Not Again…

Okay family, this space is all about transparency, therefore, I have no choice but to be honest… This week has been a STRUGGLE!! I just don’t feel like me. Now, don’t get me wrong, my bills are paid, I’m healthy, my family is well, and I have a roof over my head… I’m blessed! Yet, my confidence has plummeted.

I feel incompetent in everything I do (hair/nail-stylist, writing, singing, as a woman, even as a Christian). My heart is full, and I’m so grateful for where I am in life thus far, but, my soul is burdened. My gifts aren’t fulfilling and my talents don’t feel good enough… I just feel inadequate, so to speak.

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Before we continue, I should advise, this feeling is very familiar. Yes, I know exactly what’s going on and why. It seems like every time I’m exactly where God wants me to be, this feeling of sadness and depression tries to consume my life. I begin pulling away from the very blessings I spend countless nights praying for.

Believe it or not, this feeling all surrounds my faith walk. It began just a couple weeks after deciding to not only join the Church, but to become an active member within the body of Christ. Now, the first time this happened was in New York, when I joined a powerful ministry, dedicated to bringing and SPREADING God’s love. The most impactful part of this ministry, for me, was though ”international” is in the name, their focus was right at home!

•••

It’s so unimaginable to realize now what was happening back then, and see it begin to repeat. I remember feeling so alone in that ministry, when literally EVERYONE was pouring love into me. I remember feeling as though the walls were closing in on me, and not trusting anyone enough to tell them what was happening.

I even remember the Pastor prophesying to me, telling me exactly how I felt, but I didn’t feel comfortable enough to tell him I was still dealing with it at that very moment. I had at least three close friends within the ministry that I shared a lot with, but I wouldn’t share this. Instead, I would leave Church, and other events, go home and struggle in silence.

•••

Needless to say, I didn’t make it far in my faith journey. It wasn’t two years before I had fully removed myself from the ministry. So, here I am, almost 3 years later, in a different state, just joined a new ministry, and this feeling of sadness is, literally, attempting to take over my mind while I’m writing this.

It’s strange because I have yet to have a negative interaction with anyone. From the moment I joined, everyone has been so loving and accepting. I mean, I even go to rehearsals when I’m not even on the team. What more could I ask for? So far I love this ministry. And, though I know it won’t always be roses and butterflies, this is where I’m supposed to be.

•••

Honestly, I don’t know how to fix it, however, I know the outcome won’t be the same. I refuse to run from the love and community, God has given me. I’m beyond eager to grow within my faith journey and I know this is the place for me to do so.

To ensure I don’t have the same result, I have to speak up and share what I’m going through. So, here goes nothing!

•••

Thanks for listening.

Love y’all!

(All new journeys will be uploaded the 1st and 3rd Saturday of each month by 12:30 EST)

I am BEAUTIFUL. I am PASSIONATE. I will LOVE.

Boundaries

“Lack of boundaries invites lack of respect.”

-Anonymous

Gives you something to think about, huh? How many times have you allowed someone to violate your boundaries (for whatever reason). How many times have YOU violated your own boundaries? Or, here’s a good one, how many times have you removed a boundary because others felt it inconvenienced them?

If we’re being honest, too often do we deprioritize our boundaries. And if we’re really being transparent, those moments usually left us feeling disrespected, devalued, and disposable. We end up adding to our brokenness, in a time we’re working so hard to heal.

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Over the last two weeks, I’ve been dealing with several feelings that continue to creep up in my life. Rejection, abandonment, isolation, and hatred have always controlled my life for the most part, but I’m tired. Actually, I’m exhausted.

It’s exhausting to search for happiness in between these negative emotions. It’s painful to grip the peaks of “happy” only for them to fade back to emptiness. I want to experience more peaks of happy and less dark valleys. This starts with boundaries…

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I’ve allowed myself to be hurt because I allow others to do as they wish. This goes deeper than a romantic relationship. I’ve always been the friend, daughter, sister, mentor, auntie and/or significant other, available whenever I was called upon. I used to take pride in telling individuals to call me WHENEVER they needed me, because my phone never turns off.

I welcomed calls before sunrise, and after sunset, because “I’m always here to help!” I would lose sleep worrying about situations/events that had absolutely NOTHING to do with me. I was so invested in the lives of my friends and family, I would wake up out of my sleep, and answer the call coming in at 3 a.m. because “they need me.” (Insane, I know.)

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I’m so proud to say I’ve finally set boundaries to allow myself peace! Some of you, who know me personally, may have noticed contacting me after 11 p.m. and before 10 a.m. is pretty much pointless. Those 11 hours are for me! Granted, 7 of those hours, I’m asleep but please DO NOT DISTURB!!

I never knew how beautiful a good night sleep was! I mean I wake up energized and ready to take on the obstacles of the day. I’m more positive. I mean, I’ve even made my bed every day this week (this is a huge deal)!

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Another change I’ve made, recently, was to turn off social media at 10 p.m. and not log back in until after 11 a.m. I remember nights where I‘ve fallen asleep, phone in hand, scrolling through Facebook, Instagram, or Twitter. And, as soon as my eyes opened, I would start scrolling again. Looking back, it’s a little embarrassing. Like, why are you so attached to social media?

Well, I still can’t answer that question. But what I can share is, so much pressure and anxiety has been lifted since I limited my social media intake. I’ve been able to complete so many small goals that I just couldn’t find the time for, prior to setting this boundary. It’s almost as if I’m thinking clearer!

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As I glide through this year of healing, I’ll add additional boundaries as needed. What I always keep in the front of my mind is MY BOUNDARIES ARE FOR ME!! They aren’t to impress anyone, nor does it matter how anyone feels, good or bad, about them. It’s about creating a safe space for me to feel, grow, and heal my wounds.

Happy Healing, Loves!

(All new journeys will be uploaded the 1st and 3rd Saturday of each month by 12:30 EST)

I am BEAUTIFUL. I am PASSIONATE. I will LOVE.

A Piece of Pieces

Today, I accept reality. A reality, at least 27 years in the making. A reality, easy to mask around others. A reality, meant to force the stigmas of the world on me, in hopes to keep me shackled in defeat. But, today I accept reality, breaking the chains of the generational curses attempting to drag my soul into the darkest pits of hell. So let’s talk about it…

I’ve used everything in my reach to hold my heart together, for all these years. I started with glue, tracing the cracks of abandonment, formed by the selfish acts of an unavailable father. Next, I used tape to realign the shattered pieces of neglect, caused by a mother simply stretched too thin. Afterwards, I found rubber bands to hold the falling pieces of rejection caused by, well way too many events to name. Truth? My heart is broken…

…

So how do you love with a broken heart?

You don’t…

You can’t…

It’s impossible!

…

Honestly, as I look at 2021, my only goal is to mend my brokenness. To, not only, forgive myself of my transgressions and my transgressors, but to genuinely let go of the pain. I have so many emotions bottled up from my past, I thought I had let go of, yet they constantly show up in my thoughts and actions.

I no longer want to be responsible for my own self-destruction. And, I no longer want to wait for anyone to correct their actions with me. A lot of the individuals that have hurt me no longer have access to me and that’s perfectly acceptable. However, I still have to do the work to fix the crack the interaction caused in my life.

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The most nerve wracking part for me is creating my own closure. It makes me realize I haven’t had closure from several obstacles in my past. Instead, I built walls that allowed me to become numb to everything. Shutting out not only people who have hurt me, but the ones who haven’t also. Now, I’m ready to live… vividly. Breaking down these walls will be so difficult, but I’m ready. After spending the majority of my life only operating on surface level emotions, I’m over it. I want to feel! I want to enjoy and experience life in wholeness.

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Mending my heart is the only obligation I have, this year.

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So, y’all ready to explore this crazy journey with me!

Stay tuned & look out for more pieces!

(All new journeys will be uploaded the 1st and 3rd Saturday of each month by 12:30 EST)

I am BEAUTIFUL. I am PASSIONATE. I will LOVE.

Twenty Twenty-One

So here we are! The beginning of a new year. How are you guys feeling? I’m sure you’re ready to see what 2021 has in store. Honestly, while optimistic, I don’t really have any requirements or expectations for this year. I mean, last year exposed so many insecurities for me, I honestly just want to focus on digging deeper within myself.

This year, I want to actually set goals, and see them through. Things like: spending more time with family, staying positive when things don’t look good, and setting an obtainable sleep schedule. Of course, fitness and eating healthier are also on the list, however, I’ve learned fitness is more than just working out and eating right. It has to do with your mental state as well.

With that being said, before I dive into a workout/eating schedule I won’t stay committed to, I want to tap into why I think the way I do. Why I shut down randomly and isolate myself from my family and friends. What about certain seasons cause me to be much more sensitive than others. And, what I can do to genuinely change my perspective.

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One goal I have for this year is to be more creative. Between writing, makeup, nails, and hair, I should have more than enough to keep my creative juices flowing. These avenues are not only creative, but with so many different looks and styles available, I can challenge myself, endlessly. Plus, my family is more than willing to let me practice on them!

Another goal I have for this year, is to hold myself accountable for letting others know how they’ve impacted me. I’ve noticed, I tend to be “on the fence” when it comes to telling others how their actions have affected me. I become quiet or pretend nothings wrong while over analyzing my actions and value to the relationship, whatever it may be. Honestly, my overall goal is to continue to be the best me I can be!

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Alright you cool kids, I don’t want to elongate this journey, unnecessarily. With 2020 wrapping up, and the new year just starting, I genuinely just want to say HAPPY NEW YEAR! I pray this year brings you endless blessings. May you remain healthy and continue to work on you!

I love y’all!

(Photo Courtesy of Google)

(All new journeys will be uploaded the 1st and 3rd Saturday of each month by 12:30 EST)

I am BEAUTIFUL. I am PASSIONATE. I will LOVE.

Letting Go

“…Closure is just an excuse to hold on to what’s no longer for you…”

-Someone’s Twitter account

Man, those words hit so hard when I read them. I mean, I felt as though the author pried into my deepest thoughts, reviewed the intimate details of my most recent lov- no, lust connection, and saw how my heart was begging for answers it will never receive.

What happened? Why is he so upset? How do I fix it? What did I even do? How can he just ignore me like this? Is it really over? No, it can’t be… I’ll do anything to fix this… PLEASE JUST TALK TO ME!!!

Once done invading my mind, the writer of this tweet, must have felt overwhelmed, emotionally drained, and utterly confused. Instead of smacking the hell out of me and telling me to get a grip, she formed a tweet gracefully telling me to let it go! I’m so grateful I stumbled across those words.

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Honestly, the details of what happened don’t matter. What’s important is I was so intrigued by the attention I was getting from this young man, I didn’t realize I had literally allowed my life to be consumed, in a very unhealthy way. I mean, we would literally talk all day, only giving each other maybe 3 hours of “me” time.

When we weren’t talking to each other, on the phone, we were enjoying one another’s company in person. We even fell asleep on FaceTime together. Honestly, I don’t blame either one of us. This whole COVID life makes it easy to become codependent on someone else’s presence, especially when the chemistry’s there.

One thing’s for sure, there were some red flags that were ignored on both parts. Now, I don’t like to view red flags as bad or negative. For me, they simply allude to incompatibilities between two individuals. In this situation, yes I genuinely cared about him, however, there were several characteristics, I knew weren’t compatible with my personality, but, I chose to overlook them just to have someone around.

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Needless to say, we didn’t last long at all. Long story short, after several months of constant communication, he ghosted me. I was completely distraught! I cried off and on the entire weekend. And, when Monday came along, I called in to work just to stay in bed and cry some more.

By the time I woke up, halfway through the day, I was feeling better but still displaced. You see, he filled all of my free time. So with us not talking anymore I was lost. What was I supposed to do to fill that time? That’s when it hit me! While he was a good guy, our connection was toxic. We had no time to live our separate lives.

I wasn’t reading anymore, nor was I writing. I wasn’t even creating new makeup looks. I definitely wasn’t reading my Bible or praying as I should. I simply didn’t have time to. So now that the situationship is over I’m finally getting back to me.

…

When everything first happened, all I wanted was answers. I wanted to know why I wasn’t good enough. I wanted to know why it was so easy to throw me away. I wanted to “fix” myself to make ”me” better for him. Then, I didn’t care about us fixing things, I just wanted to know why.

But now, I’m so content! I’ve accepted, we simply weren’t compatible and that’s that. I’m overall, grateful for the time we spend together, and wish him nothing but the best. And, I’m so thankful to know, closure is not finding out “why.”

For me, closure is about accepting your uncontrollables, making a conscientious decision to work on your mistakes, and learning when to know the difference. Hmm, that sounds like the Serenity Prayer. Never heard it? Well here, indulge & enjoy!

“God grant me the serenity

To accept the things I cannot change;

Courage to change the things I can;

And wisdom to know the difference.”

(Source: Google)

I love y’all!

(All new journeys will be uploaded the 1st and 3rd Saturday of each month by 12:30 EST)

I am BEAUTIFUL. I am PASSIONATE. I will LOVE.

Closing the Gap

It’s been so long, since I’ve sat down and wrote what was genuinely on my heart. You know, letting you all in, without limitation, fear, or regret. Showing you, the depths of my heart, without caring if you’ll accept me or not. Honestly, a part of me wonders if I can go back to being that free. The other part wonders what happened to me…

How did I go from sharing my life lessons, to hiding in silence? From just wanting to leave a positive imprint on this world, to running from my calling… From knowing my value, to questioning the currency… From standing up for the voiceless, to becoming one of the voiceless… What happened to me…?

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Beautiful. Passionate. Love. turned two on October 9th, 2020. I know, I should have at least celebrated this milestone with you all, however, why celebrate what’s dead. That’s right…I said it. She was dead to me. Full transparency, I thought about shutting the site down the same day she turned two.

You see, when I stopped exploring with you all, it wasn’t planned nor was it by choice. Hell, I don’t even think it really hit me that I had stopped until about 3 weeks after not posting. I can’t even tell you how many journeys I started but couldn’t finish. How many nights I thought about chapters of my life I should share but couldn’t find the words. So I just stopped…

If you’ve ever been passionate about anything, you know not having access to that [thing] can be traumatic. Well, to be a writer with no words is literally heart breaking. Writing is not only how I communicate, it’s how I de-stress. It’s how I come to grips with whatever the world throws at me. When I lost my words I lost my voice, so I saw no point in continuing Beautiful. Passionate. Love..

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So, for months now, I’ve been silent… I’ve been fearful… I’ve been disengaged… And, I’ve been embarrassed… I’ve severed potential business opportunities because I couldn’t see past my self doubt. I’ve caused damage to friendships and family bonds because I couldn’t see my value. I stopped hanging out, and started staying in, all because I didn’t know how to write (or even scream) one word… “HELP.”

H.E.L.P. Why does this word choke me up and shut down every path of effective communication? What am I so afraid to reach out? And, what do I need help with? Pshh… I wish I had the answer to all three questions. I don’t. I wish I could just wake up tomorrow and this miserable feeling would magically be washed away. Because we all know this isn’t possible, I have to choose to push through. But, how?

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Emotionally, I am hurting. Mentally, I am confused. Physically, I am living my best life. What I seek is balance. I want to say I’m doing well and genuinely mean it. I want to be able to say the issues I’ve had with my mother and father are behind me. I want to be a cycle breaker for my family…

I’ve been thinking about what I can do, to position myself to regain my stability in life. Honestly, I still don’t have the answer. I mean I’m looking into the obvious suggestions (i.e. therapy, prayer, journaling), however, I know those alone won’t work for me. A part of my healing has been this platform. Therefore, I have to find my words and continue to share openly and honestly with you all.

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With that being said, I am so glad to announce we will be exploring together twice a month. At this time, I do feel Saturday’s are best. I’m thinking, the 1st and 3rd Saturday of each month! Thank you all for continuing to explore with me.

I love y’all!

(All new journeys will be uploaded the 1st and 3rd Saturday of each month by 12:30 EST)

I am BEAUTIFUL. I am PASSIONATE. I will LOVE.

Twenty-Eight

Hey family!!! I’m sure you’ve noticed today isn’t Saturday. I wanted to journey with you all today, however, because I’m closing out another chapter on my life. That’s right! IT’S MY BIRTHDAY!!! Today I turn 28… I know I can’t believe it either… While reflecting on the last year, I think about my greatest accomplishments and my greatest failures. Hope you’re ready! Indulge & Enjoy!

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Man, God had truly blessed me over the last year. Whether it be moving from one state to another, or simply waking me up to see another day, He has never lifted His hand from my life, and I am eternally grateful. I mean, name anyone in this world who would continue to love and support you, regardless of the times you’ve turned your back on them. You can’t! And, that’s why, though my relationship with God isn’t as strong as I desire, He will always be the author of my story and the navigation on all journeys of my life.

Now, during this 27th year of life, I can’t say I’ve accomplished everything I set out to, however, I’ve taken rather large leaps of faith, and the Father has been there to catch me every time I’ve fallen. What more could I ask for?

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For me, the age of 28 signifies two different attributes of my personality that usually lay dormant in the background, FEARLESSNESS & BOLDNESS. For the last few days, I’ve felt the word fearlessness heavy in my spirit. And, I feel, this year it’s important for me to address it head-on!

Now, some of you, who know me personally are probably thinking… “ She picked up and moved to a whole new state last year. How is she not fearless?” And, your right, I did and that showed a level of fearlessness I want throughout my life!

This also leads me to the second part of my personality, boldness. I’ve always lacked the boldness that I’ve desired. Even in school, when answering a question, I would know my answer was correct, but still, say it in the form of a question because I was unsure. Not anymore!!!

I will be bold in my actions, words, thoughts, and feelings. And, if mistakes are made, I will be bold in accepting ownership and correcting my mistakes. No longer will I be the meek person waiting to be approached for an opportunity. I will show my interest in whatever is presented! And, if I’m not chosen I WILL CREATE MY OWN OPPORTUNITIES!

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With all this being said, I really want to welcome you all into Chapter 28 of my life! I’m blessed to see this day and so grateful to share it with you all! I pray you join me on my journey of fearlessness and boldness as we encourage one another to be their true authentic self!

This will take the place of our journey for Saturday May 30th. I will see you all on June 6th!

Love yall!

And, Happy Birthday to Me!!!

(All new journeys will be uploaded Saturdays by 12:30 EST)

I am BEAUTIFUL. I am PASSIONATE. I will LOVE.

March Madness

Hey family! It’s the last Saturday in this crazy month, and can I just say… THANK GOODNESS! So much has transpired for me this month, (some good, some bad, and some not yet categorized), I feel it’s necessary to this self-reflection journey, and fully close the door on a few chapters in life. Are y’all ready to explore with me? Indulge & Enjoy!

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My Past…

You seem to creep up on me when I least expect it,

Reminding me, I’m not far from where I started.

You encourage me to give up,

And, revert back to the sins I used to love.

You wrap your arms around me,

As a reminder, I’ll never be free.

Yet, daily I push on…

And on, I will continue to push.

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Today, I officially say goodbye to you. No more trying to fix relationships that just won’t work (romantically or platonic). No more holding on to moments, unworthy of my attention.

Today, I change the locks on my heart, to make sure your key no longer works. I accept you, I love you, and I appreciate you. Please don’t “drop by,” or “check-in,” I promise I’ll always be okay… Be blessed.

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My Present…

I constantly ignore you,

As I check-in, to see who’s come back around.

I pretend it’s not that serious,

As I slowly drift back to my old ways.

I always repeat this cycle,

Walking away from you to reminisce.

Yet, daily, you push me to push on…

And on, I will continue to push.

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I’m here! I’m presently present! I want to pour into you and admire our time together. We both know this isn’t going to be easy, but I’m here. I promise to be committed to you and appreciate what you have to offer.

I know I’m a lot to deal with, and at times I’m all over the place, so thank you for never giving up on me. Please, continue to force me to keep my head up… I love you!

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My Future…

Damn, you are always in the back of my mind,

Knowing every choice I make alters a different time.

I wish I could see more of you,

Just to show me what it is I need to do.

To give up my past is such a risk,

What if I don’t enjoy the unknown that doesn’t yet exist?

Yet, daily, we push on…

And on, we will continue to push.

…

I do not own you, therefore I promise to let you be and to stop trying to control you. I also promise, to enjoy the precious moments that are passing me by. I know it’s not easy for you to sit and watch me make the same mistakes over and over again, so I’ll try to make better choices in life.

You are so bright and beautiful. You have so much potential! Don’t let me or anyone else dim your light! As the days, months, and years pass the one thing I always want you to remember is, I love the strong, vibrant, beautiful, woman you grow into daily. The best is yet to come…

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March showed me some really dark days. At times, I felt as though my voice had been taken from me, again. I struggled to see my beauty. I struggled to feel loved. I even struggled to love myself. In the midst of all of my struggling, I knew if I just continued to go through the motions I would feel again.

If this month was a struggle for you, I want you to journey through why. When you have your why(s), I want you to sit down and truly reflect on them. Are they true? Are they changeable? Can you change them? Can you remove them from your life? From here, make the necessary changes to protect your peace. No one on this earth can overcome your struggles but you. I love y’all.

…

(All new journeys will be uploaded Saturdays by 12:30 EST)

I am BEAUTIFUL. I am PASSIONATE. I will LOVE.

January’s Reflection

The 4th Saturday of the month already? Geesh, Where has the time gone? Well., Welcome to our First monthly reflection!! This is where we will journey through the highs and lows of the month. Also, this is where any questions regarding previous journeys throughout the month will be answered.

We don’t have any questions to answer thus far this month, so this week will focus more on my feelings throughout the month. Cool Beans? Well, let’s explore! Indulge & Enjoy!

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New Beginnings…

What better way to start a new year than with a new exciting business venture? Well that’s exactly what I did when I introduced the beauty aspect of B.P.L.! I was Over the moon excited to share a talent I enjoy so much with the world (still am). The truth is, it didn’t take off the way I wanted it to.

At first, I was discouraged and frustrated. I wanted to post random rants on Facebook. You know like, “Support those who support you…” and blah, blah, blah. (Petty, I know.) I’m so glad I didn’t though. This expansion has taught me so much about myself! I realized how fearless I am and how resilient I’ve become.

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Foundations…

With every journey you embark on you should always start with building a foundation. What are some words that come to mind for you, when you think about the foundation you want for this year? Here’s a few for me: strong, faith, growth, humble, courageous, focused, and consistent.

The relationships blooming in my life are amazing, and a solid part of my foundation! A few years back, in New York, my Pastor, at the time, would always advise on the importance of community. Honestly, at that moment in my life, I was content with being alone, therefore I didn’t take his teachings to heart. Now, here I am in 2020, telling myself, and anyone who will listen, the importance of having a Godly community! (If you’re reading Pastor Mel, thank you!)

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Faith…

My goodness! I can’t even begin to explain how amazing my faith journey has been this first month of the year! I’ve become more honest with myself, which allows me to be more open with you all. Not that I wasn’t open before, but I will admit I feared being judged by readers who didn’t understand where I was coming from or where I am going. But now, I’m free! Judge me, love me, hate me, adore me, I couldn’t care less!

I’ve learned to trust God in all aspects of my life (another lesson, I could’ve learned from my previous Pastor had I actually listened). One of the greatest flaws on my walk of faith was, only giving God access to what I wanted His help with. So, I would give him access to my finances but not my relationships or give him my relationship with my parents but not my significant other. Well, towards the end of 2019 I gave him access to my entire life and it was the greatest decision I’ve ever made.

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Future…

Would you believe me if I told you I don’t really have a plan for this year? I’m not going to say this is the year I’ll lose 100lbs, or this will be the year, I meet my future husband. I don’t know what this year will bring my way… What I do know is with God by my side, I know it will be a year full of blessings and amazing opportunities!

Well, I guess I do have a plan for the year… Move out of God’s way and let Him work!

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(All new journeys will be uploaded Saturdays by 12:30 EST)

I am BEAUTIFUL. I am PASSIONATE. I will LOVE.