Big Girls Don’t Cry – Beautiful. Passionate. Love.

IT’S OUR ANNIVERSARY!!

Yes! We have been exploring together for exactly ONE YEAR today! Man, I can’t even believe it! I mean I literally remember sitting at my desk (at work) wondering if I should even embark on this journey. I promise I’m so glad I did!

Journeying with you all has taught me so much about myself! I mean, this month last year, God revealed, I knew absolutely nothing about Alyshia-Mae. He showed me, in order to move forward, I had to look backward one last time. So, I chose to do the work! I’m still doing the work… I will forever be doing this work!

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Wow! How did I miss the significance of this month? I’m celebrating our first year together while getting settled into an entirely new state! You all journeyed with me through my first trip to Kentucky! Christmas of last year! Now, I live here!!! On top of all that, 2 years ago, on October 6th, 2017, I accepted Christ as my Lord and Savior! As you can see, October has been HUGE for me these last couple of years.

Prior to this realization, I use to HATE the month of October! I mean between, clowns, vampires, bats, and zombies, I felt I couldn’t leave the house without being scared out of my mind. I would make sure to be locked in my home before dark and to turn off all the lights on Halloween, to ensure no one knocks on my door. Now, I just feel free. I’m amazed at how God will use a month I dread to bring me back to life! I’m so excited to see how He reveals Himself, even further, to me in this beautiful month!

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Are y’all ready to explore on a deeper level? Throughout this last year, I’ve learned to accept all aspects of my past. With me being comfortable with, and accepting my past, it opens up an entirely deeper, more intimate level of exploring!

It’s a beautiful feeling to not fear judgment. To know who you are, in the Father. To accept your mistakes and FORGIVE YOURSELF, as you ask for forgiveness. I thank God for the person I am today, and am ecstatic to pursue Him on an even deeper level throughout this next year of journeying!

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I want to take the time out to say THANK YOU ALL!! From the ones who have been with me since Taking a Chance, to the ones who are journeying with us for the first time today, and everyone in between… I LOVE YOU!

I appreciate you, you don’t know how much it means to know I have family in 56 DIFFERENT COUNTRIES. This is only the beginning! I am enthusiastic to see what this next year brings!!

Please note we will not be exploring this Saturday (10/12). I have to get some things situated here in Kentucky. We will be back to our normal schedule the following Saturday (10/19).

Stay tuned as I continue…

“Working on me- While sharing with you!”

I love y’all!

As always, feel free to ask questions and/or leave feedback in the comments section.

(All new journeys will be uploaded Saturdays by 12:30 EST)

I am BEAUTIFUL. I am PASSIONATE. I will LOVE.

~Hello Beautiful People! I pray your week has been full of blessings and love. It’s that time again! Take a break and go on a journey with me. Indulge and enjoy!~

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At a very young age, writing (especially poetry) became an outlet for me, I would never let people read my work though. My writing wasn’t a secret, the topics, however, were very up close and personal for me. I would write about the situations I was too afraid to tell my Mom, the conversations that made me cry myself to sleep at night, the thoughts that constantly tormented my mind.

One day, someone told me “…don’t ever write something you aren’t ready for the world to see…” I don’t remember who I was talking to or the context of this conversation but, this one line has followed me my entire life. Along with not remembering the full conversation, also I don’t know what the individual was trying to tell me. My mind interpreted the statement to mean, “Once your thoughts are on paper you don’t have full control of them anymore…” I do know, after this conversation my writing slowed down drastically. I no longer trusted the pen to accurately write my feelings or paper to keep my secrets.

Not having a pen and paper as my confidant was rough. It’s like getting into a fight with your best friend, you want to call them but, are worried they are still upset. I would fight back in forth in my mind on writing down my thoughts but, I was too paranoid that somehow my secrets would get out. That’s when a friend introduced the idea of writing down thoughts and ripping them to pieces at the end. I tried it but, I felt and still feel by ripping the pages up when I’m done, I am discrediting and devaluing my own feelings and emotions.

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Now, I’m back to not writing at all. I felt my frustration level increasing every day I wasn’t writing but, what was I suppose to do? I couldn’t just sit down and talk about what was bothering me, people couldn’t be trusted. So, I decided to hold everything in. When someone asks how I was doing I would say fine, put on that fake smile we all have, and keep it moving. The more I did this, the more people saw me as “angry,” or having an “attitude.”

Side Note: The most frustrating feeling in the world is being asked why you’re angry when you’re not. Or to lose the attitude when you don’t have one. It makes you angry and creates the very attitude you’re trying to prove you don’t have.

But, all of the people asking me “Why do you always look so angry,” can’t be making it up, right? Why am I coming across so upset… am I actually upset? How can they see anger but they can’t sadness, pain, or even frustration? This week, I was looking for something in my email and came across a folder of poetry I wrote years ago. This particular poem proves while everyone saw anger and attitude, I actually felt fear and even abandonment. Take a look…

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Big Girls Don’t Cry
I’m afraid to show you I cry,
I don’t want you to think I’m soft,
I don’t want you to push me off,
That’s why I’m afraid to show you I cry…
I’m afraid to show you I cry
Because I’m strong,
I can take care of myself,
I need no one’s help,
That’s why I’m afraid to show you I cry…
I’m afraid to show you I cry,
I don’t want to trust you
Because I know you’ll walk away,
I’ll show you my true feelings if you promise to stay…
That’s why I’m afraid to cry.
-03-09-09

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Truth? I was… No, I AM, also angry. I’m angry because, with all the emotions I possess, all they see is anger. I’m angry because I’m holding years of hurt and pain. I’m angry because I feel my voice has been silenced the majority of my life. I’m angry because there’s a monsoon swirling around in my head that has nowhere to go. I’m angry because anger is the easiest to show, its the emotion I see the most.

While blogging has been the most rewarding start to this journey, it is by far the only step needed. I have decided to take the next step…therapy. Yes, you read it correctly, therapy. Yes, I am well aware of the stigma surrounding therapy/counseling, especially in the black community and, no, I’m not crazy. I have to unpack all these years of just letting life happen.

What does that mean for Beautiful. Passionate. Love? More transparency! I will continue posting every Saturday, you’ll just get to see more of me. As I unpack in therapy, I’ll share it with you! This does mean you will feel more emotions in my writing. I will be discussing topics that I have never shared, with anyone, before. Some will be as hard for you to read as they are for me to write. What I will ask is that you all continue to respect my decision to be fully transparent in telling my truth. I am excited to voyage deeper into this journey.

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With next week being Thanksgiving there will NOT be a post next Saturday, November 24th. Remember to be thankful for whatever you’ve been blessed with and have a very Happy Thanksgiving! I love and appreciate you all.

As always, feel free to ask questions and/or leave feedback in the comments section. Don’t forget to like us on Facebook!

Beautiful Passionate Love

(All new post will be uploaded Saturdays by 12:30 EST)

I am BEAUTIFUL. I am PASSIONATE. I will LOVE.