February's Favorite Moment

Hey Family! Can y’all believe we are already wrapping up the 4th week of February? I mean, this year is flying by! This week is supposed to be a recap of the month, but honestly, I’m not in the mood for a recap.

Don’t get me wrong, February has been beautiful. I just don’t particularly feel like reciting all the blessings the month has showered on me. So, instead, I want to share what’s on my heart. Let’s explore. Indulge & Enjoy!!

This month I have met/reconnected with some interesting people. I’ve had some amazing activities transpire. And, I’ve had some wonderful conversations (at work and just out and about). One of my favorite conversations came from a series of text messages.

Here I am, at work passing the time asking questions to someone I’ve actually known for years, but just recently reconnected with. It became fun because they actually seemed genuine in what my answers were. See, most people enjoy talking about themselves, therefore, when you ask them a question they never give you a chance to answer that question. This conversation was entirely different.

After a series of questions, I decided to ask them what their idea of a perfect day would be. They gave me two scenarios, which were both really dope. But then, I was asked to answer the question… Check-out what came to mind…

My perfect day would be waking up, in my husband’s arms, to our children rummaging through the kitchen cabinets. As I try to get out of bed, without waking him, he pulls me closer and kisses me on the back of my neck. I giggle, telling him I have to check on our babies and he says something slick like “I’m trying to check on my baby, but she won’t be still…” we tease each other back and forth for a little, then I get up and take care of the little ones.

I cook breakfast and begin to make plates. But, instead of eating at the kitchen table, the kids decide Daddy should have breakfast in bed. So, we go wake him up, and sit in bed while eating blueberry pancakes, bacon, eggs, grits, and fruit. Of course, the kids made a mess but no one yells no one is upset we just enjoy our family time.

Finally, we’re up dressed and ready to start our day of exploring. We take the kids to a museum or the zoo and take what feels like a billion pictures to add to our photo albums. Once the kids are exhausted, we take them to their grandparents’ house so mommy and daddy can have some quality time together.

Hubby decides he wants to go out so we go home and get fancy on ‘em. I slip on a little black dress (skin glowing). Looking through the closet for the perfect shoes, I decide on some red pumps. As I’m standing in the mirror admiring my outfit and flawless makeup, my husband walks up behind me… Wrapping his arms around my waist, and kissing my neck, he whispers in my ear how beautiful I am. As I feel him raising my already short dress, I know our plans have changed… We never made it to our destination…

(All new journeys will be uploaded Saturdays by 12:30 EST)

I am BEAUTIFUL. I am PASSIONATE. I will LOVE.

A Love Letter (Third)

Happy Black History Month! Happy National Love Month! Happy whatever you may be celebrating month! Regardless of what this month means to you, enjoy it! Life is entirely too short to be unhappy!

This month, forget all the negative voices, replaying in your head, and do what makes you happy! Welcome to our first official Creative Writing journey! This week, I want to focus on the love this month represents, for most, and write a love letter. Let’s explore. Indulge & Enjoy!

Hey You,

There are so many things I want to say to you, I just don’t have the words. Usually, when I write to you, the words flow from my soul, like rain falling in Spring. But, this time it seems like Spring in California. A feeling of nervousness has washed over me. Uncertainty is attempting to cancel out the security, thoughts of you bring me.

I’ve made so many mistakes, in my past, and though I’ve forgiven myself (and I know the Father has forgiven me also), thoughts of you knowing the WHOLE truth have consumed me lately. Don’t get me wrong, I know you’re a very understanding loving man, yet, I also know I’m going to have quite a bit of explaining to do.

I fear some of the events in my past will cause us to have serious doubts about walking down the aisle. I think about our marriage counseling sessions, and see the pain in your eyes as I tell you about moments I’ve never said out loud. As you begin to cry, my heart breaks, fearing you will call the wedding off and walk away from me completely. But, there’s still more to tell you.

You see, as your wife, I never want to put you in a shameful situation. I never want someone to be able to tell you about me. So, while sharing the most intimate details of my sex life may be breaking your heart, at least you’re hearing them from me.

I said all of this to say, I can’t change the choices of my past, however, every day I’m doing the work in preparation of being the perfect wife for you (Please realize, I did not say I would be the perfect wife.). I will never stop working to better us in all aspects of our lives.

I guess I used all these words to say, I’m writing this letter feeling unqualified to be your wife. What I know is, unlike our love for one another, this feeling is temporary.

I love you.

(All new journeys will be uploaded Saturdays by 12:30 EST)

I am BEAUTIFUL. I am PASSIONATE. I will LOVE.

He Chose Me

What’s up, family? Welcome to our first Spiritual journey. Here is where I explore my raw, uncensored, and sometimes uneasy walk of faith, with you all. If you’ve been exploring with me for a while, then you know I’m a Christian. You also know I’ve made a multitude of mistakes in my life, and though I strive to be more like Christ daily, I’m still a very flawed human being.

On these journeys, you will get to see me pour my passion into my faith. You will see first hand the common misconception, “being a Christian is easy,” be discredited. It’s a daily struggle to be in the flesh, but not live in the flesh. So, like any other journey we explore, I promise to be as transparent as possible.

Now that all of the formalities are out of the way, get ready to explore! Indulge & Enjoy!

It feels weird lying here, desperately knowing this is not where I belong… In this bed, my bed, with this man I know, but don’t really know… In his arms, declaring my love for this man I don’t even really care to know. Is he my husband? The answer is no. But, I refuse to loosen his grip on me and tell him he needs to go… Why? Because sinnings no fun alone.

As he sleeps peacefully, I lay there… Wondering if he feels the warm tears sliding down my cheek, gently dripping on his bicep. No, he didn’t hurt me. Nothing happened tonight that I didn’t want to happen. Honestly, if you ask him, I’m sure he’ll tell you I initiated it… And we definitely had a good time. So why am I crying?

Praise and Worship was amazing… I’ve never known Your presence to be so strong. Or maybe I didn’t want to. I feel You moving within me. I know You’re trying to show me, there’s an easier way to do this thing called life. I just don’t think I’m ready… I’ll see You soon… I love you.

It feels strange to be back here again. A different man. No he’s not my husband, but let’s just pretend… I never knew I could love someone as much as I love him. No, I don’t know much about him but who cares? He’s my everything. I feel like I can’t breathe without him. If I give him my all, and do exactly what he asks of me, maybe he’ll stay.

As he sleeps peacefully, I lay in his arms, wondering when the tears will fall. They never come… As anger washes over me, his embrace begins to become cold. Attempting to calm the anger, I think about things he and I have in common. There are none. Wait maybe there are… Maybe it’s just, we haven’t had enough conversations to connect them. Or, maybe this is not where I belong…

Man, the Preacher was on point! You showed up and showed out! I haven’t heard preaching like that since my Granddaddy died. I never knew Your voice could be so loud. Or maybe I didn’t want too. I hear You speaking to me. I know You’re trying to show me, there’s an easier way to do this thing called life. I just don’t think im ready… I’ll see You soon… I love you.

It feels uncomfortable to be here once more. My body pressed against his, as my mind wanders somewhere far away pretending he’s not a different man (yes a different man). Of course he’s not my husband, but what if he was? How would that sound? Alyshia-Mae… Wait, what is his last name? Did even tell me? Did I even tell him my real name? Oh my goodness, he thinks my real name is Keisha…

As he sleeps peacefully, the war within my mind rages on. What number is he? Please don’t make me count. As the rage build up to tears as a voice yells out, “You’re ruining your life!” I yell back to the voice in my head,“Don’t judge me.” Wait, both voices were my own. So, am i judging myself? WHAT IS GOING ON! This is definitely not where I belong.

“Is there anyone here that has not accepted the Lord as their Savior?” Please don’t make me. You asked me to come… I came. You asked me to open my heart… I opened it… Now you’re asking me to surrender my life to you? I just dont think im ready… I’ll see You- – -..

….

It feels strange standing in the second to last row of this Church, confessing to the congregation words that my mind aren’t processing. Everything seems random, yet perfect. Tears stream down my face, as my soul reminds my lungs to breathe. But isn’t that my brains responsibility? “Yes, but I had to turn it off, I needed you to hear Me…”

God? Is that really you? “Yes My child, don’t be afraid” But, I’m still not ready! I’m too dirty to serve you… “Give your life back to Me and I’ll wash you clean as new.” But, I’m not ready- -… “My child, I created you. I know you’re every move. I know your thoughts before you think them. I know what you’ve been through. Please trust Me, you are ready.”  I’m not ready… I’m not qualified… Pick someone else…

I confess with my mouth, Jesus is Lord. I believe with my heart, God raised Him from the dead… I give the life You breathed into me back to You. I ask that You use me to edify Your Kingdom. I am Yours. My life is Yours. I still don’t think I’m ready, and if I keep waiting, I never will be.

(All new journeys will be uploaded Saturdays by 12:30 EST)

I am BEAUTIFUL. I am PASSIONATE. I will LOVE.