Hurt of my Yesterday…

I hurt you…

I took your vulnerabilities, threw them on the ground, and spit on them…

I severed your trust with a blade sharp enough to slay dragons…

I tapped a mallet against your already damaged heart causing it to break even more…

No… I didn’t break you… my hurting you caused damage though…

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You hurt me…

You stole my vulnerable moments and shared them with your “people”…

You used a noose to dangle my trust outside my window in the darkest hours of the night…

You chiseled away at my heart disguised as a repairer yet left more damage than when you arrived…

But I was already broken… so no, you didn’t break me… you just hold the title of contributor…

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But, I hurt you…

They say, hurt people, hurt people so I get a pass, right?

I mean, if you really think about it, it’s the circle of life, right?

Whatchu you mean I have to acknowledge my actions before you’ll say “it’s alright”?

Well, “I apologize if YOU FEEL (insert belittling, victimizing language here) by my actions…”

There… I said it… now what?

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But, you hurt me…

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Hey, y’all! It’s been over a year since we’ve explored together and to say I’ve missed these journeys would be an understatement! I pray all is well with each one of you! Within this last year I’ve been through so many trials. I’ve hurt people, people have hurt me… I’ve apologized (well attempted to), and people have attempted to apologize to me.

As I was praying into bringing Beautiful. Passionate. Love. back active, God placed it on my heart to address the “hurt of my yesterday.” But it wasn’t just addressing the people I’ve been hurt by, He wanted me to also address the people I’d hurt. And it wasn’t as easy as you think… you have to let your guard down and be honest with yourself…

I’ve betrayed peoples’ trust… I’ve caused damage to peoples’ hearts… I’ve caused people to adjust their masks and not be themselves in public spaces… As I sat down and genuinely began to think about the people I’ve hurt (in the last two years specifically) I began to ask God to show me how to apologize to them. Here’s what I received:

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“Their healing isn’t at your discretion…”

“Their choice to address their hurt isn’t in your time…”

“Their healing isn’t your responsibility…”

“Their healing shouldn’t be interrupted by you…”

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What I gathered from those four statements is I don’t have the right to reach out and address the pain that I’ve caused. I don’t know where they are in their healing journey and it wouldn’t be fair to them for me to barge in and spill my feelings… I don’t get to reopen the wounds I’ve caused…

So here I am… Confused… wondering what an apology looks like without the words “I’m sorry…” But, then it hit me! The “I’m sorry” is in your actions! Your compassion to pray for those who hurt you… Your quickness to forgive those who slight you… Your readiness to show up in any way you can for those who have caused damage to you… Why? BECAUSE YOU’VE BEEN WHERE THEY ARE BEFORE!!! And, if we’re being honest, you will find yourself there again and wouldn’t it be nice to receive a little compassion and love when you mess up?

Now, let’s talk about verbal apologies… Let’s all promise to STOP WITH THE CONDESCENDING, BELITTLING, DISINGENUOUS APOLOGIES!! We are too grown to be pretending to apologize! And if you don’t know how to verbally apologize, I’d recommend praying about it, reaching out to a therapist, or even a spiritually led elder in your community. That’s all I’m gonna say on that…

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As we wrap up this journey, I want to take the time to thank you all for being here! This last year was tough on me mentally and emotionally (which is why I paused until God released me to write again). I will be working on giving our home a new look to complement the new season I’m in! With that being said, that means the content may change as well… So, as I continue to be transparent with you please do the same with me. Tell me your likes and dislikes! I promise to receive all criticism as constructive!

We currently don’t have a schedule. I will be posting whenever I feel led by the spirit to share. I think I’m going to stick with mornings or midday Saturdays for our journey days, simply because it’s easier to manage that way.

Regardless of the year, this is still my safe place, OUR SAFE PLACE!! So let’s continue to explore and grow together! I love y’all!

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I am BEAUTIFUL. I am PASSIONATE. I will LOVE.