~Hey Hey!!! I pray this week made you think twice about the events of your past you constantly wish had never happened… EVERYTHING in your past is what makes you the beautiful person you are today! Ready to journey deeper into Breaking Free? Indulge and Enjoy!~

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How did you do it? How did you convince my Mom that you were a good guy? How did you pull the wool over my Grandma’s eyes? How did my Aunts and Uncles think you were all about family? How did you persuade me you were a father figure?

They were too accepting… They got too comfortable… They were too wrapped up in whatever life was throwing at them. They couldn’t see the evil in you… They didn’t want to see it…

I was too insecure… I was too naive… I was too young… I was extremely damaged… But I knew something wasn’t right… I was just too desperate… Too desperate to feel the love of a Father… Too desperate to feel wanted unconditionally… Yet there were so many conditions…

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You taught me the “L” word… No, not Love, Lust… You masked it by saying “I love you” though… You preyed on my youth… You twisted my thoughts to believe love meant access… Honestly, I still get the two confused from time to time… I mean, after all, teaching a 5th grader her body is the only asset she has can create muddy thoughts.

You built trust, with me, by portraying a Father figure. When my Mom said “No,” you said “Yes.” When I cried, you wiped my tears. When I was tired of wearing baggy clothes, you purchased me clothes that made me feel girly (really they just accentuated my body). I mean you brought me my first prepaid cell phone! Under one condition… “When I call, you better answer…”

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Baby Girl… Baby Girl… Baby Girl… My goodness, I hate being called that. I mean, it’s kind of sad because all I ever wanted was to be my Father’s baby girl. But, to this day, I cringe when anyone uses that phrase towards me.

Answer me this, why were you so obsessed with me? Grooming me was taking too long, huh? So, you found a girlfriend. Why did she have to have the same name as me (just spelled differently)? Why was she almost the same complexion as me? Why did you stare at me while talking to her? And, why did you call her baby girl?

Why were you so bold? It was almost as if the thrill of someone seeing what you were doing to me, made it more exciting for you. I can still remember the little things like how my seat in the car had to be next to you. Or, the time you pinned me against the wall, in the kitchen, and literally touched every part of my body while forcing me to kiss you. There was always someone around, just never close enough to save me.

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How did I allow you to convince me to run away from home? I mean after all you had already done to me, why did I still trust you? Why did I think you had my best interest at heart? Why did I still think you could love me as a daughter?

But I did it… I packed my favorite outfits, called you (as planned) and waited for my “friend” to pick me up… only he never came. I remember you going on and on about how you should just buy bus tickets for us so that we’d be together… That’s when it clicked. You were never going to be the father I was searching for…

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My plan was to make it through the night, talk to some of my friends, and see if their parents would let me stay with them. So, you offered to let me sleep in your room… Never did you mention you’d be in the bed too…

You stole my ability to trust… You stole my ability to love… For many years, you even stole my ability to desire my father’s presence in my life… You, Monster 3, planted a fear so deeply rooted in me, I’m afraid I’ll never fully break free…

Thank you…

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I know several readers are confused, maybe even frustrated that I say “thank you” at the end of this post. (Shoulder Shrug) I can’t change how you feel. What I can say is remember what I said at the beginning of this post…

EVERYTHING in your past is what makes you the BEAUTIFUL person you are today!

So yes, I thanked him. I thanked him because day by day, I am becoming more and more in love with the BEAUTIFUL WOMAN that is me. I thanked him because this chapter of my life is still teaching me how to FIGHT. I thanked him because his cowardly, perverted acts played a part in creating the STRONG MINDED person you all are getting to know and love. But, most importantly, if this post ever finds it’s way to him, I need him to read it and know his devilish actions didn’t steal my JOY!

Though the events are unfortunate, they happen. Not only did they happen, but they also made me STRONGER!

Love Y’all.

As always, feel free to ask questions and/or leave feedback in the comments section.

(All new post will be uploaded Saturdays by 12:30 EST)

I am BEAUTIFUL. I am PASSIONATE. I will LOVE.

~What’s up Beautiful Family!! I pray this week was a struggle… I pray you felt pressure. No, this isn’t me being mean, pressure is how diamonds are made! The next couple of weeks are going to be slightly different from previous posts, however, it’s much needed and I’m sure you’ll still be able to enjoy them! Are you ready to explore together? Me too! Let’s dive in. Indulge & Enjoy!!~

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They told me you would protect me… you didn’t. They told me you would support me… you never have. They told me you would always love me… I’m confident, you hate me. The world painted you to be my hero, but a monster is all I see.

Sometimes I lie awake at night, wondering if you realize all you took from me… Did you actually know what you were doing? Were you aware that your actions would cause me to fear the unseen? You’ll never understand how it feels to fear love, REAL LOVE… Not the “what can you do for me” type of love you forced on me…

The darkness in you follows me daily… I struggle with my unknown destiny because I don’t feel worthy. I’ve never felt worthy… You are the mastermind that still controls my vulnerabilities. I hate that I’ve yet to experience fully loving myself. I hate that when I’m too low, it’s difficult to look in the mirror and face the little girl crying out to be rescued…

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Sometimes, I get so frustrated when people tell me how mature I am for my age. They don’t know why I matured so quickly. I hate that my maturity is based on my life experiences and I hate that you’re one of my earliest life experiences…

What caused you to think of me as a sexual conquest instead of the little girl I was? You weren’t that much older than me, so what happen to you that caused you to use me? Use me… Wow… today’s the first day I actually accepted your actions as what they are…

YOU USED ME… I was your experiment… I was your project… I was your way of learning the female body… But I was only 5… FIVE!!! I never had a chance to show my innocence… I never had the opportunity to experience love without my body being the main attraction. But how can a 5-year-old be stripped of their innocence?

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Who hurt you? What did they do? How many times did it happen? Were you forced to keep quiet too? Did they force themselves inside of you just to see “what it was like?” Did you beg for them to stop? Do you still think about it?

Does your soul plead with your heart to forgive them? Do you look in the mirror,at times, and see them standing behind you? In the shower, do you feel their hands all over you as you attempt, for the trillionth time, to scrub yourself clean? Are you afraid to sleep alone? I am.

Some nights, I can feel you lying right next to me. Watching me, making sure I keep “our little secrets…” Other nights, you’re not there when I fall asleep, but then, in the middle of the night, I feel you creating yet another secret for me to keep… As I squirm and whence to break free of your grip, I look around and there’s no one in the room but me…

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You created a cycle in my life. You forced sex on me. You forced me into a world I knew nothing about… and then when you became tired or bored, you moved on with your life. I was so thankful you didn’t want me anymore…

I didn’t know someone had been watching you though. Studying every action. Being groomed into the monster they admired day and night. When you were done with me they had learned just enough to take your place…

Monsters number TWO, THREE, and FOUR were even worse to face…

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I want you to know, I forgive you. Though it’s crazy, I have nothing but love in my heart for you. Despite all that you’ve done to me I want nothing but the best for you. I pray blessings over you and I pray you’re at peace with the choices you’ve made in life. Honestly, most of the time, I pray for your future children and wife…

Today you’ve lost control of me, I will no longer live in fear. I will no longer wonder why… And I will no longer shed these tears. I know I have a destiny, and the space in my mind you’re residing in, RENT FREE, is needed for me to grow. My past does not define me and neither do your actions…

I forgive you… I FORGIVE YOU! My FREEDOM depends on it. You’ve kept me bound for entirely too long.

STAY BLESSED…

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Some of you won’t understand the importance of what transpired today, and for that, I feel sorry for you. Most of you will question me loving someone I “claim” hurt me so bad, and for you, I pray grace and forgiveness enter your life like never before. The rest of you will try to pinpoint who I’m talking about, and to you I ask why does it matter? I know you’ve all heard this before, but it’s definitely worth hearing again…

FORGIVENESS ISN’T ABOUT THE WRONG DOER… IT’S ABOUT YOU…

As always, feel free to ask questions and/or leave feedback in the comments section.

(All new post will be uploaded Saturdays by 12:30 EST)

I am BEAUTIFUL. I am PASSIONATE. I will LOVE.