Big Girls Don’t Cry…

~Hello Beautiful People! I pray your week has been full of blessings and love. It’s that time again! Take a break and go on a journey with me. Indulge and enjoy!~ 

At a very young age, writing (especially poetry) became an outlet for me, I would never let people read my work though. My writing wasn’t a secret, the topics, however, were very up close and personal for me. I would write about the situations I was too afraid to tell my Mom,  the conversations that made me cry myself to sleep at night, the thoughts that constantly tormented my mind.

One day, someone told me “…don’t ever write something you aren’t ready for the world to see…” I don’t remember who I was talking to or the context of this conversation but, this one line has followed me my entire life. Along with not remembering the full conversation, also I don’t know what the individual was trying to tell me. My mind interpreted the statement to mean, “Once your thoughts are on paper you don’t have full control of them anymore…”  I do know, after this conversation my writing slowed down drastically. I no longer trusted the pen to accurately write my feelings or paper to keep my secrets. 

Not having a pen and paper as my confidant was rough. It’s like getting into a fight with your best friend, you want to call them but, are worried they are still upset. I would fight back in forth in my mind on writing down my thoughts but, I was too paranoid that somehow my secrets would get out. That’s when a friend introduced the idea of writing down thoughts and ripping them to pieces at the end. I tried it but, I felt and still feel by ripping the pages up when I’m done, I am discrediting and devaluing my own feelings and emotions. 

Now, I’m back to not writing at all. I felt my frustration level increasing every day I wasn’t writing but, what was I suppose to do? I couldn’t just sit down and talk about what was bothering me, people couldn’t be trusted. So, I decided to hold everything in. When someone asks how I was doing I would say fine, put on that fake smile we all have, and keep it moving. The more I did this, the more people saw me as “angry,” or having an “attitude.” 

   Side Note: The most frustrating feeling in the world is being asked why you’re angry when you’re not. Or to lose the attitude when you don’t have one. It makes you angry and creates the very attitude you’re trying to prove you don’t have.

But, all of the people asking me “Why do you always look so angry,” can’t be making it up, right? Why am I coming across so upset… am I actually upset? How can they see anger but they can’t sadness, pain, or even frustration? This week, I was looking for something in my email and came across a folder of poetry I wrote years ago. This particular poem proves while everyone saw anger and attitude, I actually felt fear and even abandonment. Take a look…

Big Girls Don’t Cry
I’m afraid to show you I cry,
I don’t want you to think I’m soft, 
I don’t want you to push me off,
That’s why I’m afraid to show you I cry…
I’m afraid to show you I cry
Because I’m strong,
I can take care of myself, 
I need no one’s help,
That’s why I’m afraid to show you I cry…
I’m afraid to show you I cry,
I don’t want to trust you
Because I know you’ll walk away,
I’ll show you my true feelings if you promise to stay…
That’s why I’m afraid to cry.
-03-09-09

Truth? I was… No, I AM, also angry. I’m angry because, with all the emotions I possess, all they see is anger. I’m angry because I’m holding years of hurt and pain. I’m angry because I feel my voice has been silenced the majority of my life. I’m angry because there’s a monsoon swirling around in my head that has nowhere to go. I’m angry because anger is the easiest to show, its the emotion I see the most.  

While blogging has been the most rewarding start to this journey, it is by far the only step needed. I have decided to take the next step…therapy. Yes, you read it correctly, therapy. Yes, I am well aware of the stigma surrounding therapy/counseling, especially in the black community and, no, I’m not crazy.  I have to unpack all these years of just letting life happen.  

What does that mean for Beautiful. Passionate. Love? More transparency! I will continue posting every Saturday, you’ll just get to see more of me. As I unpack in therapy, I’ll share it with you! This does mean you will feel more emotions in my writing. I will be discussing topics that I have never shared, with anyone, before. Some will be as hard for you to read as they are for me to write. What I will ask is that you all continue to respect my decision to be fully transparent in telling my truth. I am excited to voyage deeper into this journey.

With next week being Thanksgiving there will NOT  be a post next Saturday, November 24th. Remember to be thankful for whatever you’ve been blessed with and have a very Happy Thanksgiving! I love and appreciate you all.

As always, feel free to ask questions and/or leave feedback in the comments section. Don’t forget to like us on Facebook!

Beautiful Passionate Love

(All new post will be uploaded Saturdays by 12:30 EST)

I am BEAUTIFUL. I am PASSIONATE. I will LOVE.

What I See- Is Not Me

~Hey BPL Family! I pray this week has brought you beauty, passion, and love. Let’s jump right in! Indulge and enjoy!~

I need a favor, grab something you can see your reflection in. Got something? Good, now look into it.  What do you think about the person you see? How do you feel about the reflection staring back at you? Why do you associate those feelings/thoughts, good or bad, with yourself? Are they yours or have they been fed to you over the course of your life? Do you even know?

Okay, let me start by saying this post is going to take you being honest with yourself. I mean, it’s not like we’re sitting in a circle, in the middle of a room, staring into mirrors shouting what we hate about ourselves to the person across from us. So seriously, take a deep breath look at your reflection and record(write down) what comes to mind when you look at yourself.

Looking at my reflection, words such as broken, damaged and unworthy come to mind. Feelings like sadness, discouragement, hurt and anger fill my heart. But why… While in reflection, I think about the first time I felt diminished. A very unintentional event taking place all the way back in Kindergarten, where children’s only concerns should be making friends and snack time. I remember, literally like it was yesterday, being in recess with my best friend Tess, my cousin Jonathan, and his best friend Dallas.

We were having the time of our lives trying to evade nap time, riding those red tricycles, that were in every school back in the 90s.  We had a couple of lunch monitors on the playground with us while our teachers, I assume, were off having lunch of their own (or maybe naptime). One of the “lunch ladies”  wanted to know what we all want to be when we grow up, a 5 or 6-year-olds favorite question. Now, I don’t remember how Tess and Dallas answered this question but, I’m almost positive my cousin said he wanted to be a firefighter. No, he has not yet fulfilled his childhood dream, but there’s still time! (He probably doesn’t even remember it to be honest.) I waited for my turn to come along, as patiently as a 5-year-old could.

Back Story Break: I’ve been on the heavier side for as long as I can remember. Definitely since before I started school. I skipped pre-school, which is why I say I don’t know how to play well with others, and while my mom was at work she would have her Aunt watch my little brother and me. My cousins’ nickname for me was “Fat Mama Lu-Lu,” which I never understood because the nickname was 10x longer than my real name. I understood the reference though because it focused on my weight. Looking back at it, them being in their late teens and early 20s, I don’t think they intended to hurt my feelings but they did. Wow, this may actually be the starting cause to my low self-esteem.

Back on the playground, it’s my turn to share, “I want to be a Beautiful Ballerina,” I shout with excitement! The lunch lady looks at me. With no hesitation or thought, she responds “Well, you’re going to have to lose a lot of weight for that to happen.” I remember my heart dropping, of course at the time I had no idea it dropped, I just knew what she said wasn’t nice. I didn’t know how to respond. Johnathan, Tess, Dallas and I continued playing, I’m pretty sure they never thought about it again. I did though.

Now,  I’m not an expert on children nor are either one of my degrees in behavioral studies but, I believe, the most critical time of finding out who you are and what you like as an adolescent is from 4 to 8 years old. These are the years of discovery that will lay the foundation to who you will become. The question, “Do you like to color or solve puzzles?” Will one day become, “Are you more artistic or logical?” Children, at this age, should still be operating in the mindset of “Anything is possible,” to ensure they don’t set premature limitations on their future.

Before the age of 10, I was made aware of the “not being good enough” notion, and how it applied to my life. I was too big to be a beautiful ballerina. For me, “anything” was no longer possible, my naivety was stripped from me and I was jolted to reality. What can I be- became what can’t I be- and doubting my ability became normal to me.

Though I wasn’t directly told I couldn’t be a ballerina, the doubt had been planted. Even worse than doubt being planted, my appearance was criticized.  I became aware that you could be too big to do certain things. How does a 5-year-old process she can’t be whatever she wants because she’s too big? INTERNALLY.

Though my Mom is an AMAZING mother, she was always tough on me and didn’t like cry babies. I didn’t feel comfortable going to her with what the lunch lady said. I also never to her being called “Fat Mama Lu-Lu,” by my cousins, really hurt my feelings. What I did instead was “suck it up.” I’m sure most of you are familiar with the term “suck it up” but, if you look it up in the Urban Dictionary, one of the most common definitions is to endure a period of mental, physical, or emotional hardship with no complaining.

Sucking it up” was introduced at such an early age by this time in my life it was already second nature. What I never knew was, all the obstacles I was getting through by “sucking it up” I would have to be dealt with one day or they would only get worst.  Today, I am the result of the latter.

So, you know how I felt about the person looking back at me and you know some of why. What’s even more important to know is, those thoughts and feelings aren’t me! They aren’t even my own to think or feel. From the age of 5 until now, I’ve heard so many negative things about myself, I held on to all of them and, replayed them constantly. But, what happened to all the positive things I’ve heard throughout my life? I held on to them also, I just forgot to press play!

It’s time to press stop and delete on the negative and press play on the positive! As always, feel free to ask questions and/or leave feedback in the comments section. Don’t forget to like us on Facebook!

Beautiful Passionate Love

(All new post will be uploaded Saturdays by 12:30 EST)

I am BEAUTIFUL. I am PASSIONATE. I will LOVE.

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Taking a Chance

Staring out of the window at work I think to myself…

Do you really want to do this? Are you going to invite anyone who wants to read this into what may be one of the most personal journeys of your life? Will you be transparent enough for them? Will anyone read it? If they do read it will they care? If they care will they understand? What will you even write…

The longer I looked out the window the more I felt an urge to just close my computer and buy a journal. “I mean you love to write anyway so just write it out,” I thought to myself.  What’s the point in making your thoughts feelings and life available to the world? No one wants to read about your problems.

I mean these thoughts of mine are making a ton of sense! What will I gain from sharing snippets of my story?  A voice, a platform to help others, some sanity from all these thoughts roaming so freely? There are enough people ranting and raving about their problems on the internet, mine definitely don’t need to be there.

But who said anything about complaining? This isn’t a place to voice my problems! It’s a place to celebrate my wins! To openly express to everyone willing to read that I’m nowhere near perfect AND THAT’S OKAY. I will definitely struggle and have moments where I want to give up! The best part is you all have a front row seat to watching me push through!

I invite you to kick back with me weekly as I step out of my comfort zone into my discovery zone. Welcome to Beautiful Passionate Love (The Journey to Discovering Me).

See you soon!

(All new post will be uploaded Saturdays by 12:30 EST)

 

I am BEAUTIFUL. I am PASSIONATE. I will LOVE.