A Love Letter (Second)

~Hey Hey! I pray this week has brought you clarity regarding the next path in your journey. (It did just that for me!) I really don’t want to talk about what happened though. I’d rather share what’s been on my heart. Ready to explore? Awesome! Indulge and Enjoy!~

Dear Future Husband,

Thank you, for an amazing night! After the week I’ve had, yesterday’s date night was a perfect surprise. I mean, there were so many roses! And what was the scent of that candle? (We definitely have to buy more of those). It’s funny to see the look on your face when the little things you do amaze me. Almost, as if you expect me to want more from you. But yet, you know me so well!

Between our work schedules, lately, we haven’t had much time to just enjoy one another’s company. A tub full of bubbles and a bottle (or two) of wine was the perfect way to do just that! Being around family and friends is always beautiful, however, I love my time spent with you and only you. You know, like when I can’t sleep. So, you hold me tight, my head on your chest, and tell me your plans for our family. I slowly start to drift to sleep, as your fingers tangle my already coiled hair…

Okay, so maybe this was just a dream. Maybe, the only joys pulling me through this week have been, my love for God, and my love for you. It’s been a while since I’ve written to you. I just need you to know, your visits in my dreams keep me grounded in preparing for our future.

Thoughts of you, fill my soul with joy beyond words. It’s as if you know just the right face to make to calm my forever racing mind. You know just how tight to hug me, to reassure my sense of security. And, you know just the right time to fill my ears, and heart, with prayers reminding me where our strength comes from.

Dreams of you balance me. They force me to remember, I will be perfectly yoked for the right man. They forced me to continue to push myself in all aspects of life. Most of all, they remind me to keep God at the center of all the things I desire, including you.

I use to believe, there was only one true love for everyone in the world, but, not anymore. What I now believe is, out of all the humans on earth, we choose the one we are most compatible with. We pray we’re choosing someone we can grow old with, in hopes of forming true love.

My handsome husband, you will not be my first love. You will not be my first kiss. You will not be the man who takes my virginity. But, what I want you to always remember is, you hold so much more than any of those men.

You are my perfect match. You are my swipe right. You are my fish out of plenty. You are the Christian I choose to mingle with. You are the One I choose to pour into, as you choose to pour into me. You are my forever love…

I love you,

Your Wife

As you’ve explored this journey, I pray, you remember how promising your future is. No matter your relationship status (single, divorced, or widowed) you’re special someone is patiently waiting for your paths to cross.

Remember to prepare yourselves for a love like no other. For a love, only God can ordain. For a love, greater than you could ever imagine!

I love y’all!

(All new journeys will be uploaded Saturdays by 12:30 EST)

I am BEAUTIFUL. I am PASSIONATE. I will LOVE.

Long Over Due

~Hey Family! I pray this week has made you realize how much your presence impacts others’ lives. It did just that for me. This journey will definitely be one of the most emotional ones yet. It honestly is long overdue though…

Before we get started, I’ve reached out to the person involved in this journey. I always said I would never ask permission to write my truth, however, this is a sensitive subject. She has given me permission to openly and truthfully discuss this time of our lives. Ready to explore? Indulge and Enjoy!~

I hurt you… I hurt you before I even had a chance to know you… I remember the day so vividly. The first fire drill of Sophomore year. You told me I looked like a cute dinosaur. You even referenced the fictional Barney character Baby Bop. (Years later, you told me we had been joking in the class prior, and I believe you, I just can’t remember the conversation.)

Baby Bop… I felt like you were attacking my physical appearance. I assumed because you transferred in from another school, you were trying to “make a name for yourself.” I remember vowing to make you cry every day for the rest of our high school career. But, I didn’t realize how impactful high school is on the rest of our lives…

I embarrassed you… I took a class assignment, in Religion class nonetheless, to air out a bunch of rumors I heard about you. If creating a PowerPoint wasn’t hurtful enough, I and, two other individuals presented it to the entire class. Laughing and looking in your direction the whole time.

I did everything I could, to assassinate your character… I mean, I can’t even remember all of the terrible things I said about you. The rumors I would hear through the grapevine and make sure they were continued. The hate, I felt for you… The hate, I felt for me…

After a year and a half (maybe a little longer), something in me clicked. I remember pulling you aside and giving you a generic apology. There was no explanation… No conversation… No ownership… Just I’m sorry.

The revelation that hit me this week, on the 10-year anniversary of the second month of senior year, is I still owe you an apology. You see, I apologized privately for a public crime. I ruined parts of high school for you and whispered sorry… Well, my beautiful friend (Yes ya’ll, after all this she accepted me as her friend, and still does!), this is the apology you deserved.

I am sorry… does not begin to remove the damage I inflicted on you. I’m sorry… cannot bring back the precious high school moments, that ended up being not so precious, because of me. I’m sorry… will not dry up the tears you shed, wondering why I hated you so much. There is nothing, NOTHING IN THIS WORLD, I could say to reverse the pain I’ve caused you, however, I pray, my sorry brings you just a little peace…

You didn’t deserve what I put you through. You are so beautiful, loving and intelligent! And, I promise, you were all of these things back then. Your confidence infuriated me. Your beauty intimidated me. Your bubbly, outgoing personality mocked my desires for me. You were perfect in my opinion, and you still are. I envied you.

When you compared me to Baby Bop, it destroyed the last seed of confidence I had. Because you didn’t know of my low self-esteem, you walked away unphased. That was the moment I chose to hate you. And no, none of this is me saying my actions were your fault. This is just how unhealthy my thought process was. No explanation I give will justify the words/actions I targeted you with, however, I pray, my explanation brings you relief.

What I need you to know is, you are one of the strongest women I know! There are high schoolers killing themselves to get away from their bullies. Not only did you fight through my tormenting, but you also excepted me as your friend once I stopped. You have never thrown any of my actions in my face. Your friendship is the definition of forgiveness. Recently, you said something that broke my heart… Your exact words were, “I wish I could see what you see, but thanks.” Allow me to tell you just a little of what I see…

Your smile is radiant, and it lights up every room you walk into (ALWAYS HAS). You are so ambitious! I remember when we were getting laid off at work. There was this specific job you wanted and you refused to accept any other offer. Guess what, you got it! You’re a wonderful mother!! The way you have taken on motherhood is so amazing to watch! You’ve exhibited an abundance of grace, in your new life journey!

To say, “I’m proud of you,” would begin to express my feelings towards you. I respect you! I appreciate you! I admire you! I am grateful for you! And, I cherish you! Keep shining bright, beautiful!

So often, we make the ugliest decisions, very publicly. When we realize how wrong we really are, we shoot a text and apologize, for our ugly behavior. Here’s the thing, the party we hurt deserved the same apology as the pain we delivered.

In a perfect world, none of this should have happened, but it did. I shouldn’t have been a bully, but I was. Because I couldn’t reverse my words and actions, being fully transparent, I should have called a pep rally to the auditorium, called her on stage, and apologized for my actions, in front of the entire school. But, I was a coward back then. For me, over 10 years later, this is the next best thing.

Allow me to be clear, I don’t know if she even thinks about the events of high school. I do, which is why we have explored this. I want everyone to take a few points from this journey:

Watch what you say.

Think before you speak.

Fix your insecurities.

And, own your words and actions (good and bad).

I love you all beyond belief!

As always, feel free to ask questions and/or leave feedback in the comments section.

(All new journeys will be uploaded Saturdays by 12:30 EST)

I am BEAUTIFUL. I am PASSIONATE. I will LOVE.

The Right Way

~Hey Family!! I pray this week has reminded you, this is a lifetime journey, the work is never done. I’ve had an emotionally draining week, and I still can’t figure out exactly why. So, I need to walk through this with y’all! Ready to explore? I know I sure am! Indulge and Enjoy!~

As most of you know, I’ve relocated to a new state. This week I had to surrender my New York driver’s license, in order to comply with state regulations. I also, have to transfer my vehicle license plates. It has been a pretty smooth process, however, after the woman took my New York I.D. a flood of emotions rushed over me.

See, prior to this, my time in my new home has felt like an extended vacation, (especially working from home). But, after being here almost a month, switching my license became a huge deal emotionally. Why? Great question. I’ve been asking myself this since it happened. Here’s what I came up with…

I use to be a runner. Anytime an issue arose in my life, I’d run from it. All of my emotional scars, would never heal because I would constantly throw myself into another situation. I would become friends with people who had “bigger” issues than me, to block out my pain. It was my way of “coping”.

In 2016, I made the, very random and rushed, decision to move to Georgia. I was exhausted with life and felt leaving New York was the only way to “fix” how I felt. I knew only one person in Georgia at the time (my ex-boyfriend who had a girlfriend, now wife). Before ANYONE attempts to incorrectly narrate my story for me, allow me to share the circumstance.

When I made the decision to move to Georgia, I was in a really muddy space mentally. Late 2015 I was dealing with a man, I met online (we’ll talk about this in a later journey). Everything was going really well, for the lifestyle I was living at least. Truth be told, everything happened way too fast. We never went on dates or anything. I would just pick him up, and we would go to a park, so he could smoke a blunt while I told him about my day.

By the end of our first-week seeing one another, We had planned for him to spend the night at my place (dangerous, I know). After that, he stayed every night. I became addicted to him. Addicted to the way he controlled my body. Addicted to the false sense of security he provided. Addicted to having him next to me at night. A full-blown addict.

A few months into this relationship, or whatever you want to call it, he asked me to take him to Ithica the upcoming weekend. He claimed his Grandma lived there, but he didn’t know I overheard his phone call about a drug deal. I declined, saying I had plans, which I’m sure he knew was a lie. Truth being I wasn’t dumb enough to become his drug mule. But, that’s when everything changed for the worst.

He began to be very mean and violently aggressive. He was even more controlling and not loving at all. I had a stash of money, I stored in my bedroom (saving up towards moving out of state). He found it. He never asked me what it was for or anything. Every once in a while he would grab a few quarters and run to the store. Then the day before his trip to Ithica, I noticed all of the cash was missing. All $235!

I called him, he didn’t answer. So, I hung up and called about 30 more times. Still no answer… I was furious!!!! I ran down the stairs jumped in my car, with a can of dog repellant (mace is illegal in New York), and sped to his job. (This is where I, now, realize I was losing myself.) I sat outside his job for about 45 mins, calling and calling. Taunting him to come out. He never came out but he called me back, cursed me out and told me I never meant anything to him.

I was heartbroken. In my head, I replayed every time he told me he loved me. Every event he sat through just because I wanted to do it. All the nights he layed up playing in my hair just to make sure I fell asleep before him. I had given him all of me. All of my body. I cooked, daily, for him. I drove him everywhere. I paid all the bills. The only time I had ever told him “No” was the whole drug trip thing… How could he not love me?

Between the tears, remembering intimate details he told me, I’d plotted for revenge. I vividly remember skipping church that weekend. I didn’t really talk to anyone except one friend, and she made sure my fury outweighed my sadness. At some point that weekend, my runner mentality kicked in. I woke up that Monday, went to my job and asked them to transfer me. I explained to them, I was fearful of staying in New York because the mindset I had would lead me straight to jail.

You see, it was no coincidence I grabbed dog repellent on the way out the door. It wasn’t for my safety. I knew he had just had major eye surgery, a few months before meeting me, and if I sprayed him chances were he’d be legally blind FOREVER. I thank God for the pillar of angels He stationed around me that day. Wrapping this story up My job agreed to transfer me, but the only place available at the time was Georgia. I accepted and within 3 weeks I was gone. Most of my family had no idea it was happening until I was already gone.

There you have it… No, I didn’t move to break up my ex and his girlfriend. I moved to continue running from my pain. And in doing, I created even more pain. Needless to say, I moved back home 6 months after leaving. The whole time I was in Georgia, I never switched my Driver’s License, therefore I never surrendered my New York residency, which made it easy to run back home. But here, in Kentucky, I walked away.

I walked away from running. I walked away from pain. I spent 3 years working on healing my wounds, some of them are not completely healed, but I’m no longer running. The emotion I felt surrendering my New York residency, now, resinates as joy, whereas originally I felt trapped. I have joy because I see the closure in my life.

When I left home this time, I wasn’t sad, I was excited. Even now, I’m super excited! I realize I don’t have to hold on to my New York residency because I don’t plan on returning home. Of course, I plan to visit, however, I don’t plan on residing there again. It’s a beautiful feeling to start a new journey, knowing there’s no negative baggage holding you back.

As always, feel free to ask questions and/or leave feedback in the comments section.

(All new journeys will be uploaded Saturdays by 12:30 EST)

I am BEAUTIFUL. I am PASSIONATE. I will LOVE.

I Am…

~Hey Beautiful Family! I know, we’ve been off schedule for the last couple of weeks, but we’re back and I’m ready to explore. I pray the last two weeks have given you several opportunities to prove your growth to yourself. As for me, well, let’s talk about it. Ready to explore? Perfect! Indulge and Enjoy!~

Who am I?? I asked myself this question a year ago. Wow…what a scary thought. A year ago, I was fully transparent with you all, as I shared how little I knew about myself. At the end of the journey, I shared what I had learned about myself. Do you remember the three facts I shared? Don’t worry, I didn’t either.

Okay, I went back and snuck a peak. At the end of our journey I shared these facts: I’m a writer (obviously). I sing soprano (I’m actually an alto that ranges to soprano). And, my favorite color is orange (took me 26 years to find this one out). Pretty basic right? I agree! So, let’s explore this question again. Who am I??

A Storyteller…

I embody the art of weaving words together to captivate the minds of others. Using my past, good and bad, I am able to relate to people of all backgrounds. Once the connection has been made, I use my words to create a safe space for reflection and self-evaluation.

A Motivator…

I find pleasure in pushing others to see their full potential. I tend to gravitate towards people who think they aren’t good enough (it’s not a discussion, my spirit feels it). Once that connection has been made, I use my experiences to show them, God is still writing their story.

An Influencer…

I set the tone, not only with my words but in my actions, for those around me to want to do better at this thing called life. I force myself, daily, to be better than my yesterday by playing an active part in what my tomorrow will look like.

Realizing these three attributes forced me to accept my past. Had I been told a year and a half ago I’d be sharing my biggest life lessons with anyone willing to read, I would have laughed! But, look at me!! The most motivating part of my story is, Gods not done writing it!

So often, we think story tellers, motivators, and influencers have a huge platform and a grand number of followers. WRONG. An influencer doesn’t have to be a public figure. Take a moment and look at the people around you. Regardless of where they are in life at this present moment, they have a story… YOU have a story!! And, amazingly, not one story is the same as the next…

In the famous words of American rap icon Jay Z, “Allow me to reintroduce myself, my name is…”

Alyshia-Mae!

My name is Alyshia-Mae and I am an influencer. I am a storyteller. I am a motivator. And, with all the wrong turns I’ve made in my life, I’m leaving my thumbprint on this world.

As you go through the rest of this day, my desire is for you to see your potential to grow and accept the challenge. That’s all I did. Accepting the challenge changed the way I think, the way I speak, the way I dress, and my overall outlook on life!

Man, I love y’all! Thank you, for exploring with me today! I’m going to get out and explore this beautiful city! You should do the same wherever it is you reside!

Whatever you choose to do today, remember someone is looking to you for inspiration and encouragement…

As always, feel free to ask questions and/or leave feedback in the comments section.

(All new journeys will be uploaded Saturdays by 12:30 EST)

I am BEAUTIFUL. I am PASSIONATE. I will LOVE.

Do You Know What Today Is?

IT’S OUR ANNIVERSARY!!

Yes! We have been exploring together for exactly ONE YEAR today! Man, I can’t even believe it! I mean I literally remember sitting at my desk (at work) wondering if I should even embark on this journey. I promise I’m so glad I did!

Journeying with you all has taught me so much about myself! I mean, this month last year, God revealed, I knew absolutely nothing about Alyshia-Mae. He showed me, in order to move forward, I had to look backward one last time. So, I chose to do the work! I’m still doing the work… I will forever be doing this work!

Wow! How did I miss the significance of this month? I’m celebrating our first year together while getting settled into an entirely new state! You all journeyed with me through my first trip to Kentucky! Christmas of last year! Now, I live here!!! On top of all that, 2 years ago, on October 6th, 2017, I accepted Christ as my Lord and Savior! As you can see, October has been HUGE for me these last couple of years.

Prior to this realization, I use to HATE the month of October! I mean between, clowns, vampires, bats, and zombies, I felt I couldn’t leave the house without being scared out of my mind. I would make sure to be locked in my home before dark and to turn off all the lights on Halloween, to ensure no one knocks on my door. Now, I just feel free. I’m amazed at how God will use a month I dread to bring me back to life! I’m so excited to see how He reveals Himself, even further, to me in this beautiful month!

Are y’all ready to explore on a deeper level? Throughout this last year, I’ve learned to accept all aspects of my past. With me being comfortable with, and accepting my past, it opens up an entirely deeper, more intimate level of exploring!

It’s a beautiful feeling to not fear judgment. To know who you are, in the Father. To accept your mistakes and FORGIVE YOURSELF, as you ask for forgiveness. I thank God for the person I am today, and am ecstatic to pursue Him on an even deeper level throughout this next year of journeying!

I want to take the time out to say THANK YOU ALL!! From the ones who have been with me since Taking a Chance, to the ones who are journeying with us for the first time today, and everyone in between… I LOVE YOU!

I appreciate you, you don’t know how much it means to know I have family in 56 DIFFERENT COUNTRIES. This is only the beginning! I am enthusiastic to see what this next year brings!!

Please note we will not be exploring this Saturday (10/12). I have to get some things situated here in Kentucky. We will be back to our normal schedule the following Saturday (10/19).

Stay tuned as I continue…

“Working on me- While sharing with you!”

I love y’all!

As always, feel free to ask questions and/or leave feedback in the comments section.

(All new journeys will be uploaded Saturdays by 12:30 EST)

I am BEAUTIFUL. I am PASSIONATE. I will LOVE.

Photo courtesy of Google