Closing the Gap

It’s been so long, since I’ve sat down and wrote what was genuinely on my heart. You know, letting you all in, without limitation, fear, or regret. Showing you, the depths of my heart, without caring if you’ll accept me or not. Honestly, a part of me wonders if I can go back to being that free. The other part wonders what happened to me…

How did I go from sharing my life lessons, to hiding in silence? From just wanting to leave a positive imprint on this world, to running from my calling… From knowing my value, to questioning the currency… From standing up for the voiceless, to becoming one of the voiceless… What happened to me…?

Beautiful. Passionate. Love. turned two on October 9th, 2020. I know, I should have at least celebrated this milestone with you all, however, why celebrate what’s dead. That’s right…I said it. She was dead to me. Full transparency, I thought about shutting the site down the same day she turned two.

You see, when I stopped exploring with you all, it wasn’t planned nor was it by choice. Hell, I don’t even think it really hit me that I had stopped until about 3 weeks after not posting. I can’t even tell you how many journeys I started but couldn’t finish. How many nights I thought about chapters of my life I should share but couldn’t find the words. So I just stopped…

If you’ve ever been passionate about anything, you know not having access to that [thing] can be traumatic. Well, to be a writer with no words is literally heart breaking. Writing is not only how I communicate, it’s how I de-stress. It’s how I come to grips with whatever the world throws at me. When I lost my words I lost my voice, so I saw no point in continuing Beautiful. Passionate. Love..

So, for months now, I’ve been silent… I’ve been fearful… I’ve been disengaged… And, I’ve been embarrassed… I’ve severed potential business opportunities because I couldn’t see past my self doubt. I’ve caused damage to friendships and family bonds because I couldn’t see my value. I stopped hanging out, and started staying in, all because I didn’t know how to write (or even scream) one word… “HELP.”

H.E.L.P. Why does this word choke me up and shut down every path of effective communication? What am I so afraid to reach out? And, what do I need help with? Pshh… I wish I had the answer to all three questions. I don’t. I wish I could just wake up tomorrow and this miserable feeling would magically be washed away. Because we all know this isn’t possible, I have to choose to push through. But, how?

Emotionally, I am hurting. Mentally, I am confused. Physically, I am living my best life. What I seek is balance. I want to say I’m doing well and genuinely mean it. I want to be able to say the issues I’ve had with my mother and father are behind me. I want to be a cycle breaker for my family…

I’ve been thinking about what I can do, to position myself to regain my stability in life. Honestly, I still don’t have the answer. I mean I’m looking into the obvious suggestions (i.e. therapy, prayer, journaling), however, I know those alone won’t work for me. A part of my healing has been this platform. Therefore, I have to find my words and continue to share openly and honestly with you all.

With that being said, I am so glad to announce we will be exploring together twice a month. At this time, I do feel Saturday’s are best. I’m thinking, the 1st and 3rd Saturday of each month! Thank you all for continuing to explore with me.

I love y’all!

(All new journeys will be uploaded the 1st and 3rd Saturday of each month by 12:30 EST)

I am BEAUTIFUL. I am PASSIONATE. I will LOVE.

One Last Goodbye…

B.P.L. Family!! My goodness how I’ve missed you! Yes I know it’s been a little over two months. And yes, I know most of you thought our journeys were over. But, WE ARE BACK!

We’re definitely going to start off slow with more of a free form flow until I get back into the swing of things. Thank you so much for being so patient with me and know, I love and appreciate you all!

Ready to explore? Indulge and Enjoy!

I allowed you to penetrate the depths of my heart, expecting you’d know how to handle it this time. But, you didn’t. I held on to every word you said, imagining them all coming true. But, they never will. I was open… More open than I’ve ever been with anyone before because I knew you knew where I came from…

You knew the little girl that hated herself. You knew the childish teen that used her body to feel a love she could never find. You knew the young woman that would give anything in that world to be beautiful. An, yet, you loved her. You loved her through her pain and you pushed her to genuinely love herself. So, I just wanted to show you the love you once showed me.

Allow me to caress that pain, lying beneath the smile you wear daily, pretending everything’s just fine. Let me wash away the feeling of doubt, written in the wrinkles of your forehead, you think no one sees. Allow me to serenade you with stories and fantasies of a life together, as you drift into a deep slumber. Relax baby boy, I’ve got you.

You want me to wait? I’ll wait for you. I’ve been waiting for yo-… Hold on… Wait, why the hell didn’t you wait for me? You could have waited. Love… True love… Would have waited for us to actually finish before moving on. Before getting married. But now, four months before your two year wedding anniversary you want to tell me you’re still in love with me.

Yeah yeah yeah. You waited to tell me because the timing wasn’t right. But what’s so right about this timing? NOT A DAMN THING! But, it’s you and I’m the new me so let me allow you a moment to explain yourself. Go ahead, I’m listening… Right, now you don’t know what to say. Well, I’ll help you get started.

Start with the fact that you’re still the young man I fell in love with all those years ago. Having virtual relationships and promising women stuff you know you don’t plan to give them. You see, what family and friends didn’t know was, when we were together you did that dumb shit to me. I remember the messages in your phone. I remember crying because you just didn’t “know what to say.” So we stayed together…

Here’s something you can say… Tell me about your brokenness. Tell me that you’re so broken you don’t know where to start unpacking. Talk about how you pour all of your time and energy into fixing someone else because you’re afraid to heal yourself. That’s the key as to why you’re not “happy” in your marriage.

I’m so happy, conversation was all I was able to provide you in your time of unhappiness. I’m so happy, I’ve grown from being the Side Chick, I was once so very comfortable being. I’m so happy, for the reality check I so desperately needed to break me from the fantasy land I resided in, with you.

I’m so happy…

I’m so happy…

I’m so so happy…

I bet you’re wondering why I’m so happy, huh? Well, I’m happy to finally close the door on the last piece of my past that was haunting me. I’m happy, my heart is still pure and as genuine as before we met. I’m happy, I learned to love myself like no other will ever be able to. And, finally I’m so happy to know you never genuinely loved me. Now, I can stop comparing every man that has interest in me to a young love that simply never used to be.

And no, this time around, we cannot be friends.

God Bless & Goodbye…

I am BEAUTIFUL. I am PASSIONATE. I will LOVE.