Honestly, I don’t even know how to start this journey. I mean, I went ghost on y’all, with no warning or explanation. And now, it’s been four, unexpected, months of silence. I know I owe y’all some type of explanation, however, I don’t even remember my mindset in the beginning/middle of April.
I would like to apologize because, from the start of our journeys together, I promised you all transparency and consistency. And, clearly, I’ve failed on the consistency part. I promise to do better and hold myself more accountable to the “rules” laid out for this space.
The last four months, for me, have been so eye-opening! Of course, I took my annual trip home to visit family and friends. I’ve been, pretty consistently, involved within different ministries at my Church. And, most recently, I even accepted a promotion at my job! Referring to myself as blessed would be an understatement…
How have you all been? And don’t give me the generic elevator answer! Seriously, how are you mentally, emotionally, and physically? Any fun and exciting news? Well, I pray you all are doing absolutely marvelous! Now let’s journey together! Indulge & Enjoy!!
Friendships have never come easy to me. I don’t know if it’s because of my uncontrollable awkwardness, or maybe my abandonment issues. Or maybe, just maybe it’s my deep-rooted trust issues, maybe even my overwhelming level of suspicion. Whatever the cause, the effects result in me having very few (distant) friends and a couple of associates.
Now don’t get it twisted, I vibe with people easily. I have a natural ability to hold open conversations with practically anyone. And I’m not talking about elevator chat. Something about my personality makes it easy for people to open up to me immediately. Sometimes it’s overwhelming, however, I love the trust they instill in me.
So, why do those conversations never really blossom into genuine, long-lasting friendships? Great question… Honestly, I feel the majority of it translates to self-sabotage. I meet people and I genuinely listen to the part of themselves they choose to share with me.
While effectively listening, I also begin to see the unlimited potential the individual possesses. One characteristic trait most people quickly learn about me is, I love to encourage and uplift the people around me. However, feeding and pouring into beautiful souls can sometimes leave you searching for your own validation.
It is impossible to create genuine friendships when you feel unworthy of that individual’s presence. Now, keeping it real, there are some friendships I’ve walked away from out of sheer respect for myself. Also, connections have ended because of unmet expectations, on my part.
Sometimes, however, I distance myself from people who could potentially add value and much-needed support to my life. My insecurities begin to surface and I disappear before they catch on to how damaged I truly am. Oftentimes, this process happens unconsciously and up until recently, I had no idea it was even happening.
Being at the point of realization, I feel it’s very important I work on correcting my thought process along with my response to fear. I acknowledge this frame of thinking had a lot to do with unresolved childhood trauma. And, I accept, I cannot rewire my thinking on my own.
Therefore, I welcome therapy, coupled with prayer, to learn the steps needed to become a better me! I mean, what’s life without beautiful, loving, genuine souls to share it with…?
So, here we are, at the end of our journey and I want to say life is beautifully amazing! I am sincerely happy with where I am in all journeys of life. To everyone who reached out, and wanted to know why I stopped exploring, I just want to say THANK YOU!
Sometimes, I forget you all actually explore with me and look forward to our journeys. We don’t have a set schedule at this time, however I promise to explore at least once a month. Until next time, be blessed in all that you do.
(All new journeys will be uploaded at least one Saturday of each month by 12:30 EST)
I am BEAUTIFUL. I am PASSIONATE. I will LOVE.