A Love Letter (First)

~ Hey Hey Family! Before we do anything, I need to say HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO MY BEAUTIFUL MOTHER!! This post isn’t about her, however, I definitely have to give a shutout to my biggest supporter. Mommy, I love you and pray this birthday is magical! Thank you, for always supporting me in all I do.

Alright, back to our journey, I pray this week left you at perfect peace with the events of your past! For me, this week has been… well, futuristically romantic is the only way I can think to explain it… Anywho, I’m so excited to share with you!! Are you ready to explore together? Let’s dive in! Indulge and Enjoy!! ~

Dear Husband,

As I sit and think of you, I am forced to think about the “boyfriends” I’ve tried to force in your place. Sorrowed fills my heart, at the thought of giving up on you for the instant gratification of what this generation calls love. I’m embarrassed at how impatient I’ve been. I’m terrified by how careless and vein I’ve become. And, I owe you an apology…

First, allow me to apologize for pushing us further apart. I’ve allowed us to remain strangers, by operating in fear. Out of selfishness, I refused to properly prepare for you. Loneliness became my excuse for not working on me. Fatherlessness, became the crutch explaining the men I choose to give myself to, knowing they would never compare to you.

Next, I need to apologize for not loving myself the way you love me. Randomly throughout my life, when at my lowest moments, I feel a wave of love shower over me. I know it’s you praying for me. I know it’s you begging got to show me how much you love me. And, I know you’re asking God to reveal me to you. I also know, God is explaining to you, “She’s not ready yet, my son.”

I want to apologize for my lack of prayer for you. In the chaotic world we are forced to live in, we need as many believers praying for us as possible. As your future best friend and wife, I should be lifting you up before God daily. I should be praying for your strength in God to live out your destiny. And praying, somewhere soon in your destiny, you’ll be led to me.

I want you to know, I have been working on me for some time now. I’ve been learning how to love me, all of me. By learning to love me, I can now begin loving you. I cherish the process I’m in because I know we’re being pulled closer together. And, if this letter finds you in sadness, heartbreak, or disarray, I’m asking you to smile. Smile knowing this is simply a valley in the journey that will, one day soon, unite you and me.

Until we meet, know I sincerely love you,

Signed: Your partner in Christ

Your future best friend,

Your biggest supporter,

Your Wife…

Marriage is a commitment I’ve wanted since I was a child. Call me old school, however, I don’t plan on having children until after I’m married. What I don’t believe is, my husband will make me whole. God is the only being that can complete me. My husband, however, he will make me stronger in Christ. He will enhance my strengths, and except my flaws while helping me to become an even better woman of God. And, I will do the same for him.

Start praying for your future spouse, the same emotions you deal with are the same ones he/she is going through. The longer we sit in our mess, the further we become from our spouse. Stop cheating yourself and your future spouse…

As always, feel free to ask questions and/or leave feedback in the comments section.

(All new post will be uploaded Saturdays by 12:30 EST)

I am BEAUTIFUL. I am PASSIONATE. I will LOVE.

I’ve Got Us From Here

~Hey Beautiful People! It’s been a crazy week but we’ve made it! I’m sure something about this week wasn’t perfect but, it’s over and, we can’t change it now so, why are you still worrying? Take a deep breath and get ready to embark on this journey! Indulge & Enjoy!~

Dear Beautiful Little Girl,

Knowing you, you’re probably locked in your room reading a book or journaling a plan for the future. I’m sorry to interrupt your flow, however, can I have just five minutes of your time? I’ve been trying to find the best way to articulate how I feel to you and, it finally hit me, you find power in words.

My soul has been begging me to reach out to you, I couldn’t figure out why so, I refused. (Yes, I’m still stubborn.) This week, however, I’ve been emotionally cornered and I knew the only way out was to write to you. So, here I am. I guess the very first thing I want to say to you is, YOUR BEAUTY IS RADIANT.

Sweet baby, the next time you look in the mirror I want you to count every freckle on your face, love them all because there’s more to come. Look at your lips, the natural lip liner that traces them, and know they are perfect. Touch the noes that your friends call a bell pepper and you refer to as Squidward, now, embrace how your nostrils flare when you’re angry. Caress your stomach as your eyes focus in, turn to the side, I need you to see the beauty in your shape. Whenever you look in the mirror I want you to know, the features you deem flaws, are actually what make you flawless.

Your name is your identity, chosen specifically for you! It’s just as unique as your blossoming personality. Yes, I know it’s long and spelling it takes forever but, I need you to promise me you will wear your name proudly. Nicknames are fun from the right people (friends and family) but, stop allowing people to shorten your name, justifying it by saying “it’s too long.” Stop allowing them to shame you into changing the very characteristics that make you unique.

I need to tell you I LOVE YOU! Right now you feel you don’t deserve to be loved. If we’re being honest, most times you’d rather not be loved because you’ve been conditioned to view love negatively. Love is not a curse word. Sweetheart, the sooner you accept that you are loveable, the sooner we can both enjoy being loved. This will be difficult because you have to shift your way of thinking. Love has nothing to do with sexual contact, that’s actually lust. You and I both know why you see love the way you do, however, I give you permission to press reset and learn what real love is.

Your yesterday will define you for as long as you allow it to. So, today I beg you to let it all go. You hide behind books because you feel your damage is visible to the world, it isn’t. You hang your head low because you feel the people around you are blaming you, they aren’t. Stop blaming yourself for the unfortunate events that continuously try to steal your joy. Hold your head high and, take back your childhood! Go to the park, play tag with the neighborhood kids. (Yes, I know, the boy in the light green house has a crush on you… it’s okay… I promise he won’t hurt you.)

I want to THANK YOU, for never leaving me. Baby girl (I know how much you hate to be called that… remember, we’re moving on), you have been here with me through everything and I am so appreciative, however, its time for you to retire. You’ve done everything you can to keep us safe. You grew up way to fast, sacrificing your childhood to protect us. Aren’t you tired? You stay up all night and worry. You’re alert all day, still worrying. It’s finally you’re time to rest. I want to give you your childhood. I want you to stop worrying. I need you to step down.

I’ve got us from here little one. I can picture the emotion on your face. You’re hurt, you feel like I’m pushing you away, I’m not. I am, however, asking you to be the child you never got to be emotionally and mentally. I need you to know it’s for our own good. Now you can enjoy our adolescent years. Get out of the house, play, color, go on an adventure, make memories to last forever. I’m not afraid anymore, I can guard us now. I’m not asking you to go away, I’m just asking you to switch places with me. Let me drive while you ride shotgun. I PROMISE we’re going to be just fine…

Relax angel and trust me the way I’ve trusted you all these years.

I LOVE YOU FOREVER.

Thank you, as always, for embarking on this amazingly rewarding journey with me!

Feel free to ask questions and/or leave feedback in the comments section.

(All new post will be uploaded Saturdays by 12:30 EST)

I am BEAUTIFUL. I am PASSIONATE. I will LOVE.

Mending the Past

~Hey Family! Notice anything different? This week has been a beautiful mess! While writing this post, I questioned how ready I was to share this stage of my journey. The final decision was to share because anyone embarking on this journey with me deserves transparency and truth. I honestly pray you CAN’T relate and learn from my mistakes. 

Before we dive in, I promised you all a therapy update! Even though there’s not much to share, I want to keep my promise. It was a really comforting first session. Definitely informative, we talked about a little of everything. I’m not going to say I left feeling awesome because I didn’t. When I left, I was in deep reflection of my past. I guess that’s where this blog stems from… Indulge and enjoy!~

The hardest part of this journey is admitting how much destruction I’ve caused people around me. I’m being forced to reflect on circumstances that I’ve become numb to. Acknowledging that I was a horrible friend. Take ownership of my actions and how it changed the position I held in their lives.  Allowing them to tell THEIR TRUTHS without taking offense. Asking for forgiveness with no expectation of receiving it. And, allowing them the time they need to reflect and decide they are willing to allow me access to their lives again. 

I’m being forced to humble myself and put my ego aside. I can’t approach the conversations in defense mode. I have to be silent and really hear how I hurt some of my closest friends, my best friends even. Realizing that even if they choose to forgive me, they may never allow me to be as close as I once was. 

Keeping it real, I was blessed with some amazing friends! Like my best female friend, I mean at this point she’s my sister, but she has been to hell and back with me. Granted throughout the time we’ve been in each other’s lives (10+ years) we’ve had some amazing times! We were each other’s support systems. Because of the points we were in our personal lives, we supported each other in different ways. I was her physical support (like helping with my niece), but she supported me emotionally. 

Emotional support sounds easy, right? WRONG! She had to deal with my raw emotion, which isn’t pretty at all, trust me. She was the call that was made 2 seconds after my heart was broken, or in the midst of making a dumb decision. My voice of reason. But, what happens when you’re too broken to accept words of wisdom. You run…

Her life became my personal revolving door, popping in and out when convenient. No matter how many times I disappeared she was always there with open arms to deal with my next crisis. Sometimes, I ran because I didn’t know how to sit and listen when she needed me, other times I ran because I knew she was telling me the right thing to do.

The last time I walked away was in early 2017. When I came back, late December 2017, I found out I have a nephew!  I was shocked, confused, heartbroken even. I couldn’t believe it had been that long, but I had missed 9+ months. She welcomed me back but it took us a long time to “get close” again. We had a lot of generic conversations in the beginning. And, I know she would deny it however, I believe my inconsistency is a part of the reason why I didn’t meet my nephew (in person) until just a few days ago.  I honestly can’t blame her though. 

Though I’m so thankful she accepted me back into her life, everyone isn’t that easy to forgive. If they do forgive, they aren’t that quick to move forward. I met my female best friend through her brother, my male best friend.  We connected my freshman year of high school. He knew everything there was to know about me. Literally the ONLY guy my mom would let me hang out with.

Our friendship took a lot of twist and turns, we always bounced back though. Well, when I move to Georgia, we’ll talk about this soon, I was so damaged that I allowed what I knew to be altered. Our entire friendship became blurry. I allowed my male best friend to be portrayed as my enemy.  Instead of standing firmly in the facts, I built up anger, hate, and rage for someone I once loved.  That caused me 4 years and counting of friendship with him. I finally reached out to him and we talked for about 2 hours.

The end result being he forgives me but doesn’t know if he wants me in his life. He’s unsure if mending the past is worth it at this point. For me, I understand why he’s so hesitant, I just want him to be able to enjoy my healthiness the way he had to deal with my pain. Did I tell him that? Of course, however, he is a strong-minded person and there is nothing I can say or do to sway his thoughts. I have accepted that there is nothing further I can do and, I can’t make the decision for him. I will respect whatever decision he chooses. 

To think about all the lives impacted by my insecurities is overwhelming at times. I wish I could sit down and genuinely apologize to each and every one of them. I understand and accept that I could only offer them who I was in that moment. It just saddens me to know that all I could offer was brokenness…

You know what to do from here! Feel free to ask questions and/or leave feedback in the comments section. Don’t forget to like us on Facebook!

Beautiful Passionate Love

(All new post will be uploaded Saturdays by 12:30 EST)

I am BEAUTIFUL. I am PASSIONATE. I will LOVE.