~Hey Hey! How are y’all feeling? I pray this week gave you time to reflect on your past just a little. It sure did for me! I want to journey back to my past, for a moment. I’m sure this title has some of you judging me, already. I’m not surprised, though. What I will say is, to anyone who may unfollow Beautiful. Passionate. Love. after reading this… I’m praying for you! Ready to explore? Perfect! Indulge & Enjoy!~
I take pleasure in being your late-night desire… The one on your mind, while you’re lying next to her. The one you text, when everything else in your life is going wrong. The one who receives, “Good Morning Beautiful,” as soon as you make it to your car.
Actually, that was our, “coast is clear” message. Do you remember? How I knew I could call and text, as much as I wanted, without worrying about getting caught. Send as many provocative pictures as I felt like, without you having to run to the bathroom.
Come on… don’t act like it didn’t happen! You couldn’t wait for Monday’s to come, and you dreaded Fridays… Two days with little to no communication with me drove you insane. I mean, you would literally sneak away in the middle of the night just to lay up under me, and I was always down. As long as you remembered to make it home on time come morning.
You hated, I wouldn’t fight for you. You couldn’t understand why I was so comfortable with you going home to her. You wanted the drama, the emotion. You wanted me to show you passion, more than just in the bedroom. You wanted me to actually want you, even though you didn’t want me. That, I just couldn’t give you…
Judgement… Judgement… Judgement! I literally feel y’all thoughts right now. Honestly, I’m feeling a little defensive… Like, I’m supposed to list all the reasons I’m still a good person. Say things like, “I’m not a homewrecker,” and justify it by saying “I never wanted him to leave her.”
Well, guess what… I’m not going to say any of that! So, if you feel some type of way FEEL IT!! This platform is all about transparency! And, I know, there are other women, men even, who are dealing with or have dealt with this before. Therefore, WE’RE GOING TO TALK ABOUT IT!
Full transparency… Yes, I’ve played the role of a Side Chick. Honestly, I’ve done it too many times in my 27 years of living. Am I proud of it? Not at all. Do I regret it? I regret being the reason another woman is hurt, or feels insecure in her relationship. However, I do not, any longer, regret my actions. (Before anyone comes at me about this statement, please, go back and read Regret, Why?).
At the time, I was content and confident playing this role, I genuinely felt this was my purpose in life (relationship-wise). I didn’t feel I deserved to be someone’s wife, the only woman they were committed to. My self-esteem was so low, I wrote off my future.
Being real, I was afraid of commitment. It was easier to deal with a man already committed because he can’t expect much from me, right? So, he wants to be the only man I sleep with… I’m cool with that! I don’t do the whole overlapping partners thing anyways. It’ll be the whole, “When I’m with you, I’m with and when I’m not, I’m not,” type deal, right?
Little did I know, I wasn’t creating soul ties with just him, but with her as well! I would lay in bed at night and wonder if she knew he was gone… Wonder if she knew he was cheating… Is she hurt…? Is she cheating…? What will I say to her when she finds out? How can I comfort her?
Sounds crazy right? I’m lying in bed next to her man and all I can think about is her and her feelings. That’s when I realized something had to change within me. So I did the work… I started asking questions to figure out why all my life I never felt like “wife” should be my title. Once I got that answer I dug even deeper. Why don’t I feel like I should be someone’s number one? That answer made me dig even deeper! Why do I hate me…
If you’ve been exploring with me for a while, then you know, most of these questions have already been answered. It took me years to realize my potential and beauty. I mean, I didn’t stop hating myself, until may-ish of last year. And, I didn’t fully realize my beauty until late last year. I battled myself, internally, for at least 21 years of my life, before I finally got it right!
To be clear… I no longer partake in this behavior, nor do I encourage it! As mentioned in our introduction, this is exploring my past.
Everyone won’t be able to relate to this journey, and that’s okay. Guess what though! Everyone, and I mean EVERYONE, has something in their past, they’re ashamed/embarrassed of. For me, this was one of mine. It’s easy to bury these moments, and pretend they never happened. But what was the point of going through it, if you’re not going to share the lesson with someone else?
I love y’all!
As always, feel free to ask questions and/or leave feedback in the comments section.
(All new journeys will be uploaded Saturdays by 12:30 EST)
I am BEAUTIFUL. I am PASSIONATE. I will LOVE.