Christians Struggle Too (Continued)

Hey Family! How are we feeling? Not exploring with you all for two weeks felt like forever!! It’s May! And we’re back on schedule! This week is creative writing, of course, so let’s dive back into Christians Struggle Too. Indulge and Enjoy!

The final paragraph of our first journey into Christians Struggle Too

Lifting my head, to now make eye contact with her, as if I wanted her to see the sadness in my heart I erase every assumption she’s making of me. “I guess you could say that but, the truth is I’ve never felt further away from him then I do now…”

We stare at each other as silence fills the room. I can see her racking her brain, trying to think of the next invasive question she’ll ask. As she strategically maps out her questionnaire, I began to get lost in my own thoughts. “How did I get here,” I ask myself, reminiscing about the events that led up to today’s visit…

“Girl, just make a profile,” my best friend yells, overly excited for me to get back on the dating scene. “I made one, and met my boo within a week,” she bragged, “Plus, you’ve been single for too long, it’s time for you to meet someone.”

~

I don’t know why I was so nervous about making this profile. Maybe it’s because it brought back old memories of the chat lines back in the day. You know, call a number and talk to a person for hours, then exchange information and meet up whenever y’all felt the time was right…

Yeah, it felt exactly like that only this time online. Trust me, despite my age, I’m entirely too familiar with chat line hook-ups. I mean, my friends and I couldn’t wait for our parents to go to sleep, work, or sneak off with their boyfriends (they thought we didn’t know about).

We would grab our house phone, dial in, and create sexy aliases, using soft seductive voices, to intrigue men sometimes 10 years older than us… That’s a story for another day though. Back to this crap fest…

~

She’s right, I had been single for almost a year and a half. It didn’t bother me too much, but maybe that’s because I kept sneaking around with my ex. Maybe I really should move on. And, my generation is known for getting over one, by hopping on the other!! So, online dating, here I come!

We sift through the thousands of pictures I have saved to my phone and pick 3-4 of them, we felt accentuates my best assets. We write a quick blurb, that really says nothing about who I am, and then we start swiping (left for no and right for yes)! Within 10 minutes messages began pouring in…

Between men sending me very explicit pictures, to others telling me they felt I was the “one” for them, I definitely began to feel overwhelmed. Needless to say, when one guy simply wrote, “Hey beautiful, hows your day going,” he 100% had my attention.

After talking for maybe, 3 hours or so. He had my address and was on his way to my house to “chill” (dangerous, I know). Of course “chilling,” no Netflix, turned into sex, very quickly, and not long after that he was gone…

Did we use protection? Well, I’m sitting in a clinic sharing this story with you, so go ahead and answer that question for yourself. Expecting not to hear from him again, I went back to the app just to casually converse with anyone willing.

After a few days, he messaged me asking if I wanted to “get up,” of course I agreed. Before I knew it, he and I were meeting up almost every night, having sex and going our separate ways in the darkness of the early morning. Honestly, I was completely okay with this. It’s not like I actually found him attractive… let’s just say he had a “big ego,” as Beyoncé so gracefully sang it!

~

“So, let’s say you are pregnant… Do you know who the child’s father is,” her question snaps me back to reality… “Yes,” I spewed at her, offended she’d even think to ask such a question. I mean, who does she think I am? I’m definitely not the type to sleep around. Wait… I mean, I know who he is… I just… don’t know his name.

My heart sinks to my stomach realizing how dangerous and carefree I’ve been. How could I’ve slept with a man whose name I don’t even know? What do I know about him? Damn, I really only know his age, (34) and I don’t even know if that’s true. Okay, kids… I know he mentioned his kids before. Two, I think he said he has two, a boy and a girl. Or maybe he said three…

Oh God, I definitely don‘t want to be a baby mama. So many thoughts run through my head as the nurse continues rambling about the “joys” of starting a family. As nothing she says registers in my brain, my thoughts begin to quiet down.

“God, I don’t know if You can hear me, but please help me. I know I’m the worst when it comes to communication, and I promise You I’m working on being better, but I don’t want to be pregnant by this man. I know this isn’t what you have in store for my life… Please, don’t let me be pregnant…”

(All new journeys will be uploaded Saturdays by 12:30 EST)

I am BEAUTIFUL. I am PASSIONATE. I will LOVE.

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