Christians Struggle To…

Hey Family! I must admit I’m still a little downer emotionally… I honestly believe it’s due to the lack of social interaction due to being quarantined. How are you guys holding up? This week is dedicated to creative writing. So, let’s explore. Indulge & Enjoy!

As I wait patiently, in the dimly lit room, I wonder if the reviews I’ve read are true. Am I going to be bombarded with pamphlets about God and what he wants from me? How do they know what He wants from or for me when I don’t even know myself? How do they know, just from looking at me, what my destiny is?

The wait wasn’t long though. Walking back to the first room on the left, at the nurse’s request, I noticed how bare the walls are. No color. No pictures. No anything. Just white. Nothing like average doctors’ offices. At least not the ones I’ve been in.

After what felt like 10 minutes the nurse breaks the silence with the most confusing, uncomfortable question a doctor has ever asked me. “Are you pro-choice or pro-Life?” from her expression, I can tell my answer made her as uncomfortable as I was.“I’m whatever works for my life at the moment.”

Her discomfort didn’t last for long as the room seems to darken. She slowly lifts her head to look me in the eyes. As she stares at me, I make sure to keep eye contact, while mentally reminding myself to be firm in my decision. Breaking our intense stare, she looks down to close her folder of papers and bull another awkward question out of thin air. “Do you know God?”

My eyes started to roll, to the back of my head, as I realize I’m not even 5 minutes into my appointment and my lecture has begun. Attempting to answer her question as truthfully as I can, without lying or making this discussion last any longer than it has to be, I decide to think before speaking this time.

“I believe there is always room for improvement when it comes to knowing God. I come from a family full of religion. From my Grandfathers to my Fathers all being or have been Pastors. I also attended catholic school my whole life.”

As she listens to my history, her frown begins to fade and a beaming smile replaces it. Her smile seems to brighten the whole room as she says,“So you do know Him!”

Yes! I’m in the clear. This discussion is over! You definitely did your thing girl, I think to myself, but I wasn’t in the clear at all. It’s at this very moment I came to one of the most truthful yet frightening realizations of my life.

Lifting my head to now make eye contact with her, as if I wanted her to see the sadness in my heart I erase every assumption she’s making of me. “I guess you could say that but, the truth is I’ve never felt further away from him then I do now…”

All new journeys will be uploaded Saturdays by 12:30 EST)

I am BEAUTIFUL. I am PASSIONATE. I will LOVE

Come Home…

Happy March! I always feel refreshed in the month of March. You know like it’s a new year with new possibilities. It seems strange, my year doesn’t really feel new until 3 months in… Just goes to show, were all on different journeys, and you never know where, exactly, your neighbor is on theirs.

This week, I want to discuss a conversation I had Sunday, March 1st, that almost took me back to a seriously dark space. I thank God for keeping his hand on me while I chose to venture off into this world alone. Ready to explore? Indulge and Enjoy!

About a month ago, I prayed and I told God I loved Him. I told Him I love Him, but this life was too hard for me. I told Him I wasn’t leaving Him, but I needed to do a few things my way. He begged me to reconsider by shielding me from the very things my flesh desired. But, I refused. So he wrapped his arms around me, told me He loves me and will always be here when I needed Him. As I walked out the door, He asked me if I had my key, just in case, I changed my mind. I smiled and said “I do,” knowing I left it in the middle of my neatly made bed…

So foreign, yet so familiar… I sit at my desk daydreaming of the trouble I can get myself into tonight. I’ve been released, released from the conviction of my fleshly desires. I can live in this world and be free of the weight of being the perfectly imperfect Christian. My struggles can become my struggles in private again. I don’t want to be seen as a “Church Girl,” or a “PK– Preacher’s Kid.” I wanted to be the version of me that was innocent in the light and full of sin in the dark. The version of me that men lust after, regardless of their relationship status, and I’d play eeny-meeny-miny-moe to select the one I’d spend some time with…

So familiar, yet so foreign… I sit and wonder why the excitement of spending the night with a man I’ve known for, ehh maybe 3 days doesn’t shoot through my body like it used to. As the Spirit whispers to my heart, “Come home, this isn’t you, Never was you…” I try to shake the feeling… My brain keeps repeating, “I can do this, this is me…” The feeling just won’t go away. So, torn between the two, I call and cancel my plans, explaining something came up. But, I extend an invitation to reschedule…

Everything is so innocent… My emotions are completely out of whack. I’m acting before thinking and somewhere in my irrational mind, it all makes sense. I’m forcing myself to believe, all is well, because… well… I mean, it’s the easiest thing to do. Who wants to admit their soul is at war with their flesh, for their salvation, and at the present moment their flesh is winning? Who wants to tell the world they intentionally walked away from a life of growth, and prosperity for failure and stagnation. But, my Father said I can come home whenever I want, right? I wonder if he meant it… Yeah, I think I’m ready to go home… Shoot, I can’t even do that, because I left my key in the middle of my neatly made bed…

Innocent is everything… He’s so adorable… I’ve brushed him off for months, yet, he still reaches out almost daily. Persistence! I like that. Plus, it’s just conversation, what harm can it do? But, his conversation activates something in me that I’ve desired for so long. Intimacy! My mind has been craving an intellectual conversation with an attractive man who knows God. Or does God just know him? WHO CARES! We’re definitely entertaining this… I won’t let it go too far, I promise… But, then that voice in my brain begins to remind me, “I can do this, this is me…”

“You can tell your Dad has always given you everything you ask for,” the assumption pierced my ears like nails on a chalkboard. Immediately, the insecurities of not having my dad growing up flooded my spirit. Defense rises, as I prepare to let this man know exactly what my Dad has done for me. As I open my mouth, my soul calms my mind. My hardened heart softens. My words retreat from the tip of my tongue. “He meant your Father… Your heavenly Father,” a familiar voice whispers in my ear as tears begin to fill my eyes, “Come home…”

But, I don’t have my key… How will I get in? My Father is the busiest being I know. There’s no way He will be sitting in the house waiting for me. “Come home,” the voice repeats, no explanation nor hesitation. How? How can I get home? I walk into my room, look at my neatly made bed, and right in the middle of the pillows, it was there. My Bible. How did I not notice I had my key all along? I climb in my bed and flip to my favorite scripture, 1 John 3:1.

See what great love the Father has lavished on us, that we should be called children of God! And that is what we are! The reason the world does not know us is that it did not know Him.

As I lay in bed wondering what my Father thinks about my return, I hear a confident, secure, stern, yet understanding voice whisper, “Welcome home, My child.” My heart reverts to a posture of worship and reverence. You’re here? You waited for me! You knew I had my key this entire time, yet You still waited here for me! I love you Abba…

“I love you too, my little headstrong bull, he says as he kisses my forehead. “When you choose to leave I worry. I worry at how long it will take you to find your way back. This month felt like 3 years for me. Please don’t leave again.” He pleads with me to stay safe in the home He’s built for us. “But, if you do choose to leave know this My child: You have left Me, I have not, nor will I ever leave you. I will always be here, waiting for you to use your key…”

(All new journeys will be uploaded Saturdays by 12:30 EST)

I am BEAUTIFUL. I am PASSIONATE. I will LOVE.

February’s Favorite Moment

Hey Family! Can y’all believe we are already wrapping up the 4th week of February? I mean, this year is flying by! This week is supposed to be a recap of the month, but honestly, I’m not in the mood for a recap.

Don’t get me wrong, February has been beautiful. I just don’t particularly feel like reciting all the blessings the month has showered on me. So, instead, I want to share what’s on my heart. Let’s explore. Indulge & Enjoy!!

This month I have met/reconnected with some interesting people. I’ve had some amazing activities transpire. And, I’ve had some wonderful conversations (at work and just out and about). One of my favorite conversations came from a series of text messages.

Here I am, at work passing the time asking questions to someone I’ve actually known for years, but just recently reconnected with. It became fun because they actually seemed genuine in what my answers were. See, most people enjoy talking about themselves, therefore, when you ask them a question they never give you a chance to answer that question. This conversation was entirely different.

After a series of questions, I decided to ask them what their idea of a perfect day would be. They gave me two scenarios, which were both really dope. But then, I was asked to answer the question… Check-out what came to mind…

My perfect day would be waking up, in my husband’s arms, to our children rummaging through the kitchen cabinets. As I try to get out of bed, without waking him, he pulls me closer and kisses me on the back of my neck. I giggle, telling him I have to check on our babies and he says something slick like “I’m trying to check on my baby, but she won’t be still…” we tease each other back and forth for a little, then I get up and take care of the little ones.

I cook breakfast and begin to make plates. But, instead of eating at the kitchen table, the kids decide Daddy should have breakfast in bed. So, we go wake him up, and sit in bed while eating blueberry pancakes, bacon, eggs, grits, and fruit. Of course, the kids made a mess but no one yells no one is upset we just enjoy our family time.

Finally, we’re up dressed and ready to start our day of exploring. We take the kids to a museum or the zoo and take what feels like a billion pictures to add to our photo albums. Once the kids are exhausted, we take them to their grandparents’ house so mommy and daddy can have some quality time together.

Hubby decides he wants to go out so we go home and get fancy on ‘em. I slip on a little black dress (skin glowing). Looking through the closet for the perfect shoes, I decide on some red pumps. As I’m standing in the mirror admiring my outfit and flawless makeup, my husband walks up behind me… Wrapping his arms around my waist, and kissing my neck, he whispers in my ear how beautiful I am. As I feel him raising my already short dress, I know our plans have changed… We never made it to our destination…

(All new journeys will be uploaded Saturdays by 12:30 EST)

I am BEAUTIFUL. I am PASSIONATE. I will LOVE.

A Love Letter (Third)

Happy Black History Month! Happy National Love Month! Happy whatever you may be celebrating month! Regardless of what this month means to you, enjoy it! Life is entirely too short to be unhappy!

This month, forget all the negative voices, replaying in your head, and do what makes you happy! Welcome to our first official Creative Writing journey! This week, I want to focus on the love this month represents, for most, and write a love letter. Let’s explore. Indulge & Enjoy!

Hey You,

There are so many things I want to say to you, I just don’t have the words. Usually, when I write to you, the words flow from my soul, like rain falling in Spring. But, this time it seems like Spring in California. A feeling of nervousness has washed over me. Uncertainty is attempting to cancel out the security, thoughts of you bring me.

I’ve made so many mistakes, in my past, and though I’ve forgiven myself (and I know the Father has forgiven me also), thoughts of you knowing the WHOLE truth have consumed me lately. Don’t get me wrong, I know you’re a very understanding loving man, yet, I also know I’m going to have quite a bit of explaining to do.

I fear some of the events in my past will cause us to have serious doubts about walking down the aisle. I think about our marriage counseling sessions, and see the pain in your eyes as I tell you about moments I’ve never said out loud. As you begin to cry, my heart breaks, fearing you will call the wedding off and walk away from me completely. But, there’s still more to tell you.

You see, as your wife, I never want to put you in a shameful situation. I never want someone to be able to tell you about me. So, while sharing the most intimate details of my sex life may be breaking your heart, at least you’re hearing them from me.

I said all of this to say, I can’t change the choices of my past, however, every day I’m doing the work in preparation of being the perfect wife for you (Please realize, I did not say I would be the perfect wife.). I will never stop working to better us in all aspects of our lives.

I guess I used all these words to say, I’m writing this letter feeling unqualified to be your wife. What I know is, unlike our love for one another, this feeling is temporary.

I love you.

(All new journeys will be uploaded Saturdays by 12:30 EST)

I am BEAUTIFUL. I am PASSIONATE. I will LOVE.

Battle of the Sexes

~ What’s new B.P.L. family? I pray this week gave you the energy boost you need to finish this month strong! As for me? Well, this week I was feeling pretty poetic so I want to share this piece I started. It’s been a while since I’ve done poetry, I think I like where I’m going with it though! Well, let’s dive in! Indulge and Enjoy!~

Battle of the Sexes

He didn’t fight for me…

He walked away…

He didn’t come back for me…

He walked away, chose not to stay…

She took care of me…

She sacrificed so much…

She instilled values in me…

She sacrificed so much, no financial crutch…

She guided me…

I’m lost…

She fed me…

I’m empty…

He prayed for me…

I’m desperate…

He searched for me…

I’m right here…

She disciplined me…

He wasn’t there…

She, at times, put too much on me…

He’s unaware…

I love them both…

My heart will forever be theirs…

I finally see growth…

My destiny’s looking brighter…

I’m not exactly sure why all of this was stirring within me this week. I’ve been hard on myself lately. Forcing myself to not look back on decisions I’ve made with my best interest in mind. I know it’s easy to blame your decisions on your childhood.

“My Dad wasn’t in my life…”

“My relationship with my Mom is strenuous or desiccating…”

“I’ve always been the ‘black sheep’ of the family…”

Allow me to be very clear, THERE IS NO EXCUSE, GRAND ENOUGH, TO GIVE YOU THE RIGHT TO ABANDON YOUR DESTINY.

Stop believing the hype media tells you, regarding being a product of your environment. Stop forcing yourself to conform to the way of the world. You don’t fit in? Awesome, your destiny calls for you to stand out. Wear your differences proudly! Stand tall in the very features the world tells you are flaws. If it makes you happy, laugh! Who cares if you’re the only one laughing?

Let’s do this transparency thing we love so much. If you’ve been exploring with me since the beginning, then you know my father wasn’t in my life until about 10 years ago. You also know, a little bit, about my relationship with my mother (it’s been tough).

According to media/stereotypes, I should be a single mother with multiple children and the number of “baby daddies” to match. I should hate the world and be full of revenge and regret. Beautiful. Passionate. Love. shouldn’t exist. Well, it could exist, but I’m not supposed to be the author. Why? Because it’s too positive for what the world expects me to be. Guess what though. Next month will be a year since we’ve been exploring together!

I defy the odds of my upbringing on a daily basis and I will continue to do so. I used to hate being so different, not fitting the mold. I was “too saved” for my unsaved friends, and “not saved enough” for my saved friends. Not edgy enough for my “hood friends,” and “too edgy” for my suburban friends. Instead of changing me, I changed my environment. The ones who thought I wasn’t good enough for them were right. So, I let them go. LOOK AT ME NOW!

I’ve said all this to say, every experience you’ve been through is what makes you who you are today. If you genuinely don’t like who you are, figure out why and make the needed changes. However, if you don’t like who you are because you’re different… I pray a season of seclusion surrounds you, that you may not only learn to love who you are but also, see how your differences apply to your destiny. I love yall!

As always, feel free to ask questions and/or leave feedback in the comments section.

(All new journeys will be uploaded Saturdays by 12:30 EST)

I am BEAUTIFUL. I am PASSIONATE. I will LOVE.