Tearing Down or Building Up

~Happy Father’s Day weekend! What are you all doing to show appreciation for your Fathers? I pray, whatever you decide to do, it’s received with love and appreciation. As for me, this Father’s Day is different. I’m so used to spending Father’s Day in a bitter slumped depression. This year, I’m overjoyed! I did do something special for my Dad. I pray he enjoys it!

Anywho, I’m not ready to open up and share my relationship with my Father with everyone just yet. I mean, I love everything about it, however, it’s still so new to me. I’m choosing to be very selfish when it comes to letting people into our blossoming relationship, and that’s perfectly fine! So, this week, I found a piece I wrote back in 2011 about body image. ( Specifically, how I felt about my body.) I wanted to share it with you all. Ready to journey? Awesome! Indulge & Enjoy.~

Look at me. Do you see me, or do you see me? Can you even tell the difference? Honestly, at this point, I can’t. I walk with pride, my head held high, pressed to the sky so that no one can see my lie. Yeah, I’m beautiful, smart, and talented, but in reality, I’m also dumb. Why? Because I’ve been living the same lie my whole life. How the hell did I forget who I really am…? It all started about 13 years ago. I was six. I thought I had the whole world ahead of me, I thought this was the start of my “real world,” the only problem was I didn’t know how real it would be.

I was in kindergarten, shorter than I am now of course but still chunky, and we as a class were doing the “What I want to be when I grow up” game. As we thought and told the lunch-lady what we wanted to be I noticed it was getting closer and closer to my turn. “Alyshia, what do you want to be when you grow up,” she asked with a friendly joyful smile on her face.

After giving it some thought I said, “I want to be a beautiful ballerina!” The lunch-lady responded with, “Well, you’re going to have to lose a lot of weight to make that dream come true.” This was my much too soon reality check. I never thought of myself as “fat” before. I mean, yeah I was chubby but chubby at my age was cute right?

That was the question on my mind that day that I went home. In the car, I asked my mother several questions trying to beat around the bush but my mom didn’t want to play my games.

“Yes Alyshia-Mae you are fat, but so is every woman in our family. It’s in our genes there is nothing you can do to change that.” But, every woman in my family also seemed angry. They are single with at least two children and I didn’t want to be like them. I couldn’t be like them I wanted to be happy. I wanted a family one day.

But maybe fat people aren’t allowed to have a happy family like skinny people. Maybe God made us be alone and,to be the angry people in the world. I knew no matter what I wanted I couldn’t go against what God already had planned for me.

Throughout the next day, I was pretty self-conscious about my size. I was confused because everywhere I went people would tell me how pretty I was, I wondered if they could see my fat like the lunch lady did. If they saw it they would know I couldn’t be pretty because fat people can’t be pretty and pretty people can’t be fat. For weeks I battled with myself on if I was really fat and then I went to the doctors and it was time to face the overweight truth.

“Boy, are you growing,” said my doctor. “Now only if we could get you to grow up instead of out.” I knew exactly what he was talking about. But it wasn’t like I wasn’t active; I played and ran around all the time, but my body never changed. That day, I walked out of my doctor’s office with a smile and a hand full of stickers but behind my smile was a million pounds of tears because I now had confirmation.

My fears were now my reality. And to this day those fears still remain… Will I ever get married? Will I ever have a child without the fear of getting larger? Are fat people supposed to be happy beautiful and talented?

I may never know the answer to any of my questions, but, I don’t want to carry this mask any longer. I’m tired of pretending to be happy. I’m tired of imagining myself as skinny. I want to be happy as I am. IN MY OWN SKIN. I want to love who I am, ALL OF ME. I want to enjoy life however I choose, without the pressure of conforming to the world image of what I should be. I want to be ME.

I mean wow…it’s fearful for me to realize how long I stayed in this awful place. I mean, I was still there up until last year. I hated what I saw when I looked in the mirror and it reflected in everything I did, in every aspect of life. I wasn’t living because I was too busy trying to hide my body from the world…

I know I’ve shared the Ballerina Story with you all before, and it probably won’t be the last time. I want the world to understand how impactful words are to children. One criticism of my body carried me from 5, or 6, all the way to 26 years old! No, that wasn’t the only criticism and maybe all the criticism I received was true, however, it’s all about how that criticism is delivered!! Is it constructive or destructive? Only someone insecure with themselves would provide destructive criticism to a child. With that being said…

STOP DESTROYING THESE CHILDREN IN AN ATTEMPT TO BUILD YOURSELF UP!!!

As always, feel free to ask questions and/or leave feedback in the comments section.

(All new post will be uploaded Saturdays by 12:30 EST)

I am BEAUTIFUL. I am PASSIONATE. I will LOVE.

You All Won’t Make the Cut

~What’s new Family!? I pray this week has provoked you to think about your future. I hope your attitude towards your current situation is shifting as your destiny manifests itself. As for me, well, this week forced me to think about the people currently in my life.

Do they deserve to be in my next chapter? Or should they be spectators, on the sideline, as I continue to blossom and bloom? Let’s talk about it! Indulge & Enjoy! ~

As mentioned, this week forced me to think about the people close to me; family, friends, associates, even coworkers, and sincerely evaluate who deserves to be in my next season of life. Now, before we journey any further, allow me to clear up some misconceptions. Evaluating yourself, your life, and the people around you does not make you selfish, stuck up, nor bougie.

It’s YOUR right AND responsibility to ensure your constant growth! Therefore, you are obligated to do random self checkups and evaluations. Ask yourself this… If a doctor notices a small mass while examining a patient, does he leave it and allow it to potentially grow into cancer? Of course not, he cuts it out!

Just as the doctor cuts off the unhealthy parts of the body. You have to cut off the unhealthy people in life. If you don’t, they will grow and eventually consume you and your growth.

As the week progressed, it became easier for me to notice some of the people I had to cut off. What became overwhelming was the notion of having to be enemies because we weren’t friends. What hurts my heart the most, was the rumors beginning to surface painting one party to be worst than the other. But, then I thought…

Does parting ways mean we have to be on bad terms?

What I’m finding out, is most people say yes to the above question. When I have yet to find out is why… why do I have to dislike you, almost hate you, because we are no longer friends? Why am I expected to fabricate a narrative to the world, indicating you as the “bad guy”?

I REFUSE! I refuse to make someone else look bad in an effort to make myself look good. I refuse to let this stupid, ignorant, unnecessary expectation to be a part of my story.

It’s okay for me to not allow everyone around me full access to my life. What is not okay is fabricating a narrative to make myself look better. Stop allowing society to dictate your actions.

Everyone will not like your decision, especially the persons you’re parting ways with, however, you have to put yourself first. You have to take control of how you elevate in this next chapter of life. Like it or not, everyone can’t go with you. Listen to Ciara’s Level Up and step into this next season with confidence and grace!

As always, feel free to ask questions and/or leave feedback in the comments section.

(All new post will be uploaded Saturdays by 12:30 EST)

I am BEAUTIFUL. I am PASSIONATE. I will LOVE.

Goodbye 26

~Oh Hey Family!! I pray you’re all making peace with the decisions of your past. How have y’all been? I’ve missed you all! What’s new? How have you grown in the last two weeks? No, seriously, tell me in the comments section! As for me? Well, let’s talk about it! Are you ready to explore? Let’s do it!! Indulge and Enjoy!!~

As most of you know, I turned 27 on May 27th. To close out my 26th year, I’ve done an overview of the most impactful moments during this past year of life. I wanted to answer the questions most people intentionally avoid. Questions that tend to be too difficult, emotionally, to want to explore. I wanted to force myself to explore the good bad and ugly of this past year AND except every challenge I’ve faced.

Take a look at some of the difficult questions I’ve forced myself to reflect on…

What was the most drastic change of age 26?

One of the most drastic differences that occurred halfway through this year would have to be, making the decision to remove myself from my Church community. I can’t really say they did anything wrong. It’s just difficult to be yourself when you have no idea who you are.

This community tried so hard to push me to see my potential! They saw me when I didn’t see myself. They helped me start to pick up the broken pieces of my life, and made me aware of what God’s love can do IF you trust Him.

There, was the first time I genuinely felt God’s presence and actually heard His voice. This place started my growth process and forced me to admit the depth of my brokenness. Being honest, I miss them so much! I just don’t know how to return. I also don’t know if I’m really ready to go back.

What did you learn about yourself?

I’ve learned SO much about myself this year! I mean, I found my true beauty for starters! I’m able to look in the mirror at any time of day and see a level of beauty and happiness beaming from my soul. Some days, I find myself wondering how I was never able to see all of this prior.

I’ve also learned, it’s okay to trust people. Going so many years not trusting ANYONE around me was torture! I was constantly in defense mode. I even had moments where I was alone and couldn’t trust myself… How crazy is that? It feels amazing to not worry about when the next time someone will lie or hurt me will be.

I’ve been reminded, my power is in my words! For years, my words were silenced. I couldn’t write anything, keeping everything bottled up. I feel my silence was a major contribution to me being so lost… I firmly believe God gave me Beautiful. Passionate. Love. to not only find myself, but, to also find my way back to Him.

What are your age 27 goals?

Now I can’t give y’all ALL the tea, however, my greatest goal for age 27 is to continue to blossom into the beautiful young woman I am! I’m so eager to learn myself on an even greater scale.

I’m not really a fan of the whole “dating myself” term, especially at the level I’m exploring myself on. This feels more like a marriage, a lifetime commitment to never lose myself again. Have any of you heard of the show ‘Married at First Sight’? That’s how I feel. I married myself not knowing ANYTHING about the real me, and I’m enjoying every day of learning my likes and dislikes.

One goal from age 26 that will definitely follow me throughout age 27, and beyond, is Beautiful. Passionate. Love.! I love you guys, and I love sharing with you each week!

I am so grateful for everything I have experienced in my 26th year on this earth. You all had a glimpse of the last 7 months or so! WOW! Beautiful. Passionate. Love. is 7 months old already?

It’s been a while since I’ve taken a moment to thank you all for journeying with me each week. I am so eternally grateful for you!

Is there anything, from a previous post, I’ve mentioned that you’ve been wishing I’d discuss more in-depth? If so leave it in the comment section, I’ll see how I can work it into a future post.

As always, feel free to ask questions and/or leave feedback in the comments section.

(All new post will be uploaded Saturdays by 12:30 EST)

I am BEAUTIFUL. I am PASSIONATE. I will LOVE.

Growing Pains

-Hey B.P.L. Family! I am so proud to say I’m done with class!! I’ve passed my state exam and now I’m in Birthday mode!!! By the way, there will not be a Journey next week, as I’ll be celebrating my birthday! Our next journey will be on June 1st. Now, let’s dive into this week’s journey. Ready to explore? Cool beans! Indulge and Enjoy!-

This week, a memory came up in Facebook Memories, and I’d like to share it with you. Take a look…

Man, I can’t believe how selfish I was! How did I genuinely believe no one from my past should find happiness before me? Why did I think this mindset was okay? Why did I even care whether they were happy or not?

I mean, yeah, I was cool with all of my exes. Even when the relationship ended on bad terms I would always be sure to forgive them or ask them to forgive me, and we would continue our friendship. But, why was I so invested in them not finding their significant others before me?

Truth? Well, I never let them go… Any of them. When our relationships ended, I would hold on to the smallest piece of it as a keepsake. A little bit of hope that we would find our way back to each other.

Perfect example… My ex-fiancé and I were off and on for 10 years before we even got engaged. We literally refused to let each other go. We would enter into new relationships destroy them and then run back to each other. It was complete and utter dysfunction, yet, somehow we thought marriage would make it better…

What I hate the most about this time in my life, is how I justified my actions. Whenever one of my exes and I got back together, I would say “ This has to be God telling me he’s the one.” Anytime I did something I knew I shouldn’t have, I would convince myself “God understands,” and continue down my road to destruction… Looking back at it now, it’s a little embarrassing…

The greatest change I’ve made over the last year is losing the “me first” attitude. Learning how to cheer for everyone, whether I’m in the race or not! I mean, I’ve always been the type to want everyone to succeed, I just wanted to get there first.

*** Hahaha***

I genuinely thank God for the relationships he placed the men of my past in, leading them to marriage because it forced me to let go… ALL THE WAY! And, during that letting go process, I was forced to be honest with myself. I cried, a lot… I screamed, too much…And, I hated myself, too often… After a while, however, God slowly started to reveal who I am destined to be.

Now, I smile, uncontrollably… I’m genuinely happy, constantly… And, daily I’m on track to be a better me, AUTHENTICALLY!!

This journey as a whole isn’t an easy one. I’m so thankful to have all of you to share it with! Please remember, no matter where you are in life to: Enjoy your growth process, growing pains and all! Have a Happy Memorials Day (May 27th- My Birthday!) See y’all June 1st!!

As always, feel free to ask questions and/or leave feedback in the comments section.

(All new post will be uploaded Saturdays by 12:30 EST)

I am BEAUTIFUL. I am PASSIONATE. I will LOVE.

Incomplete Days

~Hey Hey!! I pray you’re all making peace with the unchangeable elements in your lives. This week has flown by! I was supposed to inform you all, in last weeks adventure, there wasn’t going to be a journey this week… I completely forgot!

I’m still in licensing class for my job, we’re actually prepping for our state exam next week (pray for my success), therefore, my focus has been mainly on this class. I’m not going to go too deep this week (I have a lot of studying to do). I hope you’re still able to enjoy our journey together!! Ready? Indulge & Enjoy!!~

So here I am, sitting in this class. I’m stressed about the material because I don’t feel I’m retaining it the way I should be… However, I continue to try each day. My instructor is pretty dope though! She has a way of teaching the material while making it less boring. One of the main things I love about her is, story time is all the time. She shares so many intimate family stories and somehow finds a way to tie them to insurance.

While telling a story this week, she shared something her Mother said often… No sooner than she said it, my mind started to explore days I’ve felt incomplete…

Have you ever had one of those days? A day where everything seemed to go “right,” however, you still weren’t satisfied? I mean you did everything you set out to do, but, the day still doesn’t seem complete? As the sun goes down, you wonder what would have made the day better, however, nothing really stands out? Well, think about this…

3 Things You Need Daily to be Happy:

– Something to do…

-Somewhere to go…

-Someone to love…

(Quote from My Instructor’s Mom)

Now, reflect back to one of the days we were just talking about. The ones that felt incomplete. Was one of these things missing? Was there nothing to do that day? Nowhere to go? Or, maybe you just couldn’t find someone to love on for the day?

We, the human race, forget the importance of giving love as well as being loved. I feel just as good giving love as I do getting it. It has nothing to do with physical intimacy. Love can be shown in so many different ways…

Spending time with people you care about. Volunteering your time doing something in your community (literally covers all three). Intentionally, doing something nice for an un-expecting recipient.

For me, hearing this was exactly what I needed. I’ve had so many incomplete days, and, when I think about them, one of the three was always missing. It wasn’t always the same element missing either. The conclusion I was able to come to? By implementing this small guide to my day, I’ll never have an incomplete day again!

As always, feel free to ask questions and/or leave feedback in the comments section.

(All new post will be uploaded Saturdays by 12:30 EST)

I am BEAUTIFUL. I am PASSIONATE. I will LOVE.

Recommitment

~Happy May Family!! How’s your week treating you? I pray you’ve been working, daily, to become a better you! As you all know, I strive for improvement daily and this week has been no different! I’m in a tough state licensing class (courtesy of my job), however, this hasn’t stopped me from reflecting on my flaws. Ready to explore? Me too! Indulge & Enjoy!~

This week, while learning a million and one foreign topics, I struggled to stay committed to my health and fitness journey… I went from eating extremely healthy to eating cheeseburgers and fries for lunch. I also skipped meals (6 small meals daily), struggled to drink a gallon of water a day and stopped working out.

As the week progressed, whenever I’d pause from studying, I would hear one line continue to play over and over again…

“…But you promised…”

I knew right away what the phrase was referring too. I also knew I was too stressed to eat healthy at the moment. But then, I thought about how far I’ve come, and knew some big girl decisions had to be made…

Here’s my recommitment to myself…

Dear Beautiful Inspiration,

Thank you for holding me accountable. Thank you for maturing and realizing we can’t continue to live life making excuses. You are my constant reminder, proving, I deserve better than what I give myself.

You’ve, patiently, allowed me to make mistakes without allowing me to step too far out of character. Whether it be allowing someone responsible for hurting me continue to be a part of my life or, making myself overly available to someone I’ve just met, you always keep my best interest at heart.

Yet, I’ve let you down so many times…

I’ve already put you as a priority, however, most times I fail to trust your judgment. It’s crazy because you’re the one that stops and thinks before speaking… You pray before reacting to frustrating circumstances… And, you show compassion before assuming the worst.

Today, I promise to consult you before making choices. Today, I promise to support your decisions. Today, I give you authority to intrude in areas of my life I don’t allow you access to. Today, I recommit myself to you!

You will teach me how to love not only me but those around me, also. You will continue to teach me my genuine beauty. You will allow me to be my authentic self, with no apologies. And for all you do, for me, I have no choice but to continue to be in love with you!

Take the wheel beautiful!

So often we underestimate the support we can give ourselves. We’re always looking for someone to motivate us, to tell us how great we are… But what about the voice inside, already shouting, “YOU CAN DO EVERYTHING YOU PUT YOUR MIND TO!”Listen to that voice, trust that voice, honor that voice, and see where it leads you.

As always, feel free to ask questions and/or leave feedback in the comments section.

(All new post will be uploaded Saturdays by 12:30 EST)

I am BEAUTIFUL. I am PASSIONATE. I will LOVE.

The Road Traveled Matters (Break Down)

~Oh Hey Family!! I pray the last two weeks have been felt with love and joy! I had a beautiful vacation, spending some much needed time with my family in Kentucky!

Before we get started, I need to say if you haven’t read The Road Traveled Matters, I highly recommend doing so to ensure you understand this week’s journey. (It’s 3-5 minutes… DON’T BE LAZY!) This week, as promised, we are going to revisit The Road Traveled Matters, and journey through the meaning behind it. Ready to explore? Perfect! Indulge and Enjoy!!~

I’ve realized, in previous journeys, when I share thought-provoking information with you guys, I don’t give you a chance to form your own opinion. I want to give you all time to explore and digest what we’ve explored and then the following week, if needed, I’ll break down the journey. One last time, if you haven’t read The Road Traveled Matters, please go back and do so at this time…

Alright, so the title itself really is the underlying message I desire to put out. I’ve run into so many people, all on different walks in life, who seem comfortable (too comfortable) “allowing the universe” to dictate their future. Using statements such as, “My story was written long before I got here,” or something similar, to defend why they don’t see a need to live out their destiny. I, personally, do not wholeheartedly agree.

Yes, I am a Christian and I do believe God is the Author of my narrative. However, I also believe God gave us free will to allow us to choose the roads traveled throughout our story. In The Road Traveled Matters, the Prince chooses a road of no work and all pleasure. He didn’t have to have the Princess locked away in a castle, but that’s the one he chooses as his wife.

Instead of doing the work and training to ensure he would be successful in rescuing the princess HE CHOSE, he signed the contract, a black magic contract, giving him access to the strength and skills he needed to slay the dragon. Did it work? YES! He slew the dragon and kissed his princess…

The moment his lips touched hers, the contract had been fulfilled. But everyone knows there’re terms and conditions with ALL contracts. Now he finds himself in the middle of a war, back to where he started, wondering how he can get to his princess…

The road the prince is traveling was not “the universe” nor was it “God’s plan.” God’s plan was him finding a princess, putting in the work, and staying with her. The road he chose made his narrative more difficult. A prince doesn’t belong in war. Unfortunately, because of HIS CHOICES, he has altered his narrative…

What appears to be the easy way out isn’t always easy. We don’t know what’s lurking in the twists and turns of life. However, we know right from wrong. We know nothing in this life is just given to us at no cost whatsoever. Therefore, if we choose to take the easy way out, we have to also be ready to deal with the consequences that may follow.

We have to take ownership of the choices we make in life. We can’t continue to blame the universe and, in some instances even blame God, for the actions we chose to make. I’m not going to give a bunch of examples or go on a tangent of what’s right and wrong because I don’t feel it’s needed. I’m sure you understand what I’m saying.

As always, feel free to ask questions and/or leave feedback in the comments section.

(All new post will be uploaded Saturdays by 12:30 EST)

I am BEAUTIFUL. I am PASSIONATE. I will LOVE.

The Road Traveled Matters

~Hey Beautiful People! I pray something happened, this week to soothe your soul. On this journey, I want to tell you a story. I’m not going to explain it nor am I going to tell you why I wrote it… Okay, if you really want to know why I wrote it, just leave it in the comments, I’ll tell you in the next post!

Oh, next Saturday, April 20th, there will not be a post. I’ll be enjoying some much needed vacation time. Posting will resume April 27th. Ready to explore? Alright! Indulge and Enjoy!~

Following the coordinates given to him to find his Princess, he approaches the castle door with caution. After the fight he had just encountered with the vicious beastly dragon, he didn’t know what dangers could be awaiting once he walked inside of the rustic, Gothic-looking castle. He paused and took a long deep drag of fresh air to calm his nerves.

He pulls on the door and to his surprise, it opens without him using any strength. Walking the long dark hallway he hears rummaging behind him. Fearlessly, he pulls his sword and assumes a fighting stance but, the noise was gone. Resuming his journey down the dark, gloomy, tunneled passageway leading him to his princess, he contemplates the choices he made leading to this moment.

Pushing open the door, directly at the end of the hall, he sees his princess awaiting his kiss to wake her. He runs to her and kisses her gently on the lips expecting her to awaken.

**BOOM- POW-POW- POW-BBDDAATT**

Turning to his left his eyes confirm the loud abrupt explosion ringing through his ears, bringing him to his reality. You see, he didn’t get to his princess all by himself. In all actuality, he’s a fearful coward. Lacking faith and strength, he chose to cheat, signing a contract with the evilest man you could imagine… Fairy-tales call him Mr. Rumpelstiltskin and the world refers to him as the devil…

Soothed by true love’s first kiss, the prince was struck with pain, as a bullet rips through the flesh of his forearm. Looking down, he notices a gun in front of him. Diving to the ground, bullets continue to zip past him. Picking up his gun and surveying his surroundings confusion overwhelms him. Then it hits him. He remembers a strange phrase the evil man mentioned as he was signing the contract….

“You can’t have love without war.”

The prince was on a battlefield. Realizing he may never feel the kiss of his love again. Unless… He wonders if he won this war, would he be united with his princess. Still not understanding his life is no longer his own…

Don’t forget to tell me in the comments if you want to know what all this means to me and why I choose to write it this week! Also, remember, there will NOT be a journey April 20th. I pray you and your families a very Happy Easter!!

As always, feel free to ask questions and/or leave feedback in the comments section.

(All new post will be uploaded Saturdays by 12:30 EST)

I am BEAUTIFUL. I am PASSIONATE. I will LOVE.

Let Go, Move On

~ Hey Hey! I pray this week pushed you to do something unexpected for someone un-expecting! As you know, weekly we journey through what I’ve focused on all week. With that being said, we’re going to switch paths from Breaking Free. If we need to go back there, by all means, we will, however, today we’re going to close the door on trauma Breaking Free dealt with. Ready to journey together! Me too. Indulge & Enjoy!~


Yes, they hurt you…

Yes, they made you cry…

Yes, they stole from you…

Yes, they used you…

Guess what they also did…

MOVED ON with their lives…


You’ve held onto the sadness…

You’ve held onto this pain…

You’ve held onto the memories…

You’ve nearly driven yourself insane…

Guess what you’ve also done …

Become COMPLACENT


Back then, you didn’t have a choice…

Back then, you were too young…

Back then, you didn’t have a voice…

Back then, you couldn’t even run…

Guess what else you couldn’t do…

Determine what is YET TO COME


Now, you are BEAUTIFUL

Now, you are STRONG

Now, you are a FIGHTER

Now it’s time to MOVE ON!!!

This week, I kept hearing a voice say, “Let go and move on.” At first, I was offended… “This is my journey and I will dwell on my pain for as long as I want…” I continuously thought to myself. As the week progressed, I realized the significance of the sweet, soft voice telling me to let go…

All week, I felt tired… I couldn’t focus on my meal plan… I even missed a workout!! My energy was literally draining from me and now I know why.

Over the course of the last two weeks, I have reflected NONSTOP on the negative events of the past. Mentally and physically I was ready to move on, however, emotionally I was obsessing over exploring all the obstacles affecting me from blossoming.  Turns out, at this present moment, I am the main obstacle contributing to my bondage…

It’s time to get out of your sadness and stand tall. You can’t change your past, and you can’t predict your future. Guess what you can do though…

ENJOY THE PRESENT MOMENT!!!

Stop feeling sorry for yourself. Quit forcing yourself to miss out because you don’t feel worthy. Smile… Laugh… Make lasting memories… Be happy!!
As always, feel free to ask questions and/or leave feedback in the comments section.

(All new post will be uploaded Saturdays by 12:30 EST)

I am BEAUTIFUL. I am PASSIONATE. I will LOVE.

Everyone Lies

~Hey BPL Family! I pray this week has been full of refreshing love and understanding! I’m excited to share this weeks topic with you so let’s dive right in! Indulge & Enjoy!!~

So lying is inevitable right? I mean we all do it, right? We tell our friends, we’ll call them in 10 mins and never call. We tell our bosses, we’ll pick up extra shifts and then call in when the time comes. We throw around the “L” word (love) in relationships that we don’t really care about. We tell ourselves that we’re going to wake up early to workout or do something else productive and then snooze our alarm 15 times. (Super Guilty!)

Our society breaks it down for us though. We’re conditioned to believe the things mentioned above are “little lies” and don’t matter as much as real lies. “It’s only a white lie, how much damage could it do?” What we never seem to remember is EVERYTHING we say and do impacts someone in some way. Our little white lies usually have a negative impact even if it isn’t immediate or as large as other lies.

One of my biggest mental struggles is paranoia. Relax, it’s not the level of paranoia where I think everyone is out to get me or that something tragic is bound to happen to me. My paranoia mainly focuses in on lies, meaning, regardless of the dynamics of a relationship, I expect to be lied to. It doesn’t have to be a love interest or even a direct friend of mine. I just always find myself inspecting conversations and reading between the lines to find any discrepancies.

Now, I know someone is reading this saying, “This doesn’t sound too bad,” or “I need to be more like you,” I have to caution that thought process. I’ve dismissed a multitude of amazing people from my life because I felt I was lied to. With my extreme fear of being lied to, once I detect what I conclude to be a lie, I begin cutting that person out of my life completely. Even if it’s just a “little white lie…”

Being as paranoid as I am isn’t leading to any of the proactive precautions some of you may have in mind. At this level, I’m not protecting my heart or making sure I don’t allow the wrong people in my life. What I am doing, however, is ruining potential relationships (on all levels), and not allowing myself to grow socially or emotionally. I shut people out for minuscule mistakes. For example, You tell me your favorite season is Spring, then talking to a group of friends I overhear you discussing how much you love Fall and that you think that’s your favorite season.

Most people wouldn’t register (or care) about the minor discrepancy. Me? Oh, I take it to a whole nother level. My paranoid self will have a whole attitude and bring it up to you when the time is right. On top of all that, I’ll say something along the lines of, “If you can lie about something as small as your favorite season, what else are you lying about?” Then, I’ll begin to think about every conversation we’ve had and question your sincerity and truthfulness.

Monday morning (1/7), I woke up in deep thought. My soul asked my heart, “Why do you allow us to be isolated?” I immediately felt myself become defensive. Yes, I was ready to defend myself (by any means necessary) against myself. (If no one else had my back, I sure did.) But, then my thought process switched as my mind asked my heart, “Why does my soul feel like this?” That’s when I realized, I was creating the damage and hurt I’ve been trying so hard to protect myself from.

By being so obsessed with the fear of being lied to, I have stunted my own growth. I have unintentionally created stagnation in my life. I’m pushing everyone away because of my interpretation of untruthfulness. I’ve realized this week that I don’t like large crowds because I can’t process and keep track of all of the conversations going on. As this realization emerged, my soul asked another intriguing question, “Why do we want to process and keep track of them?”

With me, once a conversation registers in my memory bank, there aren’t any clean slates. I literally remember specifics of conversations from decades ago just because “I detected a lie.” I store the conversations as “evidence” if needed in the future. (And I wonder why have headaches some days…) Suddenly, my heart sadly speaks to my mind, “I don’t want to live like this anymore.” My mind agreed and my soul rejoiced!

I spent the rest of the week working through how to perform a master reset on my memory. Then it occurred, first, its impossible to just wipe out specific parts of my memory (without tragedy or trauma). Second, I shouldn’t want to. It’s perfectly okay to remember an event or conversation. Frustration begins to creep in as I start to feel like this whole week has been a waste. I felt like running through the library of my mind knocking down every book and shelf insight! Then these words hit me:

“Moving forward I will NO LONGER walk through life expecting to be lied to…”

I’m so thankful you are embarking on this journey with me. Feel free to ask questions and/or leave feedback in the comments section. 

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I am BEAUTIFUL. I am PASSIONATE. I will LOVE.