Today, I accept reality. A reality, at least 27 years in the making. A reality, easy to mask around others. A reality, meant to force the stigmas of the world on me, in hopes to keep me shackled in defeat. But, today I accept reality, breaking the chains of the generational curses attempting to drag my soul into the darkest pits of hell. So let’s talk about it…
I’ve used everything in my reach to hold my heart together, for all these years. I started with glue, tracing the cracks of abandonment, formed by the selfish acts of an unavailable father. Next, I used tape to realign the shattered pieces of neglect, caused by a mother simply stretched too thin. Afterwards, I found rubber bands to hold the falling pieces of rejection caused by, well way too many events to name. Truth? My heart is broken…
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So how do you love with a broken heart?
You don’t…
You can’t…
It’s impossible!
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Honestly, as I look at 2021, my only goal is to mend my brokenness. To, not only, forgive myself of my transgressions and my transgressors, but to genuinely let go of the pain. I have so many emotions bottled up from my past, I thought I had let go of, yet they constantly show up in my thoughts and actions.
I no longer want to be responsible for my own self-destruction. And, I no longer want to wait for anyone to correct their actions with me. A lot of the individuals that have hurt me no longer have access to me and that’s perfectly acceptable. However, I still have to do the work to fix the crack the interaction caused in my life.
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The most nerve wracking part for me is creating my own closure. It makes me realize I haven’t had closure from several obstacles in my past. Instead, I built walls that allowed me to become numb to everything. Shutting out not only people who have hurt me, but the ones who haven’t also. Now, I’m ready to live… vividly. Breaking down these walls will be so difficult, but I’m ready. After spending the majority of my life only operating on surface level emotions, I’m over it. I want to feel! I want to enjoy and experience life in wholeness.
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Mending my heart is the only obligation I have, this year.
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So, y’all ready to explore this crazy journey with me!
Stay tuned & look out for more pieces!
(All new journeys will be uploaded the 1st and 3rd Saturday of each month by 12:30 EST)
I am BEAUTIFUL. I am PASSIONATE. I will LOVE.
