What if I was Whi…

Hey family. I pray you are all in good spirits, despite the obstacles we are taking head-on, world wide. No real intro this week, I just want to let you know we will be changing our journey schedule. To ensure I am not choosing quantity over quality, we will be dropping down to 1-2 lengthier journeys a month. With that being said please don’t hesitate to reach out and let me know if there’s a topic you’d like to explore! (email:beautifulpassionatelove@gmail.com)

Oh, we also will be moving away from Saturdays for a more free-flowing exploration experience. Well, that’s all for me and my announcements! Let’s explore! Indulge & Enjoy!

…

Sitting here, during the pandemic that has the world in an uproar, watching protesters beg for justice for Breonna Taylor— a woman shot and killed in a “no-knock” botched search warrant. As the live stream broadcast, to anyone on Facebook that wishes to view it, the comments start pouring in.

“Way to make it about race, ALL LIVES MATTER,” a woman of the un-melanited ethnicity chose to write. All of me wanted to reply to her comment, begging her to get a grip of reality and realize what’s going on around her, but I don’t. Instead, my mind wanders…

I begin to think of a world where “they” were “us” and “we” were “them.” I begin to wonder what life would be like to not secrete the melanin that drips from my pours, reminding the white world I live in that I’m just another useless black “girl.” “Damn,” I think to myself, ”At 28 years of age, they don’t even see us as men and women, they still see us as “boy” and “girl…”

My thoughts are interrupted by another commenter, also not black, sharing his unsolicited opinion. “This is a violent protest,” he states, “The police need to do their job and ‘end this’.” My blood boils as my mind wanders to all the peaceful protests my brothers, sisters, and ancestors partook in. YOU SAID THE SAME EXACT THING THEN TOO.

My mind reverts back to the scenario… What if I was white? What would it feel like to ALWAYS be bothered by “you people?” To be walking down the street, on a hot summer day, and see a young black girl selling water to pedestrians, and call the police because she doesn’t have a permit. To be so bothered, by a young black man jogging, in my neighborhood, I get in the car with a relative and hunt him down and kill him, in broad daylight, because he ”fits the description.” Or, to feel so overwhelmingly bothered by the loud playing of urban music, at a gas station, that I approach and fire into the car, killing a young black man, because they wouldn’t turn it down.

…

Not aware of these scenarios? Jordan Austin, was 8 years old when the police were called on her for selling water… Ahmaud Arbery, was 25 when he was hunted down and murdered for jogging in the “wrong” neighborhood… Jordan Davis, he was 17, when he was murdered for listening to music… Trayvon Martin, 17-years-old… Sandra Bland, 28-years-old… Eric Gardner, 43-years-of-age… Breonna Taylor, 26-years-old… George Floyd, 46-years-old… What’s sad, is this list doesn’t even scratch the surface of injustice constantly repeated against the black community….

…

So, I ask myself again, “What if I was white?” I ponder a world where I have pale skin, bone straight hair, maybe even a couple freckles… I focus on how safe I’d feel when I leave the house, with no fear of not making it back home. I focus on the security I’d have, knowing it’s highly unlikely I’ll be seen as the aggressor in a confrontation. I wonder how it would feel to not fully understand injustice, therefore wipe it under the rug.

I wonder… I wonder… I wonder… And, after my wondering turns into frustration due to the inequality being ignored daily, I, PROUDLY, remind myself that I am BLACK! I rub my fingers through my 4c kinky hair and smile as they get stuck in the coils. I look at my thick lips, wide nose, caramel-colored skin, and I tell myself, “Your black is beautiful!” (And, so is yours!)

My black is UNIQUE! My black is MAGICAL! My black is STRONG! My black is COURAGEOUS! My black is UNAPOLOGETIC! My black is PERFECT! My black is also hated, feared, misunderstood, and unwanted. Yet, people wonder why we turn our cameras on as soon as we see lights flashing behind us. Because we never know if our skin complexion will be just enough to provoke probable cause.

Pull us out the car, and cuff us while yelling stop resisting, though we haven’t resisted at all. Call in our information and search our car only to find out we’re clean. Everything’s in order! Yet, a simple traffic stop still turns into an arrest (don’t forget the beating and possible death). Why? Because we’re still viewed as thugs… criminals… niggers… Now, they’re reading us our rights…

But when they read, “You have the right to remain silent…” we never thought they meant literally…

BLACK LIVES MATTER!

…

I am BEAUTIFUL. I am PASSIONATE. I will LOVE.

Christians Struggle Too (Continued)

Hey Family! How are we feeling? Not exploring with you all for two weeks felt like forever!! It’s May! And we’re back on schedule! This week is creative writing, of course, so let’s dive back into Christians Struggle Too. Indulge and Enjoy!

…

The final paragraph of our first journey into Christians Struggle Too…

Lifting my head, to now make eye contact with her, as if I wanted her to see the sadness in my heart I erase every assumption she’s making of me. “I guess you could say that but, the truth is I’ve never felt further away from him then I do now…”

…

We stare at each other as silence fills the room. I can see her racking her brain, trying to think of the next invasive question she’ll ask. As she strategically maps out her questionnaire, I began to get lost in my own thoughts. “How did I get here,” I ask myself, reminiscing about the events that led up to today’s visit…

“Girl, just make a profile,” my best friend yells, overly excited for me to get back on the dating scene. “I made one, and met my boo within a week,” she bragged, “Plus, you’ve been single for too long, it’s time for you to meet someone.”

I don’t know why I was so nervous about making this profile. Maybe it’s because it brought back old memories of the chat lines back in the day. You know, call a number and talk to a person for hours, then exchange information and meet up whenever y’all felt the time was right…

Yeah, it felt exactly like that only this time online. Trust me, despite my age, I’m entirely too familiar with chat line hook-ups. I mean, my friends and I couldn’t wait for our parents to go to sleep, work, or sneak off with their boyfriends (they thought we didn’t know about).

We would grab our house phone, dial in, and create sexy aliases, using soft seductive voices, to intrigue men sometimes 10 years older than us… That’s a story for another day though. Back to this crap fest…

She’s right, I had been single for almost a year and a half. It didn’t bother me too much, but maybe that’s because I kept sneaking around with my ex. Maybe I really should move on. And, my generation is known for getting over one, by hopping on the other!! So, online dating, here I come!

We sift through the thousands of pictures I have saved to my phone and pick 3-4 of them, we felt accentuates my best assets. We write a quick blurb, that really says nothing about who I am, and then we start swiping (left for no and right for yes)! Within 10 minutes messages began pouring in…

Between men sending me very explicit pictures, to others telling me they felt I was the “one” for them, I definitely began to feel overwhelmed. Needless to say, when one guy simply wrote, “Hey beautiful, hows your day going,” he 100% had my attention.

After talking for maybe, 3 hours or so. He had my address and was on his way to my house to “chill” (dangerous, I know). Of course “chilling,” no Netflix, turned into sex, very quickly, and not long after that he was gone…

Did we use protection? Well, I’m sitting in a clinic sharing this story with you, so go ahead and answer that question for yourself. Expecting not to hear from him again, I went back to the app just to casually converse with anyone willing.

After a few days, he messaged me asking if I wanted to “get up,” of course I agreed. Before I knew it, he and I were meeting up almost every night, having sex and going our separate ways in the darkness of the early morning. Honestly, I was completely okay with this. It’s not like I actually found him attractive… let’s just say he had a “big ego,” as Beyoncé so gracefully sang it!

“So, let’s say you are pregnant… Do you know who the child’s father is,” her question snaps me back to reality… “Yes,” I spewed at her, offended she’d even think to ask such a question. I mean, who does she think I am? I’m definitely not the type to sleep around. Wait… I mean, I know who he is… I just… don’t know his name.

My heart sinks to my stomach realizing how dangerous and carefree I’ve been. How could I’ve slept with a man whose name I don’t even know? What do I know about him? Damn, I really only know his age, (34) and I don’t even know if that’s true. Okay, kids… I know he mentioned his kids before. Two, I think he said he has two, a boy and a girl. Or maybe he said three…

Oh God, I definitely don‘t want to be a baby mama. So many thoughts run through my head as the nurse continues rambling about the “joys” of starting a family. As nothing she says registers in my brain, my thoughts begin to quiet down.

“God, I don’t know if You can hear me, but please help me. I know I’m the worst when it comes to communication, and I promise You I’m working on being better, but I don’t want to be pregnant by this man. I know this isn’t what you have in store for my life… Please, don’t let me be pregnant…”

(All new journeys will be uploaded Saturdays by 12:30 EST)

I am BEAUTIFUL. I am PASSIONATE. I will LOVE.

Christians Struggle Too…

Hey Family! I must admit I’m still a little down emotionally… I honestly believe it’s due to the lack of social interaction due to being quarantined. How are you guys holding up? This week is dedicated to creative writing. So, let’s explore. Indulge & Enjoy!

…

As I wait patiently, in the dimly lit room, I wonder if the reviews I’ve read are true. Am I going to be bombarded with pamphlets about God and what he wants from me? How do they know what He wants from or for me when I don’t even know myself? How do they know, just from looking at me, what my destiny is?

The wait wasn’t long though. Walking back to the first room on the left, at the nurse’s request, I noticed how bare the walls are. No color. No pictures. No anything. Just white. Nothing like average doctors’ offices. At least not the ones I’ve been in.

After what felt like 10 minutes the nurse breaks the silence with the most confusing, uncomfortable question a doctor has ever asked me. “Are you pro-choice or pro-Life?” from her expression, I can tell my answer made her as uncomfortable as I was. “I’m whatever works for my life at the moment.”

Her discomfort didn’t last for long as the room seems to darken. She slowly lifts her head to look me in the eyes. As she stares at me, I make sure to keep eye contact, while mentally reminding myself to be firm in my decision. Breaking our intense stare, she looks down to close her folder of papers and bull another awkward question out of thin air. “Do you know God?”

My eyes started to roll, to the back of my head, as I realize I’m not even 5 minutes into my appointment and my lecture has begun. Attempting to answer her question as truthfully as I can, without lying or making this discussion last any longer than it has to be, I decide to think before speaking this time.

“I believe there is always room for improvement when it comes to knowing God. I come from a family full of religion. From my Grandfathers to my Fathers all being or have been Pastors. I also attended catholic school my whole life.”

As she listens to my history, her frown begins to fade and a beaming smile replaces it. Her smile seems to brighten the whole room as she says,“So you do know Him!”

Yes! I’m in the clear. This discussion is over! You definitely did your thing girl, I think to myself, but I wasn’t in the clear at all. It’s at this very moment I came to one of the most truthful yet frightening realizations of my life.

Lifting my head to now make eye contact with her, as if I wanted her to see the sadness in my heart I erase every assumption she’s making of me. “I guess you could say that but, the truth is I’ve never felt further away from him then I do now…”

…

All new journeys will be uploaded Saturdays by 12:30 EST)

I am BEAUTIFUL. I am PASSIONATE. I will LOVE

Come Home…

Happy March! I always feel refreshed in the month of March. You know like it’s a new year with new possibilities. It seems strange, my year doesn’t really feel new until 3 months in… Just goes to show, were all on different journeys, and you never know where, exactly, your neighbor is on theirs.

This week, I want to discuss a conversation I had Sunday, March 1st, that almost took me back to a seriously dark space. I thank God for keeping his hand on me while I chose to venture off into this world alone. Ready to explore? Indulge and Enjoy!

…

About a month ago, I prayed and I told God I loved Him. I told Him I love Him, but this life was too hard for me. I told Him I wasn’t leaving Him, but I needed to do a few things my way. He begged me to reconsider by shielding me from the very things my flesh desired. But, I refused. So he wrapped his arms around me, told me He loves me and will always be here when I needed Him. As I walked out the door, He asked me if I had my key, just in case, I changed my mind. I smiled and said “I do,” knowing I left it in the middle of my neatly made bed…

…

So foreign, yet so familiar… I sit at my desk daydreaming of the trouble I can get myself into tonight. I’ve been released, released from the conviction of my fleshly desires. I can live in this world and be free of the weight of being the perfectly imperfect Christian. My struggles can become my struggles in private again. I don’t want to be seen as a “Church Girl,” or a “PK– Preacher’s Kid.” I wanted to be the version of me that was innocent in the light and full of sin in the dark. The version of me that men lust after, regardless of their relationship status, and I’d play eeny-meeny-miny-moe to select the one I’d spend some time with…

So familiar, yet so foreign… I sit and wonder why the excitement of spending the night with a man I’ve known for, ehh maybe 3 days doesn’t shoot through my body like it used to. As the Spirit whispers to my heart, “Come home, this isn’t you, Never was you…” I try to shake the feeling… My brain keeps repeating, “I can do this, this is me…” The feeling just won’t go away. So, torn between the two, I call and cancel my plans, explaining something came up. But, I extend an invitation to reschedule…

…

Everything is so innocent… My emotions are completely out of whack. I’m acting before thinking and somewhere in my irrational mind, it all makes sense. I’m forcing myself to believe, all is well, because… well… I mean, it’s the easiest thing to do. Who wants to admit their soul is at war with their flesh, for their salvation, and at the present moment their flesh is winning? Who wants to tell the world they intentionally walked away from a life of growth, and prosperity for failure and stagnation. But, my Father said I can come home whenever I want, right? I wonder if he meant it… Yeah, I think I’m ready to go home… Shoot, I can’t even do that, because I left my key in the middle of my neatly made bed…

Innocent is everything… He’s so adorable… I’ve brushed him off for months, yet, he still reaches out almost daily. Persistence! I like that. Plus, it’s just conversation, what harm can it do? But, his conversation activates something in me that I’ve desired for so long. Intimacy! My mind has been craving an intellectual conversation with an attractive man who knows God. Or does God just know him? WHO CARES! We’re definitely entertaining this… I won’t let it go too far, I promise… But, then that voice in my brain begins to remind me, “I can do this, this is me…”

…

“You can tell your Dad has always given you everything you ask for,” the assumption pierced my ears like nails on a chalkboard. Immediately, the insecurities of not having my dad growing up flooded my spirit. Defense rises, as I prepare to let this man know exactly what my Dad has done for me. As I open my mouth, my soul calms my mind. My hardened heart softens. My words retreat from the tip of my tongue. “He meant your Father… Your heavenly Father,” a familiar voice whispers in my ear as tears begin to fill my eyes, “Come home…”

But, I don’t have my key… How will I get in? My Father is the busiest being I know. There’s no way He will be sitting in the house waiting for me. “Come home,” the voice repeats, no explanation nor hesitation. How? How can I get home? I walk into my room, look at my neatly made bed, and right in the middle of the pillows, it was there. My Bible. How did I not notice I had my key all along? I climb in my bed and flip to my favorite scripture, 1 John 3:1.

…

See what great love the Father has lavished on us, that we should be called children of God! And that is what we are! The reason the world does not know us is that it did not know Him.

…

As I lay in bed wondering what my Father thinks about my return, I hear a confident, secure, stern, yet understanding voice whisper, “Welcome home, My child.” My heart reverts to a posture of worship and reverence. You’re here? You waited for me! You knew I had my key this entire time, yet You still waited here for me! I love you Abba…

“I love you too, my little headstrong bull, he says as he kisses my forehead. “When you choose to leave I worry. I worry at how long it will take you to find your way back. This month felt like 3 years for me. Please don’t leave again.” He pleads with me to stay safe in the home He’s built for us. “But, if you do choose to leave know this My child: You have left Me, I have not, nor will I ever leave you. I will always be here, waiting for you to use your key…”

…

(All new journeys will be uploaded Saturdays by 12:30 EST)

I am BEAUTIFUL. I am PASSIONATE. I will LOVE.

February’s Favorite Moment

Hey Family! Can y’all believe we are already wrapping up the 4th week of February? I mean, this year is flying by! This week is supposed to be a recap of the month, but honestly, I’m not in the mood for a recap.

Don’t get me wrong, February has been beautiful. I just don’t particularly feel like reciting all the blessings the month has showered on me. So, instead, I want to share what’s on my heart. Let’s explore. Indulge & Enjoy!!

…

This month I have met/reconnected with some interesting people. I’ve had some amazing activities transpire. And, I’ve had some wonderful conversations (at work and just out and about). One of my favorite conversations came from a series of text messages.

Here I am, at work passing the time asking questions to someone I’ve actually known for years, but just recently reconnected with. It became fun because they actually seemed genuine in what my answers were. See, most people enjoy talking about themselves, therefore, when you ask them a question they never give you a chance to answer that question. This conversation was entirely different.

After a series of questions, I decided to ask them what their idea of a perfect day would be. They gave me two scenarios, which were both really dope. But then, I was asked to answer the question… Check-out what came to mind…

My perfect day would be waking up, in my husband’s arms, to our children rummaging through the kitchen cabinets. As I try to get out of bed, without waking him, he pulls me closer and kisses me on the back of my neck. I giggle, telling him I have to check on our babies and he says something slick like “I’m trying to check on my baby, but she won’t be still…” we tease each other back and forth for a little, then I get up and take care of the little ones.

I cook breakfast and begin to make plates. But, instead of eating at the kitchen table, the kids decide Daddy should have breakfast in bed. So, we go wake him up, and sit in bed while eating blueberry pancakes, bacon, eggs, grits, and fruit. Of course, the kids made a mess but no one yells no one is upset we just enjoy our family time.

Finally, we’re up dressed and ready to start our day of exploring. We take the kids to a museum or the zoo and take what feels like a billion pictures to add to our photo albums. Once the kids are exhausted, we take them to their grandparents’ house so mommy and daddy can have some quality time together.

Hubby decides he wants to go out so we go home and get fancy on ‘em. I slip on a little black dress (skin glowing). Looking through the closet for the perfect shoes, I decide on some red pumps. As I’m standing in the mirror admiring my outfit and flawless makeup, my husband walks up behind me… Wrapping his arms around my waist, and kissing my neck, he whispers in my ear how beautiful I am. As I feel him raising my already short dress, I know our plans have changed… We never made it to our destination…

…

(All new journeys will be uploaded Saturdays by 12:30 EST)

I am BEAUTIFUL. I am PASSIONATE. I will LOVE.

A Love Letter (Third)

Happy Black History Month! Happy National Love Month! Happy whatever you may be celebrating month! Regardless of what this month means to you, enjoy it! Life is entirely too short to be unhappy!

This month, forget all the negative voices, replaying in your head, and do what makes you happy! Welcome to our first official Creative Writing journey! This week, I want to focus on the love this month represents, for most, and write a love letter. Let’s explore. Indulge & Enjoy!

…

Hey You,

There are so many things I want to say to you, I just don’t have the words. Usually, when I write to you, the words flow from my soul, like rain falling in Spring. But, this time it seems like Spring in California. A feeling of nervousness has washed over me. Uncertainty is attempting to cancel out the security, thoughts of you bring me.

I’ve made so many mistakes, in my past, and though I’ve forgiven myself (and I know the Father has forgiven me also), thoughts of you knowing the WHOLE truth have consumed me lately. Don’t get me wrong, I know you’re a very understanding loving man, yet, I also know I’m going to have quite a bit of explaining to do.

I fear some of the events in my past will cause us to have serious doubts about walking down the aisle. I think about our marriage counseling sessions, and see the pain in your eyes as I tell you about moments I’ve never said out loud. As you begin to cry, my heart breaks, fearing you will call the wedding off and walk away from me completely. But, there’s still more to tell you.

You see, as your wife, I never want to put you in a shameful situation. I never want someone to be able to tell you about me. So, while sharing the most intimate details of my sex life may be breaking your heart, at least you’re hearing them from me.

I said all of this to say, I can’t change the choices of my past, however, every day I’m doing the work in preparation of being the perfect wife for you (Please realize, I did not say I would be the perfect wife.). I will never stop working to better us in all aspects of our lives.

I guess I used all these words to say, I’m writing this letter feeling unqualified to be your wife. What I know is, unlike our love for one another, this feeling is temporary.

I love you.

…

(All new journeys will be uploaded Saturdays by 12:30 EST)

I am BEAUTIFUL. I am PASSIONATE. I will LOVE.

He Chose Me

What’s up, family? Welcome to our first Spiritual journey. Here is where I explore my raw, uncensored, and sometimes uneasy walk of faith, with you all. If you’ve been exploring with me for a while, then you know I’m a Christian. You also know I’ve made a multitude of mistakes in my life, and though I strive to be more like Christ daily, I’m still a very flawed human being.

On these journeys, you will get to see me pour my passion into my faith. You will see first hand the common misconception, “being a Christian is easy,” be discredited. It’s a daily struggle to be in the flesh, but not live in the flesh. So, like any other journey we explore, I promise to be as transparent as possible.

Now that all of the formalities are out of the way, get ready to explore! Indulge & Enjoy!

…

It feels weird lying here, desperately knowing this is not where I belong… In this bed, my bed, with this man I know, but don’t really know… In his arms, declaring my love for this man I don’t even really care to know. Is he my husband? The answer is no. But, I refuse to loosen his grip on me and tell him he needs to go… Why? Because sinnings no fun alone.

As he sleeps peacefully, I lay there… Wondering if he feels the warm tears sliding down my cheek, gently dripping on his bicep. No, he didn’t hurt me. Nothing happened tonight that I didn’t want to happen. Honestly, if you ask him, I’m sure he’ll tell you I initiated it… And we definitely had a good time. So why am I crying?

…

Praise and Worship was amazing… I’ve never known Your presence to be so strong. Or maybe I didn’t want to. I feel You moving within me. I know You’re trying to show me, there’s an easier way to do this thing called life. I just don’t think I’m ready… I’ll see You soon… I love you.

…

It feels strange to be back here again. A different man. No he’s not my husband, but let’s just pretend… I never knew I could love someone as much as I love him. No, I don’t know much about him but who cares? He’s my everything. I feel like I can’t breathe without him. If I give him my all, and do exactly what he asks of me, maybe he’ll stay.

As he sleeps peacefully, I lay in his arms, wondering when the tears will fall. They never come… As anger washes over me, his embrace begins to become cold. Attempting to calm the anger, I think about things he and I have in common. There are none. Wait maybe there are… Maybe it’s just, we haven’t had enough conversations to connect them. Or, maybe this is not where I belong…

…

Man, the Preacher was on point! You showed up and showed out! I haven’t heard preaching like that since my Granddaddy died. I never knew Your voice could be so loud. Or maybe I didn’t want too. I hear You speaking to me. I know You’re trying to show me, there’s an easier way to do this thing called life. I just don’t think im ready… I’ll see You soon… I love you.

…

It feels uncomfortable to be here once more. My body pressed against his, as my mind wanders somewhere far away pretending he’s not a different man (yes a different man). Of course he’s not my husband, but what if he was? How would that sound? Alyshia-Mae… Wait, what is his last name? Did even tell me? Did I even tell him my real name? Oh my goodness, he thinks my real name is Keisha…

As he sleeps peacefully, the war within my mind rages on. What number is he? Please don’t make me count. As the rage build up to tears as a voice yells out, “You’re ruining your life!” I yell back to the voice in my head,“Don’t judge me.” Wait, both voices were my own. So, am i judging myself? WHAT IS GOING ON! This is definitely not where I belong.

…

“Is there anyone here that has not accepted the Lord as their Savior?” Please don’t make me. You asked me to come… I came. You asked me to open my heart… I opened it… Now you’re asking me to surrender my life to you? I just dont think im ready… I’ll see You- – -..

….

It feels strange standing in the second to last row of this Church, confessing to the congregation words that my mind aren’t processing. Everything seems random, yet perfect. Tears stream down my face, as my soul reminds my lungs to breathe. But isn’t that my brains responsibility? “Yes, but I had to turn it off, I needed you to hear Me…”

God? Is that really you? “Yes My child, don’t be afraid” But, I’m still not ready! I’m too dirty to serve you… “Give your life back to Me and I’ll wash you clean as new.” But, I’m not ready- -… “My child, I created you. I know you’re every move. I know your thoughts before you think them. I know what you’ve been through. Please trust Me, you are ready.” I’m not ready… I’m not qualified… Pick someone else…

…

I confess with my mouth, Jesus is Lord. I believe with my heart, God raised Him from the dead… I give the life You breathed into me back to You. I ask that You use me to edify Your Kingdom. I am Yours. My life is Yours. I still don’t think I’m ready, and if I keep waiting, I never will be.

(All new journeys will be uploaded Saturdays by 12:30 EST)

I am BEAUTIFUL. I am PASSIONATE. I will LOVE.