Over and Out

Dear 2020,

I mean, where do I start? You genuinely rocked the entire world, pulling us out of our comfort zones, and forcing us into a new way of life. You normalized working from home, and you prioritize hand washing (which is still mind boggling to me).

You forced life to take place behind the screen…Stripping away many of the activities we view as “a right of passage,” such as proms, moving up ceremonies, and graduations. Church, and even school, became isolating chores, dreadful to most.

Community and fellowship now take place over conference calls. Traveling comes with even more risk. And, simply leaving the house requires a face mask. Yet, with all the drama and trauma you’ve caused, I simply want to say thank you.

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Thank you, for reminding me to appreciate the little things in life. Yeah, I miss being able to get together with family and friends, hug and fellowship in close proximity, without taking each other’s temperature or wearing a mask. However, this forced time alone has made me realize the importance of using solitude as a self care practice.

In the past, I’ve required myself to stay busy by submerging myself in Church, work, or a multitude of issues around me (one time I even wished for jury duty just to avoid dealing with my own feelings). When life suddenly changed, in March of this year, I was wrecked! I had so many mentally overwhelming days because I was stuck with my own thoughts and feelings.

You forced me to admit that I wasn’t “okay,” and that I couldn’t heal on my own. And more importantly, you showed me, no amount of busyness can remove the pain I’m dealing with internally…

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At the start of this year, I remember everyone saying this would be the year of clear vision, I didn’t believe them. All I wanted to do, this year, was make a friend or two and explore. I had zero expectation for you. But, now I understand what they meant by clear vision.

After this year, I trust myself more. I appreciate my flaws more. I acknowledge my mistakes, and challenge myself to fix them. I respect and stand by my ‘no.’ And, I hold on to my ‘yes’ tighter than ever before. I’ve finally realized, the only person I’m living to impress is myself and God.

So, 2020, as your time runs out, and everyone celebrates moving into the unknown of 2021, I want you to know I am so grateful for the lessons taught throughout this year. I will cherish them forever. Thank you.

Over and out,

Alyshia-Mae

(All new journeys will be uploaded the 1st and 3rd Saturday of each month by 12:30 EST)

I am BEAUTIFUL. I am PASSIONATE. I will LOVE.

A Love Letter (Fourth)

Hey Handsome,

It seems like forever since I’ve sat down and conversed with you. Honestly, at this time, you seem like an unachievable figment of my imagination. I’ve even asked myself, multiple times, if I want to get married. I mean, be completely honest, you know I’m a handful.

Most times, I speak before I think… And, my eyes roll more than tires on an 18 wheeler going 80 miles an hour, late to its next stop. At times, I can be stubborn, thinking the world revolves around me and becoming very petty when I’m told ”no.” And this is all on a good day. So why would you choose to deal with the mess that is me? But then, I think about the man God is molding you into.

A man who will be fully graced specifically for me. A man, the Father has fully equipped to pray for me, as well as with me. A man, Abba will lead daily to ease the tension we may go through from time to time. And, a man, that will petition our Father in times of joy, sadness, and especially anger.

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This week, I’ve come to realize, you are heaviest on my mind when I’m farthest from God… That’s always when I dream about you the most, as if you’re reminding me, my walking away from the Father, is also me walking away from you. And I always find my way back to Him, not for you, but because my safe place begins in His arms (I appreciate you keeping me on track already though).

So, I’m back in the Word, and something about it is so different. I find myself staying focused during virtual services, though I am eager to get back to the actual Church building. I’m taking notes and being more cognizant of applying what I learn in life. I mean, I’ve always applied the Bible to my everyday life (parts of it anyway), but now I’m being intentional.

I want to start talking to God more, but honestly it scares me. I know I have to break through this fear. A Pastor from back home said something years ago that always replays in my head: “Your voice is your spiritual address, how will God know where to send your blessings if He never hears your voice?” (Interesting thought, right?)

I don’t want to talk to God to get more blessings though, I want to become comfortable speaking with Him, to learn the purest form of love. A love so constant, it forgives one hundred times, times infinity. A love so strong, it holds on tight no matter how far away I stray. A love so genuine, it reveals my flaws and loves me through correcting them. A love so steadfast, it strengthens with every mistake I make.

A love so giving, It will one day, allow me to share just a drop with you. That drop, however, will never evaporate. It will never run dry. You will never feel second best and you will always know my love for you was molded and shaped by the one and only Jehovah Jireh, who will provide for us, endlessly, throughout our union.

Hmm, thinking about it, learning to love with the Father, actually sounds like one of the greatest blessings of all. I’m excited to share what I’ll learn with you. Until I write again, please know I’m always striving to be the best me I can.

With a never ending drop of love,

Your Future Wife

(All new journeys will be uploaded the 1st and 3rd Saturday of each month by 12:30 EST)

I am BEAUTIFUL. I am PASSIONATE. I will LOVE.

Closing the Gap

It’s been so long, since I’ve sat down and wrote what was genuinely on my heart. You know, letting you all in, without limitation, fear, or regret. Showing you, the depths of my heart, without caring if you’ll accept me or not. Honestly, a part of me wonders if I can go back to being that free. The other part wonders what happened to me…

How did I go from sharing my life lessons, to hiding in silence? From just wanting to leave a positive imprint on this world, to running from my calling… From knowing my value, to questioning the currency… From standing up for the voiceless, to becoming one of the voiceless… What happened to me…?

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Beautiful. Passionate. Love. turned two on October 9th, 2020. I know, I should have at least celebrated this milestone with you all, however, why celebrate what’s dead. That’s right…I said it. She was dead to me. Full transparency, I thought about shutting the site down the same day she turned two.

You see, when I stopped exploring with you all, it wasn’t planned nor was it by choice. Hell, I don’t even think it really hit me that I had stopped until about 3 weeks after not posting. I can’t even tell you how many journeys I started but couldn’t finish. How many nights I thought about chapters of my life I should share but couldn’t find the words. So I just stopped…

If you’ve ever been passionate about anything, you know not having access to that [thing] can be traumatic. Well, to be a writer with no words is literally heart breaking. Writing is not only how I communicate, it’s how I de-stress. It’s how I come to grips with whatever the world throws at me. When I lost my words I lost my voice, so I saw no point in continuing Beautiful. Passionate. Love..

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So, for months now, I’ve been silent… I’ve been fearful… I’ve been disengaged… And, I’ve been embarrassed… I’ve severed potential business opportunities because I couldn’t see past my self doubt. I’ve caused damage to friendships and family bonds because I couldn’t see my value. I stopped hanging out, and started staying in, all because I didn’t know how to write (or even scream) one word… “HELP.”

H.E.L.P. Why does this word choke me up and shut down every path of effective communication? What am I so afraid to reach out? And, what do I need help with? Pshh… I wish I had the answer to all three questions. I don’t. I wish I could just wake up tomorrow and this miserable feeling would magically be washed away. Because we all know this isn’t possible, I have to choose to push through. But, how?

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Emotionally, I am hurting. Mentally, I am confused. Physically, I am living my best life. What I seek is balance. I want to say I’m doing well and genuinely mean it. I want to be able to say the issues I’ve had with my mother and father are behind me. I want to be a cycle breaker for my family…

I’ve been thinking about what I can do, to position myself to regain my stability in life. Honestly, I still don’t have the answer. I mean I’m looking into the obvious suggestions (i.e. therapy, prayer, journaling), however, I know those alone won’t work for me. A part of my healing has been this platform. Therefore, I have to find my words and continue to share openly and honestly with you all.

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With that being said, I am so glad to announce we will be exploring together twice a month. At this time, I do feel Saturday’s are best. I’m thinking, the 1st and 3rd Saturday of each month! Thank you all for continuing to explore with me.

I love y’all!

(All new journeys will be uploaded the 1st and 3rd Saturday of each month by 12:30 EST)

I am BEAUTIFUL. I am PASSIONATE. I will LOVE.

A Year Already?

Hey BPL family! It’s the last week in September, which means, as of today I’ve been in Kentucky for a year!! Can you believe it? Some days I still forget I live here. Well, this journey isn’t long or extraordinary, however, it’s necessary. Sometimes, on our life journeys, we forget to point out the awesome milestones we’ve accomplished. I refuse to continue down that road. Are we ready to explore? Me too! Indulge & Enjoy.

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Dear Beautiful,

Today marks a year since you’ve moved to Kentucky, and I just want to say, I’m so proud of you! I mean, a year ago today, you drove away from everything familiar to you, to embark on a journey of the unknown. What a rewarding journey it has been thus far!

You’ve learned so much more about yourself, and you continue to take risks, daily. I mean, you went from learning how to do makeup, to learning how to do your own nails, and now relearning how to do hair, all at the same time. Not only are you saving money, but you’re also exuding a self-sufficient, determined attitude that’s genuinely inspiring.

On top of keeping your peace and self-reflection at the forefront of your goals. You’ve learned to embrace your flaws and flaunt them with pride! You’ve expanded your tolerance levels, to allow others to unapologetically be themselves around you, at all times. And, you’ve allowed your light to shine brighter than ever before.

You’ve learned to stop worrying about the opinion of the masses and do what makes you happy. One quality you’ve gained, which makes me so proud, is the ability to disagree without destroying. See, you used to be so quick to destroy friendships/relationships over simple disagreements. (I believe you refer to it as your “cut off game” being strong.)

You may not see it, but you’re an encouragement to others. Okay, so your faith may not be where you feel it should be. Your self-esteem may dwindle every now and then. And, your finances may be a little thin, at times. But guess what, YOU’RE HUMAN! All of these negative attributes make you more relatable to the world.

Sometimes you forget how powerful your presence is and you distance yourself from loved ones. Stop doing that. They need your light just as much as you need theirs. When you’re not feeling social I need you to push through and love on your family and friends. Do not allow the enemy to steal your voice, again.

I could go on and on about the beautiful young woman you’re still blossoming into, however, I’ll cut it short for now. Just remember to always let your light shine. The world needs it, now more than ever. Stay authentically YOU, my love.

I love you more than words can ever express!

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I am BEAUTIFUL. I am PASSIONATE. I will LOVE.

One Last Goodbye…

B.P.L. Family!! My goodness how I’ve missed you! Yes I know it’s been a little over two months. And yes, I know most of you thought our journeys were over. But, WE ARE BACK!

We’re definitely going to start off slow with more of a free form flow until I get back into the swing of things. Thank you so much for being so patient with me and know, I love and appreciate you all!

Ready to explore? Indulge and Enjoy!

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I allowed you to penetrate the depths of my heart, expecting you’d know how to handle it this time. But, you didn’t. I held on to every word you said, imagining them all coming true. But, they never will. I was open… More open than I’ve ever been with anyone before because I knew you knew where I came from…

You knew the little girl that hated herself. You knew the childish teen that used her body to feel a love she could never find. You knew the young woman that would give anything in that world to be beautiful. An, yet, you loved her. You loved her through her pain and you pushed her to genuinely love herself. So, I just wanted to show you the love you once showed me.

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Allow me to caress that pain, lying beneath the smile you wear daily, pretending everything’s just fine. Let me wash away the feeling of doubt, written in the wrinkles of your forehead, you think no one sees. Allow me to serenade you with stories and fantasies of a life together, as you drift into a deep slumber. Relax baby boy, I’ve got you.

You want me to wait? I’ll wait for you. I’ve been waiting for yo-… Hold on… Wait, why the hell didn’t you wait for me? You could have waited. Love… True love… Would have waited for us to actually finish before moving on. Before getting married. But now, four months before your two year wedding anniversary you want to tell me you’re still in love with me.

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Yeah yeah yeah. You waited to tell me because the timing wasn’t right. But what’s so right about this timing? NOT A DAMN THING! But, it’s you and I’m the new me so let me allow you a moment to explain yourself. Go ahead, I’m listening… Right, now you don’t know what to say. Well, I’ll help you get started.

Start with the fact that you’re still the young man I fell in love with all those years ago. Having virtual relationships and promising women stuff you know you don’t plan to give them. You see, what family and friends didn’t know was, when we were together you did that dumb shit to me. I remember the messages in your phone. I remember crying because you just didn’t “know what to say.” So we stayed together…

Here’s something you can say… Tell me about your brokenness. Tell me that you’re so broken you don’t know where to start unpacking. Talk about how you pour all of your time and energy into fixing someone else because you’re afraid to heal yourself. That’s the key as to why you’re not “happy” in your marriage.

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I’m so happy, conversation was all I was able to provide you in your time of unhappiness. I’m so happy, I’ve grown from being the Side Chick, I was once so very comfortable being. I’m so happy, for the reality check I so desperately needed to break me from the fantasy land I resided in, with you.

I’m so happy…

I’m so so happy…

I bet you’re wondering why I’m so happy, huh? Well, I’m happy to finally close the door on the last piece of my past that was haunting me. I’m happy, my heart is still pure and as genuine as before we met. I’m happy, I learned to love myself like no other will ever be able to. And, finally I’m so happy to know you never genuinely loved me. Now, I can stop comparing every man that has interest in me to a young love that simply never used to be.

And no, this time around, we cannot be friends.

God Bless & Goodbye…

I am BEAUTIFUL. I am PASSIONATE. I will LOVE.

What if I was Whi…

Hey family. I pray you are all in good spirits, despite the obstacles we are taking head-on, world wide. No real intro this week, I just want to let you know we will be changing our journey schedule. To ensure I am not choosing quantity over quality, we will be dropping down to 1-2 lengthier journeys a month. With that being said please don’t hesitate to reach out and let me know if there’s a topic you’d like to explore! (email:beautifulpassionatelove@gmail.com)

Oh, we also will be moving away from Saturdays for a more free-flowing exploration experience. Well, that’s all for me and my announcements! Let’s explore! Indulge & Enjoy!

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Sitting here, during the pandemic that has the world in an uproar, watching protesters beg for justice for Breonna Taylor— a woman shot and killed in a “no-knock” botched search warrant. As the live stream broadcast, to anyone on Facebook that wishes to view it, the comments start pouring in.

“Way to make it about race, ALL LIVES MATTER,” a woman of the un-melanited ethnicity chose to write. All of me wanted to reply to her comment, begging her to get a grip of reality and realize what’s going on around her, but I don’t. Instead, my mind wanders…

I begin to think of a world where “they” were “us” and “we” were “them.” I begin to wonder what life would be like to not secrete the melanin that drips from my pours, reminding the white world I live in that I’m just another useless black “girl.” “Damn,” I think to myself, ”At 28 years of age, they don’t even see us as men and women, they still see us as “boy” and “girl…”

My thoughts are interrupted by another commenter, also not black, sharing his unsolicited opinion. “This is a violent protest,” he states, “The police need to do their job and ‘end this’.” My blood boils as my mind wanders to all the peaceful protests my brothers, sisters, and ancestors partook in. YOU SAID THE SAME EXACT THING THEN TOO.

My mind reverts back to the scenario… What if I was white? What would it feel like to ALWAYS be bothered by “you people?” To be walking down the street, on a hot summer day, and see a young black girl selling water to pedestrians, and call the police because she doesn’t have a permit. To be so bothered, by a young black man jogging, in my neighborhood, I get in the car with a relative and hunt him down and kill him, in broad daylight, because he ”fits the description.” Or, to feel so overwhelmingly bothered by the loud playing of urban music, at a gas station, that I approach and fire into the car, killing a young black man, because they wouldn’t turn it down.

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Not aware of these scenarios? Jordan Austin, was 8 years old when the police were called on her for selling water… Ahmaud Arbery, was 25 when he was hunted down and murdered for jogging in the “wrong” neighborhood… Jordan Davis, he was 17, when he was murdered for listening to music… Trayvon Martin, 17-years-old… Sandra Bland, 28-years-old… Eric Gardner, 43-years-of-age… Breonna Taylor, 26-years-old… George Floyd, 46-years-old… What’s sad, is this list doesn’t even scratch the surface of injustice constantly repeated against the black community….

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So, I ask myself again, “What if I was white?” I ponder a world where I have pale skin, bone straight hair, maybe even a couple freckles… I focus on how safe I’d feel when I leave the house, with no fear of not making it back home. I focus on the security I’d have, knowing it’s highly unlikely I’ll be seen as the aggressor in a confrontation. I wonder how it would feel to not fully understand injustice, therefore wipe it under the rug.

I wonder… I wonder… I wonder… And, after my wondering turns into frustration due to the inequality being ignored daily, I, PROUDLY, remind myself that I am BLACK! I rub my fingers through my 4c kinky hair and smile as they get stuck in the coils. I look at my thick lips, wide nose, caramel-colored skin, and I tell myself, “Your black is beautiful!” (And, so is yours!)

My black is UNIQUE! My black is MAGICAL! My black is STRONG! My black is COURAGEOUS! My black is UNAPOLOGETIC! My black is PERFECT! My black is also hated, feared, misunderstood, and unwanted. Yet, people wonder why we turn our cameras on as soon as we see lights flashing behind us. Because we never know if our skin complexion will be just enough to provoke probable cause.

Pull us out the car, and cuff us while yelling stop resisting, though we haven’t resisted at all. Call in our information and search our car only to find out we’re clean. Everything’s in order! Yet, a simple traffic stop still turns into an arrest (don’t forget the beating and possible death). Why? Because we’re still viewed as thugs… criminals… niggers… Now, they’re reading us our rights…

But when they read, “You have the right to remain silent…” we never thought they meant literally…

BLACK LIVES MATTER!

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I am BEAUTIFUL. I am PASSIONATE. I will LOVE.

Christians Struggle Too (Continued)

Hey Family! How are we feeling? Not exploring with you all for two weeks felt like forever!! It’s May! And we’re back on schedule! This week is creative writing, of course, so let’s dive back into Christians Struggle Too. Indulge and Enjoy!

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The final paragraph of our first journey into Christians Struggle Too…

Lifting my head, to now make eye contact with her, as if I wanted her to see the sadness in my heart I erase every assumption she’s making of me. “I guess you could say that but, the truth is I’ve never felt further away from him then I do now…”

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We stare at each other as silence fills the room. I can see her racking her brain, trying to think of the next invasive question she’ll ask. As she strategically maps out her questionnaire, I began to get lost in my own thoughts. “How did I get here,” I ask myself, reminiscing about the events that led up to today’s visit…

“Girl, just make a profile,” my best friend yells, overly excited for me to get back on the dating scene. “I made one, and met my boo within a week,” she bragged, “Plus, you’ve been single for too long, it’s time for you to meet someone.”

I don’t know why I was so nervous about making this profile. Maybe it’s because it brought back old memories of the chat lines back in the day. You know, call a number and talk to a person for hours, then exchange information and meet up whenever y’all felt the time was right…

Yeah, it felt exactly like that only this time online. Trust me, despite my age, I’m entirely too familiar with chat line hook-ups. I mean, my friends and I couldn’t wait for our parents to go to sleep, work, or sneak off with their boyfriends (they thought we didn’t know about).

We would grab our house phone, dial in, and create sexy aliases, using soft seductive voices, to intrigue men sometimes 10 years older than us… That’s a story for another day though. Back to this crap fest…

She’s right, I had been single for almost a year and a half. It didn’t bother me too much, but maybe that’s because I kept sneaking around with my ex. Maybe I really should move on. And, my generation is known for getting over one, by hopping on the other!! So, online dating, here I come!

We sift through the thousands of pictures I have saved to my phone and pick 3-4 of them, we felt accentuates my best assets. We write a quick blurb, that really says nothing about who I am, and then we start swiping (left for no and right for yes)! Within 10 minutes messages began pouring in…

Between men sending me very explicit pictures, to others telling me they felt I was the “one” for them, I definitely began to feel overwhelmed. Needless to say, when one guy simply wrote, “Hey beautiful, hows your day going,” he 100% had my attention.

After talking for maybe, 3 hours or so. He had my address and was on his way to my house to “chill” (dangerous, I know). Of course “chilling,” no Netflix, turned into sex, very quickly, and not long after that he was gone…

Did we use protection? Well, I’m sitting in a clinic sharing this story with you, so go ahead and answer that question for yourself. Expecting not to hear from him again, I went back to the app just to casually converse with anyone willing.

After a few days, he messaged me asking if I wanted to “get up,” of course I agreed. Before I knew it, he and I were meeting up almost every night, having sex and going our separate ways in the darkness of the early morning. Honestly, I was completely okay with this. It’s not like I actually found him attractive… let’s just say he had a “big ego,” as Beyoncé so gracefully sang it!

“So, let’s say you are pregnant… Do you know who the child’s father is,” her question snaps me back to reality… “Yes,” I spewed at her, offended she’d even think to ask such a question. I mean, who does she think I am? I’m definitely not the type to sleep around. Wait… I mean, I know who he is… I just… don’t know his name.

My heart sinks to my stomach realizing how dangerous and carefree I’ve been. How could I’ve slept with a man whose name I don’t even know? What do I know about him? Damn, I really only know his age, (34) and I don’t even know if that’s true. Okay, kids… I know he mentioned his kids before. Two, I think he said he has two, a boy and a girl. Or maybe he said three…

Oh God, I definitely don‘t want to be a baby mama. So many thoughts run through my head as the nurse continues rambling about the “joys” of starting a family. As nothing she says registers in my brain, my thoughts begin to quiet down.

“God, I don’t know if You can hear me, but please help me. I know I’m the worst when it comes to communication, and I promise You I’m working on being better, but I don’t want to be pregnant by this man. I know this isn’t what you have in store for my life… Please, don’t let me be pregnant…”

(All new journeys will be uploaded Saturdays by 12:30 EST)

I am BEAUTIFUL. I am PASSIONATE. I will LOVE.

Christians Struggle Too…

Hey Family! I must admit I’m still a little down emotionally… I honestly believe it’s due to the lack of social interaction due to being quarantined. How are you guys holding up? This week is dedicated to creative writing. So, let’s explore. Indulge & Enjoy!

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As I wait patiently, in the dimly lit room, I wonder if the reviews I’ve read are true. Am I going to be bombarded with pamphlets about God and what he wants from me? How do they know what He wants from or for me when I don’t even know myself? How do they know, just from looking at me, what my destiny is?

The wait wasn’t long though. Walking back to the first room on the left, at the nurse’s request, I noticed how bare the walls are. No color. No pictures. No anything. Just white. Nothing like average doctors’ offices. At least not the ones I’ve been in.

After what felt like 10 minutes the nurse breaks the silence with the most confusing, uncomfortable question a doctor has ever asked me. “Are you pro-choice or pro-Life?” from her expression, I can tell my answer made her as uncomfortable as I was. “I’m whatever works for my life at the moment.”

Her discomfort didn’t last for long as the room seems to darken. She slowly lifts her head to look me in the eyes. As she stares at me, I make sure to keep eye contact, while mentally reminding myself to be firm in my decision. Breaking our intense stare, she looks down to close her folder of papers and bull another awkward question out of thin air. “Do you know God?”

My eyes started to roll, to the back of my head, as I realize I’m not even 5 minutes into my appointment and my lecture has begun. Attempting to answer her question as truthfully as I can, without lying or making this discussion last any longer than it has to be, I decide to think before speaking this time.

“I believe there is always room for improvement when it comes to knowing God. I come from a family full of religion. From my Grandfathers to my Fathers all being or have been Pastors. I also attended catholic school my whole life.”

As she listens to my history, her frown begins to fade and a beaming smile replaces it. Her smile seems to brighten the whole room as she says,“So you do know Him!”

Yes! I’m in the clear. This discussion is over! You definitely did your thing girl, I think to myself, but I wasn’t in the clear at all. It’s at this very moment I came to one of the most truthful yet frightening realizations of my life.

Lifting my head to now make eye contact with her, as if I wanted her to see the sadness in my heart I erase every assumption she’s making of me. “I guess you could say that but, the truth is I’ve never felt further away from him then I do now…”

…

All new journeys will be uploaded Saturdays by 12:30 EST)

I am BEAUTIFUL. I am PASSIONATE. I will LOVE

Come Home…

Happy March! I always feel refreshed in the month of March. You know like it’s a new year with new possibilities. It seems strange, my year doesn’t really feel new until 3 months in… Just goes to show, were all on different journeys, and you never know where, exactly, your neighbor is on theirs.

This week, I want to discuss a conversation I had Sunday, March 1st, that almost took me back to a seriously dark space. I thank God for keeping his hand on me while I chose to venture off into this world alone. Ready to explore? Indulge and Enjoy!

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About a month ago, I prayed and I told God I loved Him. I told Him I love Him, but this life was too hard for me. I told Him I wasn’t leaving Him, but I needed to do a few things my way. He begged me to reconsider by shielding me from the very things my flesh desired. But, I refused. So he wrapped his arms around me, told me He loves me and will always be here when I needed Him. As I walked out the door, He asked me if I had my key, just in case, I changed my mind. I smiled and said “I do,” knowing I left it in the middle of my neatly made bed…

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So foreign, yet so familiar… I sit at my desk daydreaming of the trouble I can get myself into tonight. I’ve been released, released from the conviction of my fleshly desires. I can live in this world and be free of the weight of being the perfectly imperfect Christian. My struggles can become my struggles in private again. I don’t want to be seen as a “Church Girl,” or a “PK– Preacher’s Kid.” I wanted to be the version of me that was innocent in the light and full of sin in the dark. The version of me that men lust after, regardless of their relationship status, and I’d play eeny-meeny-miny-moe to select the one I’d spend some time with…

So familiar, yet so foreign… I sit and wonder why the excitement of spending the night with a man I’ve known for, ehh maybe 3 days doesn’t shoot through my body like it used to. As the Spirit whispers to my heart, “Come home, this isn’t you, Never was you…” I try to shake the feeling… My brain keeps repeating, “I can do this, this is me…” The feeling just won’t go away. So, torn between the two, I call and cancel my plans, explaining something came up. But, I extend an invitation to reschedule…

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Everything is so innocent… My emotions are completely out of whack. I’m acting before thinking and somewhere in my irrational mind, it all makes sense. I’m forcing myself to believe, all is well, because… well… I mean, it’s the easiest thing to do. Who wants to admit their soul is at war with their flesh, for their salvation, and at the present moment their flesh is winning? Who wants to tell the world they intentionally walked away from a life of growth, and prosperity for failure and stagnation. But, my Father said I can come home whenever I want, right? I wonder if he meant it… Yeah, I think I’m ready to go home… Shoot, I can’t even do that, because I left my key in the middle of my neatly made bed…

Innocent is everything… He’s so adorable… I’ve brushed him off for months, yet, he still reaches out almost daily. Persistence! I like that. Plus, it’s just conversation, what harm can it do? But, his conversation activates something in me that I’ve desired for so long. Intimacy! My mind has been craving an intellectual conversation with an attractive man who knows God. Or does God just know him? WHO CARES! We’re definitely entertaining this… I won’t let it go too far, I promise… But, then that voice in my brain begins to remind me, “I can do this, this is me…”

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“You can tell your Dad has always given you everything you ask for,” the assumption pierced my ears like nails on a chalkboard. Immediately, the insecurities of not having my dad growing up flooded my spirit. Defense rises, as I prepare to let this man know exactly what my Dad has done for me. As I open my mouth, my soul calms my mind. My hardened heart softens. My words retreat from the tip of my tongue. “He meant your Father… Your heavenly Father,” a familiar voice whispers in my ear as tears begin to fill my eyes, “Come home…”

But, I don’t have my key… How will I get in? My Father is the busiest being I know. There’s no way He will be sitting in the house waiting for me. “Come home,” the voice repeats, no explanation nor hesitation. How? How can I get home? I walk into my room, look at my neatly made bed, and right in the middle of the pillows, it was there. My Bible. How did I not notice I had my key all along? I climb in my bed and flip to my favorite scripture, 1 John 3:1.

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See what great love the Father has lavished on us, that we should be called children of God! And that is what we are! The reason the world does not know us is that it did not know Him.

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As I lay in bed wondering what my Father thinks about my return, I hear a confident, secure, stern, yet understanding voice whisper, “Welcome home, My child.” My heart reverts to a posture of worship and reverence. You’re here? You waited for me! You knew I had my key this entire time, yet You still waited here for me! I love you Abba…

“I love you too, my little headstrong bull, he says as he kisses my forehead. “When you choose to leave I worry. I worry at how long it will take you to find your way back. This month felt like 3 years for me. Please don’t leave again.” He pleads with me to stay safe in the home He’s built for us. “But, if you do choose to leave know this My child: You have left Me, I have not, nor will I ever leave you. I will always be here, waiting for you to use your key…”

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(All new journeys will be uploaded Saturdays by 12:30 EST)

I am BEAUTIFUL. I am PASSIONATE. I will LOVE.

February’s Favorite Moment

Hey Family! Can y’all believe we are already wrapping up the 4th week of February? I mean, this year is flying by! This week is supposed to be a recap of the month, but honestly, I’m not in the mood for a recap.

Don’t get me wrong, February has been beautiful. I just don’t particularly feel like reciting all the blessings the month has showered on me. So, instead, I want to share what’s on my heart. Let’s explore. Indulge & Enjoy!!

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This month I have met/reconnected with some interesting people. I’ve had some amazing activities transpire. And, I’ve had some wonderful conversations (at work and just out and about). One of my favorite conversations came from a series of text messages.

Here I am, at work passing the time asking questions to someone I’ve actually known for years, but just recently reconnected with. It became fun because they actually seemed genuine in what my answers were. See, most people enjoy talking about themselves, therefore, when you ask them a question they never give you a chance to answer that question. This conversation was entirely different.

After a series of questions, I decided to ask them what their idea of a perfect day would be. They gave me two scenarios, which were both really dope. But then, I was asked to answer the question… Check-out what came to mind…

My perfect day would be waking up, in my husband’s arms, to our children rummaging through the kitchen cabinets. As I try to get out of bed, without waking him, he pulls me closer and kisses me on the back of my neck. I giggle, telling him I have to check on our babies and he says something slick like “I’m trying to check on my baby, but she won’t be still…” we tease each other back and forth for a little, then I get up and take care of the little ones.

I cook breakfast and begin to make plates. But, instead of eating at the kitchen table, the kids decide Daddy should have breakfast in bed. So, we go wake him up, and sit in bed while eating blueberry pancakes, bacon, eggs, grits, and fruit. Of course, the kids made a mess but no one yells no one is upset we just enjoy our family time.

Finally, we’re up dressed and ready to start our day of exploring. We take the kids to a museum or the zoo and take what feels like a billion pictures to add to our photo albums. Once the kids are exhausted, we take them to their grandparents’ house so mommy and daddy can have some quality time together.

Hubby decides he wants to go out so we go home and get fancy on ‘em. I slip on a little black dress (skin glowing). Looking through the closet for the perfect shoes, I decide on some red pumps. As I’m standing in the mirror admiring my outfit and flawless makeup, my husband walks up behind me… Wrapping his arms around my waist, and kissing my neck, he whispers in my ear how beautiful I am. As I feel him raising my already short dress, I know our plans have changed… We never made it to our destination…

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(All new journeys will be uploaded Saturdays by 12:30 EST)

I am BEAUTIFUL. I am PASSIONATE. I will LOVE.