Okay family, this space is all about transparency, therefore, I have no choice but to be honest… This week has been a STRUGGLE!! I just don’t feel like me. Now, don’t get me wrong, my bills are paid, I’m healthy, my family is well, and I have a roof over my head… I’m blessed! Yet, my confidence has plummeted.
I feel incompetent in everything I do (hair/nail-stylist, writing, singing, as a woman, even as a Christian). My heart is full, and I’m so grateful for where I am in life thus far, but, my soul is burdened. My gifts aren’t fulfilling and my talents don’t feel good enough… I just feel inadequate, so to speak.
Before we continue, I should advise, this feeling is very familiar. Yes, I know exactly what’s going on and why. It seems like every time I’m exactly where God wants me to be, this feeling of sadness and depression tries to consume my life. I begin pulling away from the very blessings I spend countless nights praying for.
Believe it or not, this feeling all surrounds my faith walk. It began just a couple weeks after deciding to not only join the Church, but to become an active member within the body of Christ. Now, the first time this happened was in New York, when I joined a powerful ministry, dedicated to bringing and SPREADING God’s love. The most impactful part of this ministry, for me, was though ”international” is in the name, their focus was right at home!
It’s so unimaginable to realize now what was happening back then, and see it begin to repeat. I remember feeling so alone in that ministry, when literally EVERYONE was pouring love into me. I remember feeling as though the walls were closing in on me, and not trusting anyone enough to tell them what was happening.
I even remember the Pastor prophesying to me, telling me exactly how I felt, but I didn’t feel comfortable enough to tell him I was still dealing with it at that very moment. I had at least three close friends within the ministry that I shared a lot with, but I wouldn’t share this. Instead, I would leave Church, and other events, go home and struggle in silence.
Needless to say, I didn’t make it far in my faith journey. It wasn’t two years before I had fully removed myself from the ministry. So, here I am, almost 3 years later, in a different state, just joined a new ministry, and this feeling of sadness is, literally, attempting to take over my mind while I’m writing this.
It’s strange because I have yet to have a negative interaction with anyone. From the moment I joined, everyone has been so loving and accepting. I mean, I even go to rehearsals when I’m not even on the team. What more could I ask for? So far I love this ministry. And, though I know it won’t always be roses and butterflies, this is where I’m supposed to be.
Honestly, I don’t know how to fix it, however, I know the outcome won’t be the same. I refuse to run from the love and community, God has given me. I’m beyond eager to grow within my faith journey and I know this is the place for me to do so.
To ensure I don’t have the same result, I have to speak up and share what I’m going through. So, here goes nothing!
Thanks for listening.
(All new journeys will be uploaded the 1st and 3rd Saturday of each month by 12:30 EST)
I am BEAUTIFUL. I am PASSIONATE. I will LOVE.