Letting Go

…Closure is just an excuse to hold on to what’s no longer for you…

-Someone’s Twitter account

Man, those words hit so hard when I read them. I mean, I felt as though the author pried into my deepest thoughts, reviewed the intimate details of my most recent lov- no, lust connection, and saw how my heart was begging for answers it will never receive.

What happened? Why is he so upset? How do I fix it? What did I even do? How can he just ignore me like this? Is it really over? No, it can’t be… I’ll do anything to fix this… PLEASE JUST TALK TO ME!!!

Once done invading my mind, the writer of this tweet, must have felt overwhelmed, emotionally drained, and utterly confused. Instead of smacking the hell out of me and telling me to get a grip, she formed a tweet gracefully telling me to let it go! I’m so grateful I stumbled across those words.

Honestly, the details of what happened don’t matter. What’s important is I was so intrigued by the attention I was getting from this young man, I didn’t realize I had literally allowed my life to be consumed, in a very unhealthy way. I mean, we would literally talk all day, only giving each other maybe 3 hours of “me” time.

When we weren’t talking to each other, on the phone, we were enjoying one another’s company in person. We even fell asleep on FaceTime together. Honestly, I don’t blame either one of us. This whole COVID life makes it easy to become codependent on someone else’s presence, especially when the chemistry’s there.

One thing’s for sure, there were some red flags that were ignored on both parts. Now, I don’t like to view red flags as bad or negative. For me, they simply allude to incompatibilities between two individuals. In this situation, yes I genuinely cared about him, however, there were several characteristics, I knew weren’t compatible with my personality, but, I chose to overlook them just to have someone around.

Needless to say, we didn’t last long at all. Long story short, after several months of constant communication, he ghosted me. I was completely distraught! I cried off and on the entire weekend. And, when Monday came along, I called in to work just to stay in bed and cry some more.

By the time I woke up, halfway through the day, I was feeling better but still displaced. You see, he filled all of my free time. So with us not talking anymore I was lost. What was I supposed to do to fill that time? That’s when it hit me! While he was a good guy, our connection was toxic. We had no time to live our separate lives.

I wasn’t reading anymore, nor was I writing. I wasn’t even creating new makeup looks. I definitely wasn’t reading my Bible or praying as I should. I simply didn’t have time to. So now that the situationship is over I’m finally getting back to me.

When everything first happened, all I wanted was answers. I wanted to know why I wasn’t good enough. I wanted to know why it was so easy to throw me away. I wanted to “fix” myself to make ”me” better for him. Then, I didn’t care about us fixing things, I just wanted to know why.

But now, I’m so content! I’ve accepted, we simply weren’t compatible and that’s that. I’m overall, grateful for the time we spend together, and wish him nothing but the best. And, I’m so thankful to know, closure is not finding out “why.”

For me, closure is about accepting your uncontrollables, making a conscientious decision to work on your mistakes, and learning when to know the difference. Hmm, that sounds like the Serenity Prayer. Never heard it? Well here, indulge & enjoy!

“God grant me the serenity

To accept the things I cannot change;

Courage to change the things I can;

And wisdom to know the difference.”

(Source: Google)

I love y’all!

(All new journeys will be uploaded the 1st and 3rd Saturday of each month by 12:30 EST)

I am BEAUTIFUL. I am PASSIONATE. I will LOVE.

One Last Goodbye…

B.P.L. Family!! My goodness how I’ve missed you! Yes I know it’s been a little over two months. And yes, I know most of you thought our journeys were over. But, WE ARE BACK!

We’re definitely going to start off slow with more of a free form flow until I get back into the swing of things. Thank you so much for being so patient with me and know, I love and appreciate you all!

Ready to explore? Indulge and Enjoy!

I allowed you to penetrate the depths of my heart, expecting you’d know how to handle it this time. But, you didn’t. I held on to every word you said, imagining them all coming true. But, they never will. I was open… More open than I’ve ever been with anyone before because I knew you knew where I came from…

You knew the little girl that hated herself. You knew the childish teen that used her body to feel a love she could never find. You knew the young woman that would give anything in that world to be beautiful. An, yet, you loved her. You loved her through her pain and you pushed her to genuinely love herself. So, I just wanted to show you the love you once showed me.

Allow me to caress that pain, lying beneath the smile you wear daily, pretending everything’s just fine. Let me wash away the feeling of doubt, written in the wrinkles of your forehead, you think no one sees. Allow me to serenade you with stories and fantasies of a life together, as you drift into a deep slumber. Relax baby boy, I’ve got you.

You want me to wait? I’ll wait for you. I’ve been waiting for yo-… Hold on… Wait, why the hell didn’t you wait for me? You could have waited. Love… True love… Would have waited for us to actually finish before moving on. Before getting married. But now, four months before your two year wedding anniversary you want to tell me you’re still in love with me.

Yeah yeah yeah. You waited to tell me because the timing wasn’t right. But what’s so right about this timing? NOT A DAMN THING! But, it’s you and I’m the new me so let me allow you a moment to explain yourself. Go ahead, I’m listening… Right, now you don’t know what to say. Well, I’ll help you get started.

Start with the fact that you’re still the young man I fell in love with all those years ago. Having virtual relationships and promising women stuff you know you don’t plan to give them. You see, what family and friends didn’t know was, when we were together you did that dumb shit to me. I remember the messages in your phone. I remember crying because you just didn’t “know what to say.” So we stayed together…

Here’s something you can say… Tell me about your brokenness. Tell me that you’re so broken you don’t know where to start unpacking. Talk about how you pour all of your time and energy into fixing someone else because you’re afraid to heal yourself. That’s the key as to why you’re not “happy” in your marriage.

I’m so happy, conversation was all I was able to provide you in your time of unhappiness. I’m so happy, I’ve grown from being the Side Chick, I was once so very comfortable being. I’m so happy, for the reality check I so desperately needed to break me from the fantasy land I resided in, with you.

I’m so happy…

I’m so happy…

I’m so so happy…

I bet you’re wondering why I’m so happy, huh? Well, I’m happy to finally close the door on the last piece of my past that was haunting me. I’m happy, my heart is still pure and as genuine as before we met. I’m happy, I learned to love myself like no other will ever be able to. And, finally I’m so happy to know you never genuinely loved me. Now, I can stop comparing every man that has interest in me to a young love that simply never used to be.

And no, this time around, we cannot be friends.

God Bless & Goodbye…

I am BEAUTIFUL. I am PASSIONATE. I will LOVE.