person you are today! Ready to journey deeper into Breaking Free? Indulge and Enjoy!~

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How did you do it? How did you convince my Mom that you were a good guy? How did you pull the wool over my Grandma’s eyes? How did my Aunts and Uncles think you were all about family? How did you persuade me you were a father figure?

They were too accepting… They got too comfortable… They were too wrapped up in whatever life was throwing at them. They couldn’t see the evil in you… They didn’t want to see it…

I was too insecure… I was too naive… I was too young… I was extremely damaged… But I knew something wasn’t right… I was just too desperate… Too desperate to feel the love of a Father… Too desperate to feel wanted unconditionally… Yet there were so many conditions…

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You taught me the “L” word… No, not Love, Lust… You masked it by saying “I love you” though… You preyed on my youth… You twisted my thoughts to believe love meant access… Honestly, I still get the two confused from time to time… I mean, after all, teaching a 5th grader her body is the only asset she has can create muddy thoughts.

You built trust, with me, by portraying a Father figure. When my Mom said “No,” you said “Yes.” When I cried, you wiped my tears. When I was tired of wearing baggy clothes, you purchased me clothes that made me feel girly (really they just accentuated my body). I mean you brought me my first prepaid cell phone! Under one condition… “When I call, you better answer…”

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Baby Girl… Baby Girl… Baby Girl… My goodness, I hate being called that. I mean, it’s kind of sad because all I ever wanted was to be my Father’s baby girl. But, to this day, I cringe when anyone uses that phrase towards me.

Answer me this, why were you so obsessed with me? Grooming me was taking too long, huh? So, you found a girlfriend. Why did she have to have the same name as me (just spelled differently)? Why was she almost the same complexion as me? Why did you stare at me while talking to her? And, why did you call her baby girl?

Why were you so bold? It was almost as if the thrill of someone seeing what you were doing to me, made it more exciting for you. I can still remember the little things like how my seat in the car had to be next to you. Or, the time you pinned me against the wall, in the kitchen, and literally touched every part of my body while forcing me to kiss you. There was always someone around, just never close enough to save me.

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How did I allow you to convince me to run away from home? I mean after all you had already done to me, why did I still trust you? Why did I think you had my best interest at heart? Why did I still think you could love me as a daughter?

But I did it… I packed my favorite outfits, called you (as planned) and waited for my “friend” to pick me up… only he never came. I remember you going on and on about how you should just buy bus tickets for us so that we’d be together… That’s when it clicked. You were never going to be the father I was searching for…

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My plan was to make it through the night, talk to some of my friends, and see if their parents would let me stay with them. So, you offered to let me sleep in your room… Never did you mention you’d be in the bed too…

You stole my ability to trust… You stole my ability to love… For many years, you even stole my ability to desire my father’s presence in my life… You, Monster 3, planted a fear so deeply rooted in me, I’m afraid I’ll never fully break free…

Thank you…

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I know several readers are confused, maybe even frustrated that I say “thank you” at the end of this post. (Shoulder Shrug) I can’t change how you feel. What I can say is remember what I said at the beginning of this post…

EVERYTHING in your past is what makes you the BEAUTIFUL person you are today!

So yes, I thanked him. I thanked him because day by day, I am becoming more and more in love with the BEAUTIFUL WOMAN that is me. I thanked him because this chapter of my life is still teaching me how to FIGHT. I thanked him because his cowardly, perverted acts played a part in creating the STRONG MINDED person you all are getting to know and love. But, most importantly, if this post ever finds it’s way to him, I need him to read it and know his devilish actions didn’t steal my JOY!

Though the events are unfortunate, they happen. Not only did they happen, but they also made me STRONGER!

Love Y’all.

As always, feel free to ask questions and/or leave feedback in the comments section.

(All new post will be uploaded Saturdays by 12:30 EST)

I am BEAUTIFUL. I am PASSIONATE. I will LOVE.