Let Go, Move On

~ Hey Hey! I pray this week pushed you to do something unexpected for someone un-expecting! As you know, weekly we journey through what I’ve focused on all week. With that being said, we’re going to switch paths from Breaking Free. If we need to go back there, by all means, we will, however, today we’re going to close the door on trauma Breaking Free dealt with. Ready to journey together! Me too. Indulge & Enjoy!~


Yes, they hurt you…

Yes, they made you cry…

Yes, they stole from you…

Yes, they used you…

Guess what they also did…

MOVED ON with their lives…


You’ve held onto the sadness…

You’ve held onto this pain…

You’ve held onto the memories…

You’ve nearly driven yourself insane…

Guess what you’ve also done …

Become COMPLACENT


Back then, you didn’t have a choice…

Back then, you were too young…

Back then, you didn’t have a voice…

Back then, you couldn’t even run…

Guess what else you couldn’t do…

Determine what is YET TO COME


Now, you are BEAUTIFUL

Now, you are STRONG

Now, you are a FIGHTER

Now it’s time to MOVE ON!!!

This week, I kept hearing a voice say, “Let go and move on.” At first, I was offended… “This is my journey and I will dwell on my pain for as long as I want…” I continuously thought to myself. As the week progressed, I realized the significance of the sweet, soft voice telling me to let go…

All week, I felt tired… I couldn’t focus on my meal plan… I even missed a workout!! My energy was literally draining from me and now I know why.

Over the course of the last two weeks, I have reflected NONSTOP on the negative events of the past. Mentally and physically I was ready to move on, however, emotionally I was obsessing over exploring all the obstacles affecting me from blossoming.  Turns out, at this present moment, I am the main obstacle contributing to my bondage…

It’s time to get out of your sadness and stand tall. You can’t change your past, and you can’t predict your future. Guess what you can do though…

ENJOY THE PRESENT MOMENT!!!

Stop feeling sorry for yourself. Quit forcing yourself to miss out because you don’t feel worthy. Smile… Laugh… Make lasting memories… Be happy!!
As always, feel free to ask questions and/or leave feedback in the comments section.

(All new post will be uploaded Saturdays by 12:30 EST)

I am BEAUTIFUL. I am PASSIONATE. I will LOVE.

Breaking Free-Part 2

~Hey Hey!!! I pray this week made you think twice about the events of your past you constantly wish had never happened… EVERYTHING in your past is what makes you the beautiful person you are today! Ready to journey deeper into Breaking Free? Indulge and Enjoy!~

How did you do it? How did you convince my Mom that you were a good guy? How did you pull the wool over my Grandma’s eyes? How did my Aunts and Uncles think you were all about family? How did you persuade me you were a father figure?

They were too accepting… They got too comfortable… They were too wrapped up in whatever life was throwing at them. They couldn’t see the evil in you… They didn’t want to see it…

I was too insecure… I was too naive… I was too young… I was extremely damaged… But I knew something wasn’t right… I was just too desperate… Too desperate to feel the love of a Father… Too desperate to feel wanted unconditionally… Yet there were so many conditions…

You taught me the “L” word… No, not Love, Lust… You masked it by saying “I love you” though… You preyed on my youth… You twisted my thoughts to believe love meant access… Honestly, I still get the two confused from time to time… I mean, after all, teaching a 5th grader her body is the only asset she has can create muddy thoughts.

You built trust, with me, by portraying a Father figure. When my Mom said “No,” you said “Yes.” When I cried, you wiped my tears. When I was tired of wearing baggy clothes, you purchased me clothes that made me feel girly (really they just accentuated my body). I mean you brought me my first prepaid cell phone! Under one condition… “When I call, you better answer…

Baby Girl Baby GirlBaby Girl… My goodness, I hate being called that. I mean, it’s kind of sad because all I ever wanted was to be my Father’s baby girl. But, to this day, I cringe when anyone uses that phrase towards me.

Answer me this, why were you so obsessed with me? Grooming me was taking too long, huh? So, you found a girlfriend. Why did she have to have the same name as me (just spelled differently)? Why was she almost the same complexion as me? Why did you stare at me while talking to her? And, why did you call her baby girl?

Why were you so bold? It was almost as if the thrill of someone seeing what you were doing to me, made it more exciting for you. I can still remember the little things like how my seat in the car had to be next to you. Or, the time you pinned me against the wall, in the kitchen, and literally touched every part of my body while forcing me to kiss you. There was always someone around, just never close enough to save me.

How did I allow you to convince me to run away from home? I mean after all you had already done to me, why did I still trust you? Why did I think you had my best interest at heart? Why did I still think you could love me as a daughter?

But I did it… I packed my favorite outfits, called you (as planned) and waited for my “friend” to pick me up… only he never came. I remember you going on and on about how you should just buy bus tickets for us so that we’d be together… That’s when it clicked. You were never going to be the father I was searching for…

My plan was to make it through the night, talk to some of my friends, and see if their parents would let me stay with them. So, you offered to let me sleep in your room… Never did you mention you’d be in the bed too…

You stole my ability to trust… You stole my ability to love… For many years, you even stole my ability to desire my father’s presence in my life… You, Monster 3, planted a fear so deeply rooted in me, I’m afraid I’ll never fully break free…

Thank you…

I know several readers are confused, maybe even frustrated that I say “thank you” at the end of this post. (Shoulder Shrug) I can’t change how you feel. What I can say is remember what I said at the beginning of this post…

EVERYTHING in your past is what makes you the BEAUTIFUL person you are today!

So yes, I thanked him. I thanked him because day by day, I am becoming more and more in love with the BEAUTIFUL WOMAN that is me. I thanked him because this chapter of my life is still teaching me how to FIGHT. I thanked him because his cowardly, perverted acts played a part in creating the STRONG MINDED person you all are getting to know and love. But, most importantly, if this post ever finds it’s way to him, I need him to read it and know his devilish actions didn’t steal my JOY!

Though the events are unfortunate, they happen. Not only did they happen, but they also made me STRONGER!

Love Y’all.

As always, feel free to ask questions and/or leave feedback in the comments section.

(All new post will be uploaded Saturdays by 12:30 EST)

I am BEAUTIFUL. I am PASSIONATE. I will LOVE.

Breaking Free- Part 1

~What’s up Beautiful Family!! I pray this week was a struggle… I pray you felt pressure. No, this isn’t me being mean, pressure is how diamonds are made! The next couple of weeks are going to be slightly different from previous posts, however, it’s much needed and I’m sure you’ll still be able to enjoy them! Are you ready to explore together? Me too! Let’s dive in. Indulge & Enjoy!!~

They told me you would protect me… you didn’t. They told me you would support me… you never have. They told me you would always love me… I’m confident, you hate me. The world painted you to be my hero, but a monster is all I see.

Sometimes I lie awake at night, wondering if you realize all you took from me… Did you actually know what you were doing? Were you aware that your actions would cause me to fear the unseen? You’ll never understand how it feels to fear love, REAL LOVE… Not the “what can you do for me” type of love you forced on me…

The darkness in you follows me daily… I struggle with my unknown destiny because I don’t feel worthy. I’ve never felt worthy… You are the mastermind that still controls my vulnerabilities. I hate that I’ve yet to experience fully loving myself. I hate that when I’m too low, it’s difficult to look in the mirror and face the little girl crying out to be rescued…

Sometimes, I get so frustrated when people tell me how mature I am for my age. They don’t know why I matured so quickly. I hate that my maturity is based on my life experiences and I hate that you’re one of my earliest life experiences…

What caused you to think of me as a sexual conquest instead of the little girl I was? You weren’t that much older than me, so what happen to you that caused you to use me? Use me… Wow… today’s the first day I actually accepted your actions as what they are…

YOU USED ME… I was your experiment… I was your project… I was your way of learning the female body… But I was only 5… FIVE!!! I never had a chance to show my innocence… I never had the opportunity to experience love without my body being the main attraction. But how can a 5-year-old be stripped of their innocence?

Who hurt you? What did they do? How many times did it happen? Were you forced to keep quiet too? Did they force themselves inside of you just to see “what it was like?” Did you beg for them to stop? Do you still think about it?

Does your soul plead with your heart to forgive them? Do you look in the mirror,at times, and see them standing behind you? In the shower, do you feel their hands all over you as you attempt, for the trillionth time, to scrub yourself clean? Are you afraid to sleep alone? I am.

Some nights, I can feel you lying right next to me. Watching me, making sure I keep “our little secrets…” Other nights, you’re not there when I fall asleep, but then, in the middle of the night, I feel you creating yet another secret for me to keep… As I squirm and whence to break free of your grip, I look around and there’s no one in the room but me…

You created a cycle in my life. You forced sex on me. You forced me into a world I knew nothing about… and then when you became tired or bored, you moved on with your life. I was so thankful you didn’t want me anymore…

I didn’t know someone had been watching you though. Studying every action. Being groomed into the monster they admired day and night. When you were done with me they had learned just enough to take your place…

Monsters number TWO, THREE, and FOUR were even worse to face…

I want you to know, I forgive you. Though it’s crazy, I have nothing but love in my heart for you. Despite all that you’ve done to me I want nothing but the best for you. I pray blessings over you and I pray you’re at peace with the choices you’ve made in life. Honestly, most of the time, I pray for your future children and wife…

Today you’ve lost control of me, I will no longer live in fear. I will no longer wonder why… And I will no longer shed these tears. I know I have a destiny, and the space in my mind you’re residing in, RENT FREE, is needed for me to grow. My past does not define me and neither do your actions…

I forgive you… I FORGIVE YOU! My FREEDOM depends on it. You’ve kept me bound for entirely too long.

STAY BLESSED…

Some of you won’t understand the importance of what transpired today, and for that, I feel sorry for you. Most of you will question me loving someone I “claim” hurt me so bad, and for you, I pray grace and forgiveness enter your life like never before. The rest of you will try to pinpoint who I’m talking about, and to you I ask why does it matter? I know you’ve all heard this before, but it’s definitely worth hearing again…

FORGIVENESS ISN’T ABOUT THE WRONG DOER… IT’S ABOUT YOU

As always, feel free to ask questions and/or leave feedback in the comments section.

(All new post will be uploaded Saturdays by 12:30 EST)

I am BEAUTIFUL. I am PASSIONATE. I will LOVE.

Pushing Through

~Hey Hey Family!! I pray this week was good to you. It was another rough week for me, however, I have faith that this is only preparing me for the blessings soon to come. Are you ready for this week’s journey? Let’s dive in! Indulge and Enjoy!

A few weeks ago, I told you all I was dealing with some stuff that I’m not ready to talk about. Truth? I’m still dealing with it and I’m still not ready to talk about it. (For the person asking, “Why bring it up again, if you still don’t want to talk about it?” KEEP READING!)

Being that I’m an adult with consistent bills and pricey desires, I don’t have the ability to just press pause because I’m going through some things. (Ohh… How I wish I could!) So, this week, as I continue to push through this rough patch, I begin to ask myself, “How do you continue to push through?” Great Question! Let’s explore it…

As each day passed this week, I thought about what really stops me from giving up…

My Faith

I know I’ve mentioned it sporadically in past post, however, I am VERY spiritual. Growing up, I was in church every Sunday and bible study every Wednesday. Of course, back then I disliked church as much as attending Catholic school. As a Baptist, at a Catholic school, with two Muslim best friends, my faith and knowledge base was definitely stretched. Every service I sat through and every religion class I pretended to pay attention in, has in some way assisted with the strength I possess today.

To be clear, the reason my faith is number one on my list, is not that suicide is a sin, or because, there are people in the world that are less fortunate than me (though both are very true). My faith keeps me afloat because when I am at my lowest, literally 2 steps away from giving up, I pray. I pour my heart out to the Lord and ask him to guide me through the emotional/physical pain I’m going through. He never fails to show up and walk through my mess with me. I remember He is the author of my story and He makes no mistakes…

My Stubbornness

Now, this one is a little funny, to be honest. While funny it’s also very important. Regardless of how positive you are, there is always someone praying your downfall. Family, friends, even a stranger, no matter their title in your life, there is a hater somewhere that doesn’t want to see you succeed.For me, this is the exact push I need to make sure I NEVER give up. I REFUSE to allow them to win. Telling me I can do something, or that I won’t succeed, forces me to prove the individual wrong at any cause…

My Destiny

I have a destiny that ONLY I can fulfill! How dare I rob the world of my greatness. I do not have the right to cancel my life mission because my emotions are overwhelming at the moment. “This too shall pass…” and when it does pass, I need to be ready to push forth and be great! I can’t do that if I’ve given up!

My Family

I love and adore my family. Though they may not admit it, I’m the most important person in all of their lives. Like, what would they do without me? With a little sister like me, no moment together can be boring. And, as the best big sister ever, trouble is always around the corner. On top of that, I’m an AMAZING daughter, the BEST auntie ever, the craziest cousin you could ever love, and the greatest friend you’ll ever have. With all the different roles I hold in these peoples lives, why would I force them to live life without me?

Working Out

Everyone needs an outlet. While writing is my emotional unload channel, working out has become my physical release. I use to literally cringe at the thought of becoming fit. Now, it’s as if I can’t have a good day without it. I work out Monday through Friday for at least an hour. I didn’t plan it this way, however, working out after the majority of my day has transpired is GENIUS! During my workout, I feel the stress leave my body and, the sweat is great at masking my tears when my day is extremely tough. I’ve had nights where I cry through the majority of the workout, however, when I’m done I always feel lighter! Fitness has become my reset button!

These are just the 5 drivers that kept me going this week. Depending on what I’m struggling through, they could slightly change. And, some of then just never change. We all go through hard times, some struggles last longer than others. What we all have to remember is this isn’t the end! Whatever you are dealing with will build and mold you for your destiny! Remember, no one can live out your destiny but you.

What pushes you in your tough times to never give up?

As always, feel free to ask questions and/or leave feedback in the comments section. 

(All new post will be uploaded Saturdays by 12:30 EST)

I am BEAUTIFUL. I am PASSIONATE. I will LOVE.

Stages of Beauty

~Hey Beautiful People! I pray this week has been challenging enough for you to realize you are worth fighting for! Me? My week was definitely challenging, however, I made beautiful decisions to do what makes me happy in life! This week I am actually releasing ideas from a piece of work I wrote back in September of 2011. Of course, because it was so long ago, I can’t tell you why I wrote this but, I’d love to tell you what it means to me now. Ready to journey together? Well, let’s dive right in. Indulge and Enjoy!~

Cute, beautiful, and gorgeous… Three words, spued thoughtlessly to describe one’s physical appearance, yet their definitions are so much deeper (in my opinion of course). Many people don’t see the difference between the three because they never stop and think about it. I mean really… Have you ever sat down and asked yourself, “What qualifies a person to receive the title of being gorgeous?” Well, I have so, let’s talk about it.

CUTE:

We are born cute. I mean that’s the go-to description for all children under five. Its the stage of not knowing right from wrong. You know, when we act up in a public place and our parents want to smack us into last week, but they can’t because everyone is looking at us going “Awww!” Remember when all you had to do was poke your lip out and you’d get whatever you wanted? Yeah, that’s cute…

We should never want to stay here for the rest of our lives. I mean, staying here would mean remaining ignorant to the world around us. Having no cares in the world, waking up eager to jump in the sandbox and build our next castle each morning. Unfortunately, many of us, male and female, don’t view cute this way. We, the human race, are programmed to desire instant gratification, therefore, if cute will get us what we want, cute is what we’ll be! This mentality is why most of us stay here for years trying to bat our eyelashes and poke our lip out all the way to success.


BEAUTIFUL:

A person becomes beautiful when they start to realize that the world is not all about them. This is about us maturing and finding our own place in this world. It’s when reality hits us, and we realize those stupid cliches are true. You know what I’m talking about… “You have to give in order to receive,” and “Nothing on this earth is free.”

To me, the stage of being beautiful is all about curiosity. As we explore and journey through life, we make choices that become apart of our character. We begin to be seen in a different light because we see others in a different light. Slowly, we’re beginning to realize, life isn’t all about what we can get out of people. We become interested in how we can use our talents to pour into the lives of people around us. Most people become comfortable here and remain complacent for a lifetime never even realizing it.

GORGEOUS:

This is the final stage of beauty, in my opinion. It’s about caring for others before we care for ourselves. You know, when you choose to put others needs, wants and desires before your own. It’s about giving love and being a friend to someone without expecting anything in return. At this stage, we are secure in who we are and our place in the world. We aren’t looking to be validated, we are looking to validate.

As we go through life, obstacles, beyond our control, are thrown at us, we have to choose to push our way to success. This doesn’t me we will be triumphant in all endeavors, however, we learn how to react to circumstances beyond our control. Our reactions become the blueprint to those watching us. Our positive vibes become the energies pushed into the world. How many of us can honestly say we are here?

In my opinion, I do not feel anyone is born in the stage of beautiful or gorgeous. Our stages blossom and present themselves as life matures us. Those of us who are told our beauty, accept it and aren’t humble enough to return it back into the world, lack all the beauty we once possessed.

Once a person’s beauty strips away their humility, compassion, and desire to positively pour into others lives, it is no longer beauty. At that very moment, their beauty has become a burden that will only drag them further from their destiny if not dealt with properly. (This is where the stage UGLY comes into play.) This I truly believe.

I’m sure reading this you were able to relate to each stage mentioned. The truth is all three stages are locked within us. It’s up to us to release them and let our beauty shine. As for me, I believe I’m lost somewhere in the stage of beautiful fighting with cute to stay behind me. Remember, this is all my opinion. I’d love to know what stage of beauty you see yourself in…

As always, feel free to ask questions and/or leave feedback in the comments section. 

(All new post will be uploaded Saturdays by 12:30 EST)

I am BEAUTIFUL. I am PASSIONATE. I will LOVE.



Emotional Overload

~What’s up BPL! I pray this week has been good to you! If it wasn’t, remember, whatever transpired is behind you now. My week left me in deep thought, to the point of sleepless nights. Of course, I’m going to share what’s been on my mind silly, we’re family! This week will be shorter than usual though. You’ll understand why as you continue journeying. Let’s dive in! Indulge and enjoy!~

Being honest my mind is in overload… My creativity feels stunted. My desire to love what I do feels faded. It’s as if the river of imagination has been drained dry. Don’t get me wrong, I still love to write, that will never change (words flow through my veins), it’s just something is emotionally off.

Okay, so maybe I’m not being totally truthful. First, let me say I’ve gone through this creative drought before, only the last time, it lasted a little over 3 years. Yes, I spent 3 years bottling up everything life threw my way. On the verge of exploding at any second, this is when I started keeping to myself, socializing with almost no one. I REFUSE to let this transpire into the stagnation, loneliness, and emptiness I felt during those 3 years.

What’s haunting me you ask? Great question! I’m not yet ready to answer however, let me explain something. When you decide to make changes for the better, obstacles from your past will continuously reveal themselves in order to; pull you back into the mess and dysfunction you chose to leave behind. Now, depending on the person you choose to talk to about this, they’ll say “just stay focused and keep pushing.” Easier said than done is a drastic understatement!

How do you stay focused when the tears are weighing your eyelids down, and the only thing stopping you from crying is joking with a coworker who knows hardly anything about you… How do you keep pushing when in a room full of people, you feel unseen… How do you keep your head above water when you feel your sins tied around your ankles creating a huge boulder, pulling you deeper and deeper… Yet you get up daily and continue to push through.

Well, this is exactly what I’ve been dealing with. We talk a little about my past weekly so, you all know, like everyone else in this world, I’ve made a multitude of mistakes. While this journey is titled, “The Journey to Discovering Me,” a major part of this journey is working through my past. As memories or circumstances arise, I dissect and deconstruct them to see what I’ve learned from it and how not to repeat it. Then, I let go

But, this week, letting go isn’t as easy as in weeks prior. mainly because I’m not ready to let go. I don’t want to forget. While yes, the situation brought me a lot of pain, it also taught me strength. Though I’ve forgiven everyone involved in the situation, I still hold the facts very close to me. I hold on to the pain to make sure nothing or no one can take that strength away from me…

I know my thought process is not 100% logical when it comes to this matter. It’s almost the same feeling of getting a tattoo. We wince as the needle pierces our skin over a thousand times, yet, as soon as we think we’re about to give up, its over, and we’re already planning our next tattoo with the artist. Only, in this case, God is my artist, He won’t allow me to quit, and my input doesn’t hold much weight. Also, my tattoos are only visible in my actions and reactions.

If you’ve made it this far, I just want to say thank you for embarking on this rough journey with me. I love you all and promise to see you next week.

As always, feel free to ask questions and/or leave feedback in the comments section. 

(All new post will be uploaded Saturdays by 12:30 EST)

I am BEAUTIFUL. I am PASSIONATE. I will LOVE.

Processing Emotions

~Hey Family!! How did this week treat you? I pray it brought you plenty of peace and progress. How did you show your appreciation to your significant other on Valentines Day? Single? Me too! How did you show yourself appreciation? Don’t ever miss a moment to show YOU how loved and valuable YOU are to YOURSELF. Ready to embark on this weeks journey? Let’s dive right in. Indulge & Enjoy!~

When it comes to expressing myself, I’m not always able to find the right words. If I’m really frustrated, it’s as if I’ve hit an emotional roadblock, stopping my mouth from saying what my mind has detected within my heart. The words will be at the tip of my tongue, yet, I can’t form them. Yes, I’m a little stubborn, however, the real truth is, sometimes I’m just afraid…

Afraid to open up and tell the other party how I really feel. Fearful, if I share my true feelings, said party may think I’m attacking them. Sometimes, I’m so frustrated, because I know we’ve had this conversation before, that I just shut down. The worst, but most common, is when I assume the other party should “just know” how to fix my issue.

Can you relate? Not ready to admit it? That’s fine, however, let’s still address it. For starters, this is NOT a “feminine characteristic,” nor does it make you weak. Both men and women have moments where expressing their feelings are more difficult than others. Also, it’s not always bad to reserve your feelings. Depending on the time and place it may even be best.

Where over sharing emotions becomes an issue, is when relationships are affected drastically. We all fight with our friends and argue with our significant others, however, at the end of the dispute, we have to be able to answer and ask specific questions to establish a resolution. What do those questions sound like? Well, here are my main four…

-What am I really upset about?

A lot of times, especially in romantic relationships, it’s easier to fight over the little things, rather than finding the root cause of your frustration. To be honest, magnifying the little things could cause more damage to the relationship/friendship. I can assure you, socks on the floor, or dishes in the sink, especially, the cap off the toothpaste, is definitely not the real issue. So, instead of exploding over the little things, stop and ask yourself, “Why am I really mad?

-Is this a “me” issue, a “them” issue or a “us” issue?

Now, this question right here requires full transparency with yourself. Once you’ve found the root cause of your frustration, you now have to find out who exactly is responsible for fixing it… It is absolutely, 1,000 percent, not fair for you to make your issue the responsibility of the other party to fix. Also, you can’t heal the emotional wounds of others. Just as it isn’t their responsibility to fix you it’s also not your responsibility to fix them. No, you also can’t help them work on it. If you didn’t help cause the brokenness then you won’t be the solution in fixing it.

-Have I asked them what they need from me?

This moment of a conversation is very helpful when sincere. This question, all by itself, can break the tension while resolving issues between friends or your significant other. It shifts blame and, provided a balanced atmosphere for the other party. This is when you give your undivided attention to the other party, in order for them to share what you can do to make the relationship better. Once this question is answered, you should be given the opportunity to…Well, just read the next section.

-Have I told them what I need from them?

Alright, we’ve found out the real reason we’re upset/frustrated. We’ve determined who’s responsibility it is to fix it. We’ve asked the parties involved “what they need from us” to rectify this disagreement. So, the final, very important conversation we have to be open to is, telling the “offender” what we need from them to work on the issue. Before you start pointing fingers again, remember the offender can and maybe you! If it is you, it’s imperative you ask yourself this question. Yes, you need to sit down and have a conversation with yourself (out loud or written) and, sincerely tell YOU  what you need from YOU.

Over the years, I’ve learned not to speak from emotions. In most cases, when a person speaks from emotion, they aren’t heard. For me, these questions help to keep my mind focused on the real issues and not the emotions surrounding it. This doesn’t mean I don’t share how I feel, I’m just learning to share my feelings with words instead of reactions. These questions work in all relationship types, romantic or not. Oh, you don’t believe me? You must be new to the family because the BPL Family knows, on this journey, we only talk about what we’ve lived through.

We’re all bound to have a disagreement, of some sort this week, whether it be with your significant other, parents, siblings, or friends. Approach the disagreement differently this time and try incorporating these questions. Let me know how they change the dynamics of the disagreement. If you have a process you use, similar or not, please share! I’d love to try your way of processing emotions…

As always, feel free to ask questions and/or leave feedback in the comments section. 

(All new post will be uploaded Saturdays by 12:30 EST)

I am BEAUTIFUL. I am PASSIONATE. I will LOVE.